Losing my religion

My father is a staunch Hindu. 

This statement needs an explanation. The more I read about religion, the more I am convinced that there are 2 main aspects of every religion: one is the outer ritual practices, and the other is the inner understanding of the mind and the world around one (philosophy / consciousness / psychology). Most Hindus, I find, are more the outer ritualistic kind. My father included. He does all his daily prayer rituals diligently without really knowing what it’s all for. He says this is what my grandfather did so he is doing the same. I am more of the second kind. I prefer to know the purpose of anything that I do. For example if I put a flame near a god I would like to know why. (I have no answers but I do this anyway to appease my father; because I love him with all my heart and this small ritual makes him happy).

I digress. When I was in Kuantan my father was watching a drama on tv about a particular god in Hindu mythology, known as the judge because he delivers karmic consequences, be it good or bad, to all beings in the universe. Since I like knowing about religion I started watching the program with him.

I wish I didn’t. The judge is supposed to be impartial, equal and fair in dispensing justice, without emotional or other interference. But the more I watch, the more agitated I become because even in delivering karmic consequences (karma is supposed to be based purely on action and intention, regardless of extraneous factors - for example, if I steal I will be punished accordingly even if I steal to give to the poor and gain no benefit from the theft, because the act of stealing is wrong) there appears to be imbalance in the rules.

There appears to me to be one set of rules for the rich, the famous, the beautiful, the privileged, the entitled; and another set of more severe rules for the average nobodies like me. I try to console myself by thinking that this is a mere tv series, it is based on myths, and then on interpretation of those myths by various people throughout the centuries, and the true meaning may have been lost in translation along the way.

But there is a nagging thought in my mind that this imbalance or injustice is somehow true, because I see it with my own eyes everyday. People who are rich and powerful tend to get away with a lot more compared to normal average people. For example, the son of a king may get away with a speeding ticket but the same leniency would not be extended to me, the daughter of a staunch Hindu. 

So in the end, I realise that the reason I continue to try and do good and do the right thing is because it is simply that - good and right. Not because I will be rewarded by going to heaven or because my good karma will protect me or bring me some just reward or benefit. It is very disheartening. But I guess I’m only saying that because I am not rich, famous, beautiful, privileged or entitled. If I were, perhaps I would see things differently. Or perhaps not. I will never know. 🤷🏽‍♀️