Merry Christmas!

Christmas is about:

(1)       Eating food cooked by my Mother, which is still the best food in the world because it is (wait for the cliché…) filled with love!

(2)        Jogging with my Father where we get to also chat about everything
             and nothing at all.

(3)        Hanging out with old friends and reminiscing the good old times.

(4)        Feeling safe, warm and comfortable in the house I grew up in.

(5)        Irritating, and getting irritated by, my brothers. I say this with nothing but
              love for them.

(6)        Doing some soul searching with promises of being a better person.

(7)        Wishing everyone joy, happiness and peace throughout the year and        
              throughout their lives.

(8)        Forgiving and forgetting the past.

(9)        Enjoying the present (and the presents).

(10)      Living life because this won’t last forever.

The end justifies the means

In the last week, I have come to realize that part of the reason why I am depressed is because of the company I keep. Whatever it is that people call it – aura, presence, vibe, feeling, body language, pheromone (?) – it is contagious. Sometimes you will just know that someone is angry or sad or happy just by being around them, without them ever saying a word to you.

So when you hang out with people who constantly bitch about one thing or another, there is a sense of negativity, doom, gloom, despair, etc that pervades the atmosphere and sort of penetrates your shield and before you know it, you are infected with that same virus.

The cure? I guess stay away from people like that, and replace them with happy, positive people. Which is sad because I am actually quite fond of some of them, bitching and all. But if this is the only way for me to be happy in life, I guess that is what I have to do. So ironic that it has to be a sad solution for a happy ending.

'If' by Rudyard Kipling

I’m feeling poetic this Sunday afternoon. Here’s my favourite poem, ‘If’ by Rudyard Kipling. It’s Buddhism in a poem (at least, that’s my interpretation).

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;


If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with wornout tools;


If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on";


If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch;
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run -
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man my son!

When no means no

I’m usually quite certain about what I want and what I don’t want. But there are exceptions to this general rule. There always are. Persistence is one of them. When people persistently ask me to do something and they won’t take no for an answer, I tend to give in not because I want to but because I want be rid of them. The problem with giving in is that I sometimes end up doing things that I really don’t like doing. And I don’t see why I should be put in this position.

So recently I decided that I shall be more persistent in saying no to persistent people, starting yesterday. Needless to say, it didn’t go down well. I got blamed for leading them on because notwithstanding my earlier rejections, the fact that I kept answering their calls apparently meant that they still stood a chance. What kind of a warped mentality is that I really do not know. But at least I’m now rid of one persistent person. Now for the rest! There has to be an easier way to say no and let the recipient understand that no means no and they should just give it up. No means no. Not maybe, not I'll think about it, not you still have a chance, not yes. No is what it is. NO.

I’m still trying to figure that one out.

Of women and bananas

Women only coaches. Women taxi drivers for women travelling alone. A radio station for women.

As a woman, I will be the first to tell you that there are many prejudices against women, and many perils that women must face on a daily basis – unwanted stares, ‘accidental’ touching in a crowded LRT, unequal treatment, sexual harassment, snatch thefts, rape, murder, ethnic cleansing, genocide. And so the safety measures undertaken by the Government, and the radio station for women discussing issues relating to women, are all steps taken towards the protection and betterment of women.

But it is superficial. Women’s biggest enemy is one that is not so easily rectified, because it lies in the mind. For a change in mindset, education is key and must be instilled in the young from the earliest possible stage. The day it is instilled in the future generation that women are equals, is the day women will truly be empowered and free. Women need not be protected anymore because they will be respected enough not to be violated in any way.

Rather utopian but that is the only long term solution as I see it. Sadly I don’t see it happening. Educating the young is not only telling them that men and women are equal, but also actually treating men and women equally so for example, sons should be told to help in household chores and daughters should be encouraged to play soccer if that is their interest. How many parents are courageous enough to do that?

Until there is a complete change in the mindset of human beings, you will continue to have idiots that try to stop women from buying or eating bananas and cucumbers. It is not women who need protecting, it is bigots – men and women alike – who need protection from their own twisted minds.

Letter to the Editor

I wrote a letter to the editor in response to a letter written by one Mr. Philip Markus who criticized lawyers for joining the 'Walk for Freedom' organized by the Bar Council and which took place on 29 November 2011. It didn't get published considering I wrote to the mainstream media. All's not lost, there is alternative platforms like my trusted blog. Here is my response:

"In civil society there lies a distinction between one who is intellectually dishonest and one who is oblivious. Admittedly, I am placed in the former category, sometimes. In the ‘Views’ column of The Star, a letter by Mr. Philip Markus of Kuala Lumpur entitled “Uphold Law, not violate it” appearing on 01.12.2011 provides the distinction.

