Oh, life...

It’s that time again. The time when I reflect on my life, on what might have been and what is, and how both scenarios are stark opposites to the extent that I ask myself, where the hell did I go wrong. 

I thought I made all the right decisions. But the thing is this. We can only make decisions based on the information that we have at the time we make the decision. That is why I guess most happy people say, if they had to do it all over again, they would not change a thing. Because to change even a small thing would mean that they would not be where they are today. So if the decisions or choices that they made turned out to be good for them and they are happy, that’s what they would say. And if those choices or decisions turned out to be bad, then what?

But here’s the thing. Everyone gets a shot at life. Whatever one’s nature and nurture, the moment one is independent, one gets a shot at life. What one does with that shot is up to one. But here’s the catch. One does not see how it will end. One only has past experience and knowledge as guidance, and one has the present to help one make a choice or decision. On hindsight, whether that was the right choice or the right decision is beyond one’s control. 

So in that sense, we never really get to choose how it’s going to look. None of this is on our own terms. It’s life on life’s terms or not at all. And even that we don’t get to choose. Life. We don’t get to choose life. It’s thrust upon us whether we like it or not, and then we are forced to make choices and decisions based on the information we have at that frozen moment in time, without knowing what the consequences of that decision or choice may be. 

And if we’re lucky, we get what we dreamed of or expected out of life. And if we’re unlucky, we will forever be questioning where it all went wrong, what if I did this, what if I didn’t do that, etc. And if we’re really unlucky, we will spend our whole lives searching for this elusive thing called happiness which is always within our sight, but always beyond our reach.

In the end, it doesn’t even matter what decision or choice we make. It’s really the luck of the draw. It’s life on life’s terms, whether you like it or not. 😔

She is gone

 I read a quote today which said:

“Someday, you will meet the happiest version of you.

And it will be worth it.”

But what if I already met that version, and she has since left?

Me against the world 😔

“To be nobody but 
yourself in a world 
which is doing its best day and night to make you like 
everybody else means to fight the hardest battle 
which any human being can fight and never stop fighting.” 

― E. E. Cummings

She is beautiful

 “She was beautiful, but not like those girls in magazines. 

She was beautiful, for the way she thought. 

She was beautiful, for the sparkle in her eyes when she talked about something she loved. 

She was beautiful, for her ability to make other people smile, even if she was sad.

No, she wasn't beautiful for something as temporary as her looks. 

She was beautiful, deep down to her soul. 

She is beautiful.”

•  F. Scott Fitzgerald 

And the story goes on...

The other day I met Mr. Tyrant face to face. Because I needed him to approve The Thing as soon as possible, I did 2 things which I thought would help me along on my merry way.

Firstly, I bribed God. This happened the day before the meeting at the temple where I made some offering and promised to do penance in return for sweet success. Recently I have not been very impressed with God because I see bias, prejudice and an imbalance of justice all around me which made me wonder whether karma is really independent, impersonal and unbiased or whether that, too, is capable of being manipulated, for example with a bribe. 

Secondly, I put on a drama to appear as sweet and cheerful as I could, with many kind words and praises for Mr. Tyrant although internally my thoughts were the opposite. But I said and acted the opposite of what I was thinking. I have had to do this for most of my working life. I didn’t like it then; I still don’t like it now. When you do this long enough, you become someone else, and you are not happy because there is a constant conflict between the person everyone else sees, and the person I see who is hiding in the shadows. The person who is hiding, the real me, cannot get the job done so she has to take a back seat. Meanwhile, the person getting the job done becomes, over the years, the stronger personality and one day you realise you don’t know who you really are anymore.

I try not to let that happen but the world seems to prefer the pretentious me so I still have to let her out often in order to get the job done. What am I supposed to do if the real me cannot seem to fit into the society I live in? I still haven’t figured this one out yet. 

Anyway, it worked. My pretentious self managed to soothe Mr. Tyrant enough to ease him into a good mood with the result that I got my approval and now I can move on to the next step. I don’t know which worked. The bribe, my act, or both. But I’m happy it’s over and done with and now I can go back to being my true self for the time being. Until my next job when my pretentious self will be unleashed into society again 🙄. 

