My life - Part 12

Ever since I can remember, my parents were always pre-occupied with family name and honour. We children were brought up to always behave ourselves, and not do anything embarrassing or shameful because "what will people think?" Our actions, according to my parents, had a direct bearing on their ability to raise good, proper children. Growing up, I was probably the most well behaved child next to my older brother. No tantrums, no fuss. Of course, I did a lot of naughty things behind my parents' backs. What they didn't know won't hurt them. 

I remember when I left home to go to university, my mother's parting advice to me was to always behave myself, because my father is a good and respectable man, and I shouldn't bring shame to his name. By that, I gather she was telling me not to get pregnant or socialise with undesirable characters. And then again, when I was going out with Philip, my mother was not very enthusiastic about our relationship because he comes from a family that is not as well to do as ours, and what will people think?

This overwhelming need not to bring shame upon my family was so ingrained in me that until today, I often hesitate before doing anything. When I think about it now, I think it has affected my confidence. I'm afraid of speaking out in public, afraid to socialise, afraid to make decisions, afraid to take risks, afraid to chart my own path, because what if I made a mistake? What will people think?