Being a lawyer is not all about prosecuting or defending a client’s case in court. Law cannot be practiced in a vacuum. For justice to be done, the entire legal system must work i.e. there must be legislation that conform to the Federal Constitution, a free and independent judiciary, and a robust legal profession that acts without fear or favour. Law being something so close to a legal practitioner’s heart, he is duty bound to interpret, redefine, reinvent and even challenge the law not only to ensure its relevance in meeting the demands of a modern and ever changing world, but also to avoid redundancy and mockery of laws that come into effect.

Many people, presumably including Mr. Philip Markus, often view protests or resistance in any form as the antitheses of loyalty and patriotism. The opposite is true. The true enemy of society is not rebellion, it is apathy.

Like Mr. Philip Markus, I am also a law-abiding citizen. Unlike Mr. Philip Markus, I believe in standing up for my guaranteed constitutional rights whenever the same is under threat of erosion or abolition, because laws that steer away from the Federal Constitution threaten the entire legal system, which in turn threatens the epitome of justice. Perhaps that is why I am a lawyer, and proud of it!"

Temporary happiness

It’s been raining everyday, especially in the evenings. Not very cheerful weather. The monsoon season is here, and this year almost with a vengeance – floods, storms, thunder, lightning, the works. Makes it difficult to run in the park after work.

Today I managed to avoid the bloody rain, and run in the park after work. Running makes me happy. Temporarily, that is. That’s the thing that I realize, there are many things that make me happy, but only temporarily. Running makes me happy. My girls make me happy. The occasional (sinful?) indulgences make me happy. Coffee makes me happy. Flowers make me happy. The sun makes me happy. The moon, the wind, the trees, the birds singing, music – all make me happy. And on and on. But only for so long.

What I’m looking for is permanent happiness. It eludes me, has eluded me all my life. Wishful thinking? There is no such thing?

As the saying goes, there are only 2 certainties in life. I’m certainly not happy paying taxes. A kiss for those of you who guessed the synonym for permanent happiness in my world.

She should find happiness

Nothing makes her happy anymore. She is empty inside. She is living without being alive. She has given up. If only she could cut her heart open so people can see how sad sad sad she really is. She is heartbroken. She is stuck. She cannot end it. Nor can she move forward.

Nobody understands that. They think she is a drama queen. She is seeking attention. It’s a shame that she feels this way. She should find happiness.

She should find happiness. She has decided that on her 50^th birthday, she will end her sadness once and for all. She figures that by that time everything that she has ever loved will be no more. She will be alone and unable to hurt anyone. She will be free to be free.

She can get through another 17 years. She has done it before.  And then she will be forever free. She has found her happiness. The thought that she has only 17 more years to live is her happiness.

Here I go again

I don’t know how I can be happy one minute and sad the next. Maybe they were right. Maybe it’s more than just a phase. Maybe it’s a chemical imbalance in my brain and I really do need help.

The problem with that is, nobody can help me if I don’t help myself. But I don’t know how to help myself. Because I don’t even know what is wrong. Why I feel this way. What is going through my mind right now is, if I had the chance to go back in time and make one change in my life, I would change the fact that I was ever born. Nothing good came out of me being born.

Maybe I should stop trying to make sense of life and just live it. The problem with that is, I am living life but I am not happy. Nothing makes me happy anymore. People can tell me that that is a shame, the world is your oyster etc but this is how I feel right now. Nothing makes me happy anymore. I am here, I am alive, I am doing the bare minimum to stay that way. What kind of a life is that?

Dare I?

You are standing at the edge. Your heart still beats restlessly. It will never be still again. Your head is pounding almost to the brink of insanity. You wonder whether this is the right choice. You cannot think properly. Your head aches. It will never stop. Your body is corrupted. There is nothing left. You gently weep but there are no tears left. You step closer to the edge. One more step is all it will take. It’s not too late. You can turn back. You can change this. You are better than this. Stronger than this. You can defeat this. You have always fought back. So fight back now.

I take a step.

Just let it out

God really works in mysterious ways. There is this person that I was very angry at for some time, although I really thought I was over being angry. Or maybe I just thought I had it under control. I have always been one to speak my mind, sometimes to my own detriment but that’s just me. I am hot-tempered but have cooled down a lot over the years.