Elsewhere, I turned down an invitation to lunch by the person I don’t particularly like. The good thing was that he didn’t press me for a reason so I didn’t have to lie or tell the (harsh) truth. A lucky escape. Well, unless if saying no is in itself considered to be harsh speech, in which case if I can’t say no, what the hell do I say? Maybe I’m overthinking this. There was an offer, I declined, and that’s it. If the person making the offer felt offended, surely that’s no concern of mine. Or is it?

Oh, dear.

Tell no lies vs no harsh speech

More than 20 years ago I read a lot of books on Buddhism. One of the basic principles in Buddhism is tell no lies. I’ve tried to be honest over these years, but it is more difficult than one thinks. 

For one, most people don’t appreciate honesty. They end up feeling hurt and blame me for their hurt feelings (because I told them the truth). Over the years I’ve been told that I lack tact, I am too direct, I am too harsh, I lack social skills, I am mean. Also over the years, I’ve learnt to soften my approach especially in the working environment. For example, instead of telling the boss something cannot be done, I give suggestions on how it can be done in a better or proper way. It’s still saying it cannot be done, but in a more tactful way, I guess. How tiresome! 

And then there are times when I know the truth will hurt someone and I am either too lazy to think of a tactful answer, or there is no tactful answer, and I end up lying. For example, if someone who is dieting asks me if they have lost weight, I almost inevitably tell them “a little bit” even though they have not lost any weight or worse, they have in fact gained weight. 

I know this is not right but I just don’t know what to say in those circumstances. 

Recently I have been reading up on religion again, particularly Buddhism and the principle of telling no lies actually falls under a wider concept of ‘no harsh speech’. This includes not only not telling lies, but also no gossip, no harsh speech that can hurt another’s feelings, no rumour mongering, etc. 

I already knew this but 20 years ago, honesty was the most important thing to me (although I failed sometimes). But now, 20 years later, no harsh speech seems to be equally important to me. I guess experience does count for something. And that different things have different meanings to you at different points in your life. This is also why I sometimes re-read the books I have read, because reading it as a teenager and again as an adult can make you feel differently about the book, and sometimes you have an opposite view about a character. For example Heathcliff in Wuthering Heights. It is fascinating.

But I digress. This honesty vs no harsh speech I have a real problem with. How do I be honest and at the same time say it in such a way so as to not hurt another’s feelings? 

I am faced with a dilemma right now. Someone I don’t particularly like has been asking me to go out for the longest time. Previously I’ve made up a thousand reasons why I am not free to see him (lies! 😱😱😱) but either he genuinely doesn’t understand, or doesn’t want to understand. On 2 occasions I just got tired of making excuses and met up with him, and on both occasions I made it clear that I was not enjoying myself.

He has not given up. He calls again. What the hell do I do. Wait. I know what I must do. Be honest but at the same time not hurt his feelings.

How the hell do I do that??

Tyrants

Today I would like to talk about tyrants. 

They are everywhere. Disguised as teachers, relatives, bosses, or just about anyone who has some sort of power over me. The teacher who punished me for being Indian. The relative who gave sweets to my brother but not me. The boss who sat on some work for weeks and then passed it to me to get done by today because tomorrow is the deadline. The clerk who refused to accept my document because I used blue ink instead of black when both colours are acceptable. The police officer who refused to accept my police report because I didn’t give him the evidence of the crime (isn’t it his job to investigate and obtain the evidence?). The customs officer who checked only my bag out of all the passengers waiting to board the plane, for no apparent reason. The list goes on. 

I’m not saying I was deliberately targeted. I am saying that there are tyrants out there who bask in the glory that they have a certain power over people, and they abuse and misuse that power because I guess making other people feel miserable feeds their own need to feel powerful, like alcohol feeds the need of the bibulous. 

It’s all well and good sitting in my armchair and doing a psychological analysis on tyrants - how meaningless or empty their lives must be, or perhaps they forgot how it was to be on the receiving end, or perhaps they are also being mistreated so they are taking out their frustrations on me etc., but it does not detract from the fact that it is me who is undergoing the stress and misery at their hands.

