Tell no lies vs no harsh speech

More than 20 years ago I read a lot of books on Buddhism. One of the basic principles in Buddhism is tell no lies. I’ve tried to be honest over these years, but it is more difficult than one thinks. 

For one, most people don’t appreciate honesty. They end up feeling hurt and blame me for their hurt feelings (because I told them the truth). Over the years I’ve been told that I lack tact, I am too direct, I am too harsh, I lack social skills, I am mean. Also over the years, I’ve learnt to soften my approach especially in the working environment. For example, instead of telling the boss something cannot be done, I give suggestions on how it can be done in a better or proper way. It’s still saying it cannot be done, but in a more tactful way, I guess. How tiresome! 

And then there are times when I know the truth will hurt someone and I am either too lazy to think of a tactful answer, or there is no tactful answer, and I end up lying. For example, if someone who is dieting asks me if they have lost weight, I almost inevitably tell them “a little bit” even though they have not lost any weight or worse, they have in fact gained weight. 

I know this is not right but I just don’t know what to say in those circumstances. 

Recently I have been reading up on religion again, particularly Buddhism and the principle of telling no lies actually falls under a wider concept of ‘no harsh speech’. This includes not only not telling lies, but also no gossip, no harsh speech that can hurt another’s feelings, no rumour mongering, etc. 

I already knew this but 20 years ago, honesty was the most important thing to me (although I failed sometimes). But now, 20 years later, no harsh speech seems to be equally important to me. I guess experience does count for something. And that different things have different meanings to you at different points in your life. This is also why I sometimes re-read the books I have read, because reading it as a teenager and again as an adult can make you feel differently about the book, and sometimes you have an opposite view about a character. For example Heathcliff in Wuthering Heights. It is fascinating.

But I digress. This honesty vs no harsh speech I have a real problem with. How do I be honest and at the same time say it in such a way so as to not hurt another’s feelings? 

I am faced with a dilemma right now. Someone I don’t particularly like has been asking me to go out for the longest time. Previously I’ve made up a thousand reasons why I am not free to see him (lies! 😱😱😱) but either he genuinely doesn’t understand, or doesn’t want to understand. On 2 occasions I just got tired of making excuses and met up with him, and on both occasions I made it clear that I was not enjoying myself.

He has not given up. He calls again. What the hell do I do. Wait. I know what I must do. Be honest but at the same time not hurt his feelings.

How the hell do I do that??