I always felt that the best way to deal with anger is to actually let it all out. It’s easier to control the degree in which you burst, which I have managed to do (I hope!), if you let it out in small doses. But it’s always better to get whatever that is bothering you off your chest. Otherwise, it will just linger somewhere inside you, hiding in some deep dark shadowy corner until, like a volcano, it all just erupts one fine day and then you find that you said or did more than you intended to. The control mechanisms suddenly just don’t work.

And that is exactly what happened yesterday. I was just fine, chilling and not thinking about anything in particular, when suddenly I received this SMS from this person that I was angry at, and I dunno why but I suddenly just snapped. I told him everything that I always wanted to tell him but kept bottled up inside, and then it all just came out in one big explosion. Had I told him off at the appropriate times, yesterday wouldn’t have been that bad. But once I was unleashed, there was just no stopping me.

And even after that, I felt that I hadn’t finished, that I could go on telling him off but somehow, just as mysteriously as it began, it stopped. He deserved what he got and then some. But still, it’s not good for me to explode in rage like that. It could lead to a whole host of other problems like hypertension, high blood pressure etc and for what? For someone who was never worth my time in the first place.

And here is where God comes in. Of all days, today I had to bump into him! Damn bloody awkward! I swear these things only happen to me. So I gather God is trying to tell me something. Speak my mind and don’t keep things bottled up inside, or be more patient generally, or I have to learn to deal with the consequences of my actions, or all of the above.

Since I’m still learning to keep my patience, I shall show my anger in small doses next time lest I detonate again.

Holidays!

I recently went to Turkey for a holiday. 2 days in Ephesus, 2 days in Cappadoccia, and 6 days in Istanbul. I like travelling. I like seeing different cultures, different ways of life, different weather, different food, different people, different things to see, different places to go, etc.

The thing I like most about travelling is that for the duration of my journey, I feel as if I am temporarily a different person altogether, and I can forget about my life and the real world for a while. Escapism if you like. I can be whoever I want to be, and no one will judge me because no one knows me. It’s like taking a break from life.

It’s really refreshing. I should do this more often. And try not to get fired at the same time!

Acceptance

As I grow older, I realize that I have become more and more accepting of the circumstances around me, no matter good or bad.

I accept that there are very few good people around me. I accept that I can count the number of people who are truly happy for my triumphs. I accept that I can count the number of people I can count on in times of need.

I accept that most people I know are selfish judgmental fools. I accept that I don’t need to be around negative people who complain about one thing or the other all the time. I accept that insulating myself against negativity may bring about positive thinking on my part notwithstanding the shallow innuendo that avoidance is never the solution.

I accept that people will make use of me. I accept that people will blame me even if it’s not my fault. I accept that people will take credit for my hard work. I accept that people will betray me. I accept that people will kick me when I’m down. I accept that people will talk behind my back.

I accept that I am an imperfect being. I accept that I have made mistakes. That I will make mistakes. That I am not right all the time. That it is not always black and white but various shades of colours.

I accept that I am alone and may be alone till the day I die. I accept that I live in an unforgiving world. I accept that the world may end tomorrow. If that really happens, I accept that too.

I live, but what have I learned?

It never happened before. I hope it never happens again. It's a total state of suspension. Almost like an out of body experience. Like it is happening to someone else. Realizing in 2 seconds that it happened to you. And yet not fully realizing. Picking up the pieces. Dealing with disaster. Missing a heart beat. Knowing it could have been worse.

With everything that has happened, one would think that I would be happy to be alive. But I am not. My only regret is that I almost took the people I loved the most with me. I don’t know what it was supposed to mean or symbolize. Life is precious? Life is short? I know I should feel that way but I don’t. Perhaps I will never know what it is supposed to mean. Perhaps I am not meant to know.

Beyond ridiculous

What next? I can’t invite my Muslim friends to my house for Deepavali because there are pictures and statues of Hindu Gods and Jesus Christ and Mother Mary in my house and therefore the Islamic Religious Department may raid my house on the basis that I am proselytizing??

Stray thoughts

Like ocean waves it comes and goes. Never ceasing. Always existing. Is it natural? A figment of my imagination? A creation of my mind? A surreal state of existence that is only present in our world? Or just my world?

I do not have the answers. Maybe there are no answers. It comes and goes. That is the reality I am faced with. I could either accept it or fight back with no guarantee of victory. But if I do not fight back, defeat is certain.