I am being plagued by a tyrant right now. I need Mr. Tyrant’s approval in order to submit a Thing by Timeline. My Timeline was 3 months. I gave Mr. Tyrant the Thing within 2 weeks for his approval. After many reminders, he reverted 1 month later to say I have not addressed the issues properly. The Thing is 20 pages long with about 30 issues, so I don’t know which issues he was having problems with.

Nevertheless, I re-did the Thing as best I could and submitted it to him about a week later. Timeline is now about 3 weeks to go and no news from Mr. Tyrant. After his approval, I need about a week to finalise the Thing before submission. Which means I have approximately 2 weeks left. And no news. 

Why all this unnecessary stress? If you have a problem, tell me what it is exactly so that I can rectify it according to your wishes and the job is done. Good for you, good for me. But here you give me a general statement which leaves me groping in the dark, and you’re taking your own bloody sweet time and putting me under tremendous stress and pressure because Timeline is approaching nearer and nearer, but you obviously don’t care about all that. 

Because you are Mr. Tyrant and you need your power fix 🙄.

Where are all the good people?

I went to my usual hair dresser in Kuantan. Due to the lockdown, his salon was closed for months, so that his credit/debit card machine was not working. I didn’t have enough cash with me. But he knew that I usually paid with a card so he said he will give me his account number and I can transfer the money to him once I am home.

I was aghast. I asked him what if I ran away to Kuala Lumpur without paying? He will never be able to find me. 😁 He said he trusted me; I’ve been going to his salon for years now. I felt quite pleased that I inspired this kind of trust in him. He then said that as much as there are bad people in the world, there are also good people around.

That got me thinking. He must be right. All humans can’t be bad. In fact, I know a few good people. Too few, unfortunately. Because as I look back on my life, I realise the unfortunate truth that most people I have met are bad. I don’t know whether this is due to my bad luck, or my karma or merely my perception of people. 

I have been robbed at knife point, cheated of money, back-stabbed, taken advantage of, bad-mouthed, blamed for things I didn’t do, not given credit for the things I did, been the subject of racial prejudice, made fun of for my skin colour; the list can just go on. 

I had goals and ambitions once. Now my only ambition in life is to become a self-sustaining hermit. The self-sustaining part is the tricky part because it requires me to draw an income which means I have to get a job, which means interacting with people, which inevitably means trouble. 

Whatever the reason, my fault or theirs, all these incidents have made me the cynic and misanthrope that I am today. All said and done, I am glad that some people view me as the good guy. I certainly try. 

Losing my religion

My father is a staunch Hindu. 

This statement needs an explanation. The more I read about religion, the more I am convinced that there are 2 main aspects of every religion: one is the outer ritual practices, and the other is the inner understanding of the mind and the world around one (philosophy / consciousness / psychology). Most Hindus, I find, are more the outer ritualistic kind. My father included. He does all his daily prayer rituals diligently without really knowing what it’s all for. He says this is what my grandfather did so he is doing the same. I am more of the second kind. I prefer to know the purpose of anything that I do. For example if I put a flame near a god I would like to know why. (I have no answers but I do this anyway to appease my father; because I love him with all my heart and this small ritual makes him happy).

I digress. When I was in Kuantan my father was watching a drama on tv about a particular god in Hindu mythology, known as the judge because he delivers karmic consequences, be it good or bad, to all beings in the universe. Since I like knowing about religion I started watching the program with him.

I wish I didn’t. The judge is supposed to be impartial, equal and fair in dispensing justice, without emotional or other interference. But the more I watch, the more agitated I become because even in delivering karmic consequences (karma is supposed to be based purely on action and intention, regardless of extraneous factors - for example, if I steal I will be punished accordingly even if I steal to give to the poor and gain no benefit from the theft, because the act of stealing is wrong) there appears to be imbalance in the rules.

There appears to me to be one set of rules for the rich, the famous, the beautiful, the privileged, the entitled; and another set of more severe rules for the average nobodies like me. I try to console myself by thinking that this is a mere tv series, it is based on myths, and then on interpretation of those myths by various people throughout the centuries, and the true meaning may have been lost in translation along the way.

