Lockdown Blues - Part 1

I came back from Africa feeling so refreshed and energised. I was ready to take on the world, learn new things, join the workforce, make some more money, and go on my next adventure again!

That was about 2 months ago. Things were going really great too with job opportunities and my oral exam around the corner. I came back from a lovely trip in my hometown with my parents to prepare for my oral exam, and then the country went into lockdown.

Suddenly everything was put on hold. No job, no exam, no travelling, no going back to the comfort of my parents’ home, no running, no going out. It was a nightmare. It still is.

I took about a year off to do my thing, which I was doing wholeheartedly and with great enthusiasm. It was something that I mentally prepared myself for. 

This lockdown, however, is something I am not mentally prepared for. First of all, there is always the financial worry because I am using up my savings for everyday expenses, something I would rather not do. Then there is the restriction on outdoor activities like jogging in the park or going to the gym or taking my dog out for a walk or just having a drink at a coffee shop. 

I feel as if I’m in prison, but I am also angry because I have done nothing wrong in order to be locked up like this. And at a difficult time like this, I really don’t need people preaching to me about how many people are dying in Italy and Spain. There is always going to be people worse off than me; there is always going to be people better off than me. Comparing others to my situation is really not helping me in any way. In fact, it makes it worse because it makes me feel that I should be feeling sorry for others; I have so much to be thankful for etc when I already feel miserable as it is.

I tried. I really did. Daily indoor exercises, getting in touch with my guitar again, keeping up with the latest news etc. 

At day 14 it all started going downhill. I don’t see an end in sight and all my plans are not happening and I’m stuck here all alone with my damaged mind. A recipe for disaster.

I’m in hibernation mode right now. The world wants me to stay indoors and do nothing, so indoors I shall stay and do nothing. When the world wakes up again, all I can do is hope I have the mental strength to wake with it.