The repetitive ceaselessness of the web of disaster grips me and lets go at its whim and fancy. There is nothing I can do about it. I am getting too tired to fight. What will happen if I am caught in its web? 

There is no escape. It will come and go come what may.

I prefer fiction

Every time I think I am finally awaking from the nightmare, it occurs to me that life is the nightmare. How do I awake from life?

It could be worse

In the last month, two women I know told me stories about their lives that I swear are fit for Hollywood movies. Except that their stories were real. They were actually living difficult, almost impossible lives, everyday.

A small part of me felt sorry for them, but a big part of me was amazed at how strong they were, how much of a survivor they were despite everything that happened. Against all odds, they somehow found the strength to survive, to face life, to go on living, to smile and to laugh. I don’t know how they do it. I suspect it is some deep inner strength that they are just born with. I truly admire them. These women are the real unsung heroes who carry the weight of the world on their shoulders without expectation of sympathy nor appreciation.  Life just goes on for them. They will take whatever life throws at them.

I don’t know whether it was a coincidence that I met these two women in such a short span of time. I can’t help but think that this is God’s way of telling me that there are worse things that can happen. I know that there are worse things that can happen. I know this. I am thankful for whatever I have now, for who I am now, where I am now, how I am now. I am.

And yet I am morose most of the time. Restless sometimes. As if there is something missing. I don’t even know what it missing. I feel as if I too am carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders – except I don’t know what this weight is, or from whence it came from; but now I can’t seem to get rid of it.

Yet another day

I used to believe that love conquers all. Now I know that sometimes love is just not enough.

I used to believe that my friends will always be there for me. Now I know that most of them will be there for me only when it is convenient for them.

I used to believe that everything is worth fighting for. Now I know that nothing is ever that important enough to fight for. Most of the time it is better to just let go.

I used to believe that I am capable of being loved. Now I know that no one can love me.

Life stops hurting so much when you give up thinking that it could be different.

Leadership by example

It never ceases to amaze me how people can just make the most ludicrous statements and honestly think that there is nothing wrong with that statement.

The Director General of the Atomic Energy Licensing Board was quoted in The Star, Thursday, 21 July 2011 as saying that Lynas Corp must compile the medical history of residents living near Gebeng industrial area in order to compare this with their state of health once the rare earth facility starts operation.

And so once operations start - and it transpires that there are higher levels of radiation, cancer, other radiation-linked diseases etc in that area - wouldn't it be too late?

All these people who are in favour of the rare earth facility operated by Lynas Corp in Gebeng – I dare them to stay with their families and friends in that area, to breathe the air in that area, drink the water in that area, live in that area. Leadership by example. Go on. If it is really so safe, start walking the talk. Prove us wrong. Live there.

Democracy is overrated

Some people I know joined the bersih rally today. They did it for various reasons – some just wanted to be a part of something, some wanted to know what it was like, some genuinely believed in the cause, some believed in freedom of expression and freedom of assembly.

Good for them. All of them believed in democracy. As do I. And yet, they will not hear the other side of the story – the story of those who believe in the same things as these people namely democracy, freedom of assembly, freedom of expression, citizens’ rights, etc, but who still oppose the rally. I don’t judge them for believing in what they do or for joining the rally. All of that is well and good. But when I put forward my arguments as to why protesting in the streets is not the solution to the problem, they just don’t listen! And it is driving me crazy! The very people who are willing to get arrested for the sake of democracy will not recognize my democratic right of speaking my point of view! How ironic is that?

While we are on this subject, there were various road blocks around petaling jaya today. It took me 30 minutes to travel from section 11 to my house in section 7 because there were diversions everywhere. What a waste of time. It honestly felt as if suddenly I was in a police state, and I had stayed out past curfew time, and now I couldn’t go home. When did this happen??

So for all those who support street protests in the name of freedom and democracy, did you ever stop to think about my rights and my freedom to travel freely on the streets of Malaysia? What makes you think your rights, your freedom, is greater than mine? But there is no use I tell you! There is absolutely no use talking to these so-called upholders of democracy because they, just like most people I know, are selfish creatures who only care about democracy when it suits their own ideologies, and the proof of that is that they refuse to engage in a rational debate about why this protest should not have taken place. And here I am thinking that the whole idea of democracy is allowing everyone to have a voice, no matter how much you disagreed with them.

I keep telling anyone who would care to listen, I find of late that I do not like human beings. This is one of the reasons why.