But there is a nagging thought in my mind that this imbalance or injustice is somehow true, because I see it with my own eyes everyday. People who are rich and powerful tend to get away with a lot more compared to normal average people. For example, the son of a king may get away with a speeding ticket but the same leniency would not be extended to me, the daughter of a staunch Hindu. 

So in the end, I realise that the reason I continue to try and do good and do the right thing is because it is simply that - good and right. Not because I will be rewarded by going to heaven or because my good karma will protect me or bring me some just reward or benefit. It is very disheartening. But I guess I’m only saying that because I am not rich, famous, beautiful, privileged or entitled. If I were, perhaps I would see things differently. Or perhaps not. I will never know. 🤷🏽‍♀️

Blinkers and a muzzle

I have been told time and again to follow the rules and procedures everywhere I go: in school, in university, at work, at government departments, at service providers. A lot of these rules and procedures do not make a lot of sense to me, but whenever I ask questions, the answer is inevitably “I don’t know”, or “I’m just a servant here following orders”, or “it has always been like this”, or the best one “if you want [what I signed up for] then you have to follow the rules”.

It drives me mad. If something doesn’t make sense to me, it has to be explained to me why it is being done that way. But nobody seems to be interested in the why. They prefer to just blindly follow instructions, right or wrong, so as not to rock the boat.

And the sad part is, I am always the villain because I dare to question. Who do I think I am? Everyone is following these procedures so why can’t I? The thing is, I always end up following the rules anyway because I have to look at the big picture which is to get whatever it is that I signed up for. So I keep telling myself that since I’m going to end up following these nonsensical rules anyway, why don’t I just keep quiet and do it instead of asking questions?

It’s like that saying:

“Ours not to question why,

Ours but to do or die.”

From the looks of it, I need blinkers and a muzzle to fit into society 🙄. I have no idea how I even made it this far! 

Either/or by Soren Kierkegaard

One of my many interests in life is philosophy. I had the pleasure of reading Either/Or by Soren Kierkegaard. He basically says that one can either live an aesthetic or an ethical life. An aesthetic lifestyle eventually leads to despair because sooner or later one will get bored, as this life has its limits. I’m not sure why one can’t live both aesthetically and ethically.

But anyway, I found several quotes in the book which I found to be simply delightful; and so I am setting them out here:

I have only one confidant, the silence of the night. And why is it my confidant? Because it is silent.

This is part of the confusion evident in so many ways in our age: we look for a thing where we ought not to look for it; and worse, we find it where we ought not to find it.

 Yesterday I loved, 

 Today I suffer,

 Tomorrow I die.

 Yet fain would I think

 Today and tomorrow, 

 Of yesterday. 

 (German poem)

For only someone who has been bitten by snakes knows what the victim of a snake-bite suffers.

And what is life but madness, and faith but folly, and hope but reprieve, and love but salt in the wound?

People of experience maintain that it is very sensible to start from a principle. I grant them that and start with the principle that all men are boring. Or will someone be boring enough to contradict me in this?

‘Boring’ can describe a person who bores others as well as one who bores himself.

...how strange it is that those who don’t bore themselves usually bore others, while those who do bore themselves amuse others. The people who do not bore themselves are generally those who are busy in the world.

Idleness, it is usually said, is a root of all evil.

The root of evil is boredom, and that is what must be kept at bay.

When two people fall in love and suspect they are made for each other, the thing is to have the courage to break it off, for by continuing they only have everything to lose and nothing to gain. It seems a paradox and is so, for feeling, not for understanding.

The girl made an impression upon me and I have forgotten her. The other has made no impression and I can remember her. 

After all, a girl loves only once.

What does love love? Infinitude. 

What does love fear? Limitation.

But I do not create myself, I choose myself.

“No man should be considered happy until he had finished his life happily.”

Said by Solon to Croesus, last king of Lydia (told by Herodotus)

“Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself: sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof.”

Matthew 6.34

“I have spoken and freed my mind.”

 Words used by Roman orators to conclude their speeches.

Time to reflect

The lockdown has given me a lot of time to reflect. Mostly my mind takes me to the past, and while there are a lot of things I have long since forgotten, there are some things I wish I could forget but unfortunately remember.

