I can be observant if I choose to be. Most of the time I choose not to be. I do this on purpose, it's a self defense mechanism. The more I observe, the more ugliness I see, and the more I get hurt. If I choose to be blind, nothing can hurt me. I realize this is choosing to be ignorant. But ignorance has always made me happy, so why not?
When I was young I used to observe my mother giving just a little bit more love, attention and care to my elder brother. The small things like always giving him what he wants whereas I only get anything out of necessity. The big things like if she was in a bad mood, she would inevitably take it out on me, even when it's clearly my brother who has broken something or not done what he has been told. At that age, I couldn't begin to understand the concept of equality but my observations told me something was not quite right.
The problem heightened after my younger brother came along. My older brother would get all the attention, followed by my younger brother, and last came me. My only consolation was that my father would pay some attention to me, with the result that I became extremely close to my father. How could I not, when he was the only one I could turn to at that time?
I tried to understand why my own mother didn't love me, or didn't love me as much as my brothers. The only difference I could think of was that I was a girl and they were boys. So when I was about 5, I used to pray to God and wish and wish and wish that when I woke up in the morning I would become a boy, and hence be just as much loved as my brothers.
It never happened. Little did I realize that God was also cruel sometimes, because I never seem to get anything I wished or prayed for. There would come a time when I stopped praying.
When I was young I used to observe my mother giving just a little bit more love, attention and care to my elder brother. The small things like always giving him what he wants whereas I only get anything out of necessity. The big things like if she was in a bad mood, she would inevitably take it out on me, even when it's clearly my brother who has broken something or not done what he has been told. At that age, I couldn't begin to understand the concept of equality but my observations told me something was not quite right.
The problem heightened after my younger brother came along. My older brother would get all the attention, followed by my younger brother, and last came me. My only consolation was that my father would pay some attention to me, with the result that I became extremely close to my father. How could I not, when he was the only one I could turn to at that time?
I tried to understand why my own mother didn't love me, or didn't love me as much as my brothers. The only difference I could think of was that I was a girl and they were boys. So when I was about 5, I used to pray to God and wish and wish and wish that when I woke up in the morning I would become a boy, and hence be just as much loved as my brothers.
It never happened. Little did I realize that God was also cruel sometimes, because I never seem to get anything I wished or prayed for. There would come a time when I stopped praying.
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