So excuse me while I go play with my girls now. Not being human beings, I know they will not annoy or irritate me. And besides, they are more rational than most people I know.

The world has turned and left me here

I really didn’t think life would be this difficult. I used to think that no matter how bad things got, it would always get better. Now I realize that when things are bad, they tend to get worse. So maybe I’m just depressed and see the glass as half empty. I never was an optimist. Life is easier when you are a pessimist. For example, if you expect it to rain on the one day you didn’t bring your umbrella and it does rain, hey! you expected it. If it doesn’t rain, there is something to be happy about. But if you think everything is going to be ok and it doesn’t turn out ok, you will become depressed. So thinking that the worst could happen may actually be a good thing.

Not that I think anything good will ever happen to me anyway. Nothing good did happen. Everything I have now I worked for. Nothing came easy. Nobody gave me a break. I am jinxed. To be forever sad. And alone. Dunno why. The world has forgotten me. I am nobody. Nobody is me. This is how I disappear.

To obey or rebel?

I was in Singapore last week to watch the Lion King musical. It was a lovely performance, the stage props and the costumes were so creative, it was really something else. I enjoyed every minute of it. After that I watched the National Day rehearsals at Marina Bay Sands, where the army, navy and air force showed off their skills. Quite extraordinary.

I have been to Singapore many times but the thing that caught my attention this time around was how the people were just so obedient. They never question anything, they just follow the rules. Even when the rules don’t make sense.

Of course, law and order is necessary to prevent chaos. But surely one must be allowed to question certain rules that curtail one’s freedom unreasonably, or prohibit one from reasonably exercising one’s rights, or rules that are downright ridiculous. But there must be a balance.

Taking to the streets must be the absolute last resort, for example if the people are fighting for independence or democracy for the nation, or are trying to overthrow a despotic or autocratic ruler. I do realize that what is important to one person may be frivolous to another. Hence, objectivity should play a role.

If people are allowed to take to the streets for anything at all, all in the name of freedom of expression or freedom of assembly, then there would be nothing to stop me, for example, from protesting in the streets against my neighbour who had deliberately killed 2 of my cows. It may not be important to you but it sure is important to me.

Objectively, one would say that my proper recourse would be to lodge a police report, or seek compensation from my neighbour in court. Objectively, no one would condone my street protest. And yet, I could argue that it is my legitimate right to protest in any manner I choose.

Personally, I feel that taking to the streets must be the last resort after all other legitimate efforts of getting the desired results have failed. If people took to the streets every time they feel aggrieved, the danger is that nobody would take them seriously after a while. It would no longer be a novelty. So while it is still a novelty, why not save it for something that is really worthwhile?

On the other hand, the enforcers of the law should not be too paranoid about street protests. Arresting people for wearing yellow? That is downright silly. It makes me believe that they have something to worry about because if everything is hunky dory, there is nothing wrong in allowing people to march on the streets since it won’t make a difference anyway.

Someone once told me, “if you see a good fight, get in it.” I’m still waiting.

Marathon 2011

I completed 10.6 km in the KL Marathon last Sunday, 26 June 2011. Unfortunately I was slower than last year. I don’t know what went wrong. I am very disappointed with myself. Most people have not been sympathetic. I don't blame them. I don't sympathize with my own dismal performance anyway.

But the good thing was, I was not in pain like I was last year. I couldn’t even walk properly last year! Not to mention, I have nice toned calves now.

So pros and cons. Slower but painless. Looking forward to the next run!

Friends? What friends?

Apart from my immediate family members, there are lesser and lesser people in this world that I care about. I can count the number of friends that I truly care for. As for the rest of my so-called friends, some of them I used to care about. Until they stopped caring about me. I don’t see why I should be the one giving all the time.

Of course, when I try telling them this, they just brush me off. They say I’m depressed, I just think no one cares about me but in fact everyone is here for me. Just because they say it, and probably believe it, doesn’t mean it is true.

Let me give you an example. When I broke up with my boyfriend of 6 years, none of my so-called friends bothered listening to my lamentations. Of course, my so-called friends will tell you otherwise. And they did listen. 3 or 4 times maybe. Then when it got repetitious, they said everything will be ok and changed the topic. Kept changing the topic, clearly indicating that they were not interested in hearing my lamentations anymore. Like I am supposed to be miraculously cured after 1 week, 1 month, whatever. I am still grieving now in fact! Not that I was lamenting all the time night and day. I do realize they have lives of their own. But they just couldn’t find the time, some little time, to comfort me. If they did, I would never have started this blog.