But in this time of reflection I faced all these uncomfortable, cringe-worthy memories, and at the end of it all I came to the conclusion that I do not regret any of the things that I have done or have chosen not to do. Of course, with perfect vision on hindsight, I can righteously say now that I would have acted or said some things differently, but generally these things were all part and parcel of me growing up. And I think in the process of growing up we all make silly mistakes along the way, embarrassing mistakes, foolish mistakes. 

And so what? Nobody is perfect, least of all me. I can’t even promise that I will not make another mistake again. Life just happens and you decide based on the circumstances available to you at that moment, and you just hope it was the right move but if it turns out that it wasn’t, then you can just ponder and hopefully learn something from it and move on.

In this way, I have slowly learned to accept every negative memory that I have, as being part and parcel of my life: I can’t erase it, but I can accept it as an experience in my life and move on.

I do have one regret though. Just one. And I can’t seem to rectify it, so I have to accept it, but this will take some time. I hope I can come to terms with this regret before I die, because I think otherwise I may die a little bit unhappy. 

Three little girls

In Kuantan there is a particular place up the hill about a km walk from my house, in a Malay reserve area, where I like to jog because of the quaint scenery, the peace and quiet, and the relatively fresh air. The place where I jog makes a small loop around a dead end, and 5 rounds makes 1 km so it is also a good marker for tracking my distance.

In that area live 3 little girls who have become my friends although I am not particularly fond of children. I have given them some story books in the past and they like talking to me and telling me all their stories which I must admit I find quite amusing. 

Recently there has been a group of young boys hanging around that area on their motorcycles; they appear to be up to no good. Generally I feel uncomfortable when they are around although I ignore them and continue with my jogging. 

The other day the 3 little girls said they wanted to follow me jogging (their 1 round is my 2 rounds) but they were scared to pass by the naughty boys so they would wait for me to be near and then run behind me. I guess they feel more safe and secure in my presence. 

I feel heroic, I tell you. Really heroic. For a few minutes I was the protector of 3 little girls. It may not be much but it made me feel useful (a feeling I don’t usually have). Above all, I felt like a hero for the first time in my life. It is a nice feeling. 

I try and teach the 3 little girls as many things as I can, usually about the things we find around the area - caterpillars, a small snake, ants, wild boars. They cling to my every word as if I’m some kind of teacher, which in a way I guess I am. 

I can’t help but think that this is what it would be like if I had 3 little girls of my own. Teaching them things all the time and they hanging on to my every word, protecting them from naughty boys, keeping them safe, laughing and being happy in those few precious minutes.

With one big difference. I get to say goodbye to them at the end of my run. If they were mine I would be stuck with them.

I can handle children only for a short, fixed amount of time. About an hour or so. That is the extent of my maternal instincts. Then I’m out, thank you and goodbye. 

Lockdown Blues - Part 8

Someone once told me that there is always 3 sides to a story - your side, my side, and the truth.

This is true, of course. I can tell my side of the story, from my perspective. I can only guess what your side of the story is, but I will never really know for sure. And then there is the truth, which neither of us will ever know. 

Take for example my first real boss. I will say to this day that he was biased and didn’t appreciate me enough. I’m sure he would say that he was not biased, and I was not an easy employee. And what is the truth?

Or this friend I used to consider my friend, who I feel has let me down and is therefore no longer my friend. She would probably say I was asking for too much and she couldn’t take the pressure. And the truth?

Or this other friend who I swear asked for legal advice in the presence of other friends, and then told everyone that I announced her problem to the world. My side: she announced it herself and later regretted it, so she blamed me. Her side (probably): I made her announce it. And the truth?

I guess no one will ever know the truth, because in the end I think everyone chooses to believe their own sides of the story. Me included. Because if the truth does come out and it is not on your side, your entire reality is torn to bits and what you are left with is mere illusions that you believed was your reality.

And I guess this is true for everyone: Better to believe in an illusion that may be real, rather than a reality that may be an illusion. 

Lockdown Blues - Part 7

Today was a day of aunts. 

I have withdrawn myself from the world, and I’m happier this way. There’s a certain amount of stress associated with social media and reading the news, so I did what I should have done from the start, which is to ignore all these white noise in the background.

So here I am minding my own business, when I get 2 phone calls in the same day, from 2 different aunts of mine; one here in the city and one in my hometown. I wouldn’t consider myself particularly close to my aunts, so to receive a call from both of them in the same day is rather peculiar.

From my conversations with the both of them, it was clear to me that they had been discussing ‘my situation’ - that I am all alone here and therefore I must need help. 

I assured both my aunts that I was completely ok staying on my own; it is my inability to go outdoors that is my main cause of anxiety and stress - this problem will not be solved no matter where I stayed, be it in a house full of people or in a house on my own. 

I appreciated their concern for me. I still do. But of course I couldn’t help thinking.

This only goes to show, that even when you’re all alone away from the world and minding your own business, there will be people talking about you nevertheless. It may be with good intentions, but it’s still talking about you.

And this, in a nutshell, is my problem with human beings in general. No matter what you do, even if you do absolutely nothing and stay away from all forms of civilisation, people will still inevitably talk about you in your absence. I’m not sure I like it 🤔.

Lockdown Blues - Part 6

In the spirit of my new-found acceptance and calm, I picked up a book for the first time in 20 days and the first page contained this:

“It’s kind of obvious: when you hide, people seek, whereas when you talk about something that matters to you, no one listens. Ever. This is the main way in which human beings are reliable.”

How amazing it is that someone out there actually understands how I feel right now, albeit through a fictional character.

I’m tired of trying to explain myself to people who genuinely do not want to listen, or who pretend not to listen. I’m tired of always listening to others but when it’s my turn to talk, they just switch off. I always thought conversations, friendships, relationships were a 2-way street. How wrong I was, and still am! 

I forgot how wonderful it is to have a meaningful conversation with myself, through you, my darling blog. 

I can say what I want without being judged, or ridiculed, or suppressed. Oh blog, if only you were a real person! But perhaps it’s just as well that you’re not 🤔.

Lockdown Blues - Part 5

In the spirit of acceptance:

I accept that at my age, I will never be as slim as I used to be 20 years ago.

I accept that I will not be visiting the moon or any other planet in our solar system.

I accept that I have a weird dog that I love nonetheless.

I accept that I will not be visiting all the countries in this planet. 

I accept that I am the least favourite child of my parents. 

I accept that there will always be telemarketers who obtain my mobile number in violation of personal data laws and who will blatantly call me, lockdown or otherwise.

I accept that I live in an old house where the electricity trips when there is a lightning storm, sometimes when I’m in the middle of a shower at night.

I accept that Izzy Stradlin will never re-unite with Guns n’ Roses.

I accept that there will always be cockroaches.

I accept that I will never be a rock star, a pilot, a police detective investigating homicides, an officer in the army or an astronaut (my various childhood dreams 🙄).

I accept that I will continue to plan, hope and dream but that nothing is guaranteed.

I accept that I am incapable of being loved for who I am. 

I accept that nothing is for free and I have to work hard to get what I want, be it tangible or otherwise. 

I accept that I will continue to be annoyed, disappointed and heartbroken until the bitter end. 

I accept that I will die alone, probably in pain and penniless, with a million regrets but with the calm acceptance of my fate 🙄. 

Lockdown Blues - Part 4

I’m beginning to understand that acceptance is the key to my existence. For the first 14 days of the lockdown, I was really on edge because I really felt my freedom being curtailed, my wings being clipped. The one thing that has always enchanted my free spirit, my joy, my zeal, my soul is the great outdoors, and now it is taken away from me. And this denial of reality, this rage that was building up inside of me didn’t allow me to do the other things that I loved to do - watch some nice series or read a good book. 

And then I gave up in utter despair. Whether I liked it or not, I am trapped where I am with myself and my dog. After 3 days of inactivity, I learned to accept this entire situation, as difficult and as appalling as it is. 

With acceptance came the calmness that I had before the lockdown. I can now once again do the things that I enjoy. My mind is not as restless as it used to be. But I think I have accepted not only this phase in my life but everything that will ever happen in the future. Good or bad, I will accept.