Another example is how when I state my opinion, I am always wrong, trying to start a fight, argumentative, the works. Well forgive me for having opinions that are contrary to popular beliefs! So much for freedom of expression.

So my question is, why should I care about them? Actually, I should treat them exactly the same way as they treat me. Be hypocritically nice to them on the surface. No more opinions. No more lamentations. From now on it is only blue skies, sweet spice and everything nice. They don’t have to know what is going on in my life as much as I don’t want to know what is going on in theirs.

I’d rather be alone. If they don’t want to take the trouble to know me, to be with me, to spend time with me, it’s their loss. So there.

Letter to my husband

Dear Husband,

As a Hindu, I believe that all marriages are made in Heaven. I believe that when I was born, God chose you especially for me, the hand that will fit the glove, the shoe that will only fit Cinderella’s feet. Divorces are as a result of people choosing the wrong spouse, the spouse that was not chosen by God. Call me a hopeless romantic.

I once asked a retired teacher why she never married. I never forgot her answer. She said: “They say marriages are made in Heaven; God must have forgotten about me.”

Did God forget about me too? I don’t think so. I believe everything happens for a reason. God makes no mistakes.

So I believe you are out there somewhere. I just haven’t found you yet. Perhaps I never will. If we can’t be together in this lifetime, perhaps I will finally find you in my next life.

Till then, love always,

Your Wife

Today I am irritated

Today I am irritated because:

(i)                  The phone kept on ringing when I had so much work to finish

(ii)                People can’t stop talking; conversations are meant to be 2 ways; I don’t understand what is so difficult about listening for a change instead of talking talking talking without a pause a comma or a full stop

(iii)             People telling me to call them if I need anything but when I do need something they are never there; stop being hypocrites, if you cannot be there for me don’t tell me to call you if I need anything

(iv)              People asking me for my opinion when they have really already made up their minds; stop wasting my time if you are not going to listen to me anyway

(v)                People keep repeating themselves over and over again as if I am a fool who cannot understand what they are saying

(vi)              People who have no musical foundation criticize my knowledge and taste of music and my singing abilities (I will take criticism from Axl Rose but not from someone who is tone deaf)

(vii)             People put unwanted songs into my iPod

(viii)           People keep interrupting my conversations

(ix)              People do not know how to drive

(x)                People have no civic consciousness and good manners

(xi)              People just won’t leave me alone

Boy, did I get up on the wrong side of the bed today. Dare I hope that tomorrow will be a better day?

To be condemned unheard

“We do not seek revenge, we seek justice”. I have heard this phrase many times, usually said by the family of victims justifying the punishment meted out on the perpetrator.

Even when the perpetrator is an animal. A human murderer has several defences available to him to justify his murderous actions. Animals cannot speak out for themselves. They cannot defend themselves. And in spite of that, or because of that, we see it fit to kill the animal which has killed. To condemn it without the benefit of doubt, without being heard, without any mitigating circumstances.

Is this really justice?  Let’s not kid ourselves. There is no need to be hypocritical. It is not justice that they seek. It is revenge. The difference here is that animals are incapable of vengeance.

So who are the real animals in this equation?

This is what I am feeling now

I am in a deep, dark place. Usually I come out of it. But this time I think I am trapped.

Nobody knows. Nobody understands. Everyone thinks I am doing ok. Sometimes even I think I am doing ok. And then it just hits me. The feeling is unbearable. Like I have no other choice. I have to end it now. I have to end the pain, the misery, the agony now before it gets worse.

It is getting harder and harder to resist the temptation. Nothing seems to work. Reading, watching movies, meditating, running, badminton, nothing works. I feel useless. Hopeless.

I am just wasting the limited amount of oxygen in the atmosphere. Nobody will mourn for me. Nobody will miss me. My life has no purpose. I will be doing the world a favour by getting out of it.

Women are their own worst enemies

I took a gender course in university. I remember my lecturer telling us that women are as much to be blamed as men for the systematic oppression of women. I found it hard to believe at first. But if you think about it and observe the society we live in, there is truth in this.

At home, girls are expected to help with household chores, on top of finishing their school homework and getting good grades. Boys are not burdened with household chores. All they had to do was concentrate on their studies, play, eat, do whatever they wanted.

And then there is the silly colour division, pink for girls, blue for boys. What is that about? Toy soldiers for boys, dolls for girls. Subtle and yet it shapes the thinking of these young boys and girls who unwittingly learn their places in society, and carry these subtle inferences with them to their adult life. More often than not, mothers are to be blamed for this state of affairs. Sure, they may be doing it subconsciously, but it is real.

I remember when I left home for university, my mother told me to always behave myself and look after my father’s good name. Translation : do not be a slut. My brothers were never told the same thing. Translation : no matter what you do, you will never do wrong in my eyes.

 As if all of this is not enough, we are now expected to be obedient wives. Instead of empowering women, instead of breaking the cycle of oppression, the independence, dignity and individuality of women are suppressed further on a national level. By women themselves!

I treat my dogs with more respect than these women are treating themselves.

Wise words

Here are some wise words from Mother Theresa:

“People are often unreasonable, illogical and self-centred; forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of being selfish or having ulterior motives; be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and true enemies; succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you; be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight; build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous; be happy anyway.

The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow; do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough; give the world the best you’ve got anyway.

You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God; it was never between you and them anyway.”

Easier said than done. Doing the right thing is never easy. But I’ll try anyway.

Traffic woes

It’s about time that Malaysian traffic and road rules be changed to reflect the changing times.

For starters, traffic lights may be done away with. Nobody bothers following traffic rules any more. I for one always get horned at for stopping or slowing down when the traffic light turns orange. Sometimes when the road in front of me is jammed, I stop even though the traffic light is green because I do not want to be caught in the middle of the road, blocking traffic from other directions, should the light suddenly turn red. But I get horned at for my good intentions.

Secondly, our roads may be expanded to include pavements. Motorcyclists use pavements where pedestrians walk, as if the pavements were roads. And they actually have the cheek to horn at you to get out of their way!

One-way roads may be abolished. Motorcyclists always travel in the opposite direction on a one-way road. It is a phenomena that is becoming more and more common so that on a one-way street, I don't just have to look one way before I cross the road, I have to actually look both ways before crossing the road.

Indication lights on vehicles may likewise be abolished. Many drivers expect to immediately turn into another lane almost at the same time as their indication light is turned on. I always thought that the purpose of indication lights was to warn other road users in advance as to the direction a person wishes to go. A lot of drivers also weave in an out of traffic without any indication at all. When I do use my indication lights, nobody bothers giving way to me and I have to end up forcing my way in.

Road markers may also be abolished. Many drivers love to cut into other lanes, especially when taking corners. This is especially common among bus and taxi drivers. Our roads are big enough to accommodate a vehicle without the need for them to cut into other people’s lanes.

Whilst we are changing our road and traffic rules, we may also abolish the need for zebra crossings, sign boards and bridges for pedestrians to cross the roads. These are redundant.

It is time Malaysia listened to its road users and updated its road and traffic rules to take into account the latest trends in road usage.

My world

I live in an unforgiving, cruel, judgmental world. The good guys never win. I’m getting out the first chance I get. I hope I never return.

The girl who nobody loves

It still hurts when people talk about relationships or marriages. Not that I am not happy for them. I am. But it still hurts. Because it reminds me of what I do not have.

 I know it should not affect me. I have accepted the fact that I may never marry and may never have children of my own. So I shouldn’t be affected when other people talk about things like that.

But it does and I don’t know why. Maybe because deep down the eternal idealist in me still stubbornly believes that it is possible and I am still in denial that it is never going to happen.

I am holding on because I cannot bear to hurt the people I love. I wish for death but it evades me. And knowing my luck, death will come when I am actually happy. So is it better to be alive and sad or to die when you’re happy? Either way I lose.

Let’s face it. I played the game called life and I lost.

It is up to us

It never ceases to amaze me how some people can be so callous. A colleague told me that he had recently consumed turtle eggs. When I said that turtles in Malaysia were endangered and we shouldn’t be eating their eggs, he said that the eggs were cooked anyway so it was too late. If everyone thought like him, it is goodbye turtles!

Supply and demand. Basic economics. If there is no demand, there will be no supply. So if people said no to turtle eggs, the unscrupulous sellers of these eggs would realize that they are not worth their time, effort and money, and would not supply turtle eggs.

Then he says it is no different from eating chicken eggs and if I want to be so emotional about it, I should stop eating chicken eggs. The difference is, chickens are not endangered. We have chicken farms where chickens are bred for the purpose of consumption. They are not in danger of becoming extinct.