I like to think that I am the hero in my own story. I now accept that my story is a really boring one. All adventure scenes are created and paid for by myself. The majority of my story is made up of mundane trivialities that make no sense most of the time. But so be it. 

I accept that my story will mean nothing in the end. But it’s still my story and it means everything to me. At least, it should 😅.

Lockdown Blues - Part 3

All I did these past 2 days is lie in bed, watch tv and cry. I really feel trapped and overwhelmed. I have lost all mood to do anything else. 

I can’t read a book because my mind is too distraught and then I find I do not know what I’m reading. I can’t play guitar because I am not feeling very inspired. I can’t do indoor exercises because I’m bored of seeing the same surroundings. I can’t bring myself to play with P.U.P. because I don’t want her to see me sad. I can’t communicate with people because nothing is happening and all conversations are about this damn virus which I’m also bored of. 

So I watch tv to soothe my distraught brain but the cruel thoughts keep intruding. Why am I even here? So unloved, so unwanted. It doesn’t make a difference if I lived or died. Not one damn difference. 

Lockdown Blues - Part 2

The thing that disappoints me the most right now is love. 

I have my parents, who, to be brutally honest, have to love me for no other reason than I’m their daughter. I have my childhood friends, and some fairly recent friends, and these are all the people in the world who give a damn about me.

They tell you that it is important and rewarding to build friendships and relationships.  For as long as I’ve been in the city, I’ve tried to do just that. I thought some friendships that I had fostered over the years were pretty special, but as it turns out, they weren’t at all special. Well, at least not to the other parties. And now when I look back on my life, it’s like 15 years of my life never happened at all. The people who were in it during that time, some for as long as 10 years, are all gone with the wind.

To be honest I’ve suspected this for some time, but now during this lockdown when everyone has nothing better to do, I was hoping some of them would ask me how I’m coping, since I am the one without a job and without a family.

So much for hope. I’ve lived alone for the past 10 years and I can do it till the day I die. The lesson that I will take away from this bloody lockdown is that 1) you can only ever rely on yourself alone, 2) most friendships and relationships are not as important as you may think they are.

So as I sit here and contemplate life for the umpteenth time, I vow never to put in effort into another friendship or relationship again. After all, when no one is around at the worst of times, why would I need anyone in the best of times?

Lockdown Blues - Part 1

I came back from Africa feeling so refreshed and energised. I was ready to take on the world, learn new things, join the workforce, make some more money, and go on my next adventure again!

That was about 2 months ago. Things were going really great too with job opportunities and my oral exam around the corner. I came back from a lovely trip in my hometown with my parents to prepare for my oral exam, and then the country went into lockdown.

Suddenly everything was put on hold. No job, no exam, no travelling, no going back to the comfort of my parents’ home, no running, no going out. It was a nightmare. It still is.

I took about a year off to do my thing, which I was doing wholeheartedly and with great enthusiasm. It was something that I mentally prepared myself for. 

This lockdown, however, is something I am not mentally prepared for. First of all, there is always the financial worry because I am using up my savings for everyday expenses, something I would rather not do. Then there is the restriction on outdoor activities like jogging in the park or going to the gym or taking my dog out for a walk or just having a drink at a coffee shop. 

I feel as if I’m in prison, but I am also angry because I have done nothing wrong in order to be locked up like this. And at a difficult time like this, I really don’t need people preaching to me about how many people are dying in Italy and Spain. There is always going to be people worse off than me; there is always going to be people better off than me. Comparing others to my situation is really not helping me in any way. In fact, it makes it worse because it makes me feel that I should be feeling sorry for others; I have so much to be thankful for etc when I already feel miserable as it is.

I tried. I really did. Daily indoor exercises, getting in touch with my guitar again, keeping up with the latest news etc. 

At day 14 it all started going downhill. I don’t see an end in sight and all my plans are not happening and I’m stuck here all alone with my damaged mind. A recipe for disaster.

I’m in hibernation mode right now. The world wants me to stay indoors and do nothing, so indoors I shall stay and do nothing. When the world wakes up again, all I can do is hope I have the mental strength to wake with it.