Then he says the statistics are questionable as most of these statistics are supplied by the West. The West had killed enough animals and now that some of them face extinction, they tell us Easterners to protect and conserve to justify their guilty conscience.

I do not think that the statistics are wrong. But assuming for one moment that the statistics are wrong, SO WHAT? What is so wrong about protecting animals in the wild? So what if the West had been guilty of annihilating most of our wildlife? Do we have to follow in their footsteps? Why don’t we show them that we are better than them, that we actually care about our fellow inhabitants of this world?

The hands that are killing the animal kingdom are the very hands that can save and protect them. Whose side are you on?

So long as it is mainstream

A friend commented that our censorship board need not be overzealous in censoring movies and books, because our mainstream media, particularly the newspapers, publish pornographic material almost on a daily basis.

What with one sex scandal after another, it seems to me that we have become obsessed with sex. I would think twice about letting children read the newspapers these days. Perhaps our mainstream media should also come with ratings or warnings – 18SX, 18PG etc

Suicide

The National Suicide Registry of Malaysia (NSRM) (I didn't even know such a registry existed in Malaysia!) reported that from 2007-2009, there were 731 reported suicides. The suicide rate has been steadily increasing every year -  113 in 2007, 290 in 2008, and 328 in 2009.

NSRM also reported that more men than women had taken their own lives by a ratio of 3:1. The reasons cited include romantic break-ups, financial troubles, being jobless, failing academically, loss of a loved one, history of suicides in the family, substance abuse and mental ailments.

I find this alarming. It is time Malaysia emulates other countries in providing comprehensive mental health care facilities that is accessible to everyone, young or old, rich or poor.

Mental anguish is a silent killer. Unlike physical illnesses, one will never know whether another person is suffering from any form of mental illness, at least those illnesses that have no outward symptoms. In fact, I have read that people suffering from depression can carry on with their normal daily lives when they are in the presence of others, even laughing and seeming to be happy.

On my part, I think I will try harder to make the time to listen to anyone who has a problem, no matter how trivial or frivolous I may think the problem is. What is trivial or frivolous to me may mean life or death to the person with the problem.

Sometimes all one sees is a dead end. One is unable to see the choices available to one. And so the only way to end the suffering, to escape the nightmare, to obliterate the pain, is to end the beginning. Where it all started. And the beginning is, unfortunately, life.

Car crash

I am alive but I am not present.

Does that make any sense? I crashed Jupiter on Wednesday, 13th April 2011. In my own house! All those times I drove home slightly tipsy, and not a single untoward incident.

And there I was, bright and early in the morning, completely sober, about to drive to work and I crashed Jupiter along the wall of my house. What was I thinking? Where was I?

No more nuke! (Part 2)

“We may as well close Gebeng.” – Pahang Menteri Besar Datuk Seri Adnan Yaakob, quoted in The Star, 15^th April 2010

The Pahang Menteri Besar (“PMB”), in supporting the building of the rare earth refinery by Lynas Corp, was quoted as saying that Gebeng being the nation’s chemical and petrochemical hub, already produced some form of emission.  

Presumably, because Gebeng already produced “some form of emission”, it is alright for radioactive waste to be thrown into the mix as well. I really don’t get it. It’s like saying, “Since this river is already polluted, we may as well throw our rubbish into this river. And while we’re at it, we may as well throw Australia’s rubbish into this river. What difference does it make? The river is polluted anyway”.

Instead of calming the well founded fears of Gebeng residents by giving rational, scientific and logical answers, the PMB saw it fit to threaten the Gebeng residents. Like a child who is caught red handed.

We are now an informed society. We demand answers, especially if it concerns our safety and health. Let’s face it. The Pahang State Government sure doesn’t care about us. We have to look out for ourselves.

I have 2 questions.

(1)   If the refinery and the waste it produces is as safe as the PMB says it is, why won’t, or why can’t, Lynas Corp remove the waste back to Australia?

(2)   Can the state government guarantee that the refinery will be operated and maintained safely at all times?

I have serious doubts about (2). Like I’ve said before, our buildings are leaking, there are numerous pot holes on our roads, our bridges are falling down, etc. 1^st class infrastructure, 3^rd class maintenance. Do we really have what it takes to maintain a nuclear waste producing refinery?

If the PMB’s answer is yes, do you really expect me to believe that?

Learning how to be single again

It has been almost 7 years since I had been single. I forgot how to do many things on my own. I am trying to cope the best I can, taking it one day at a time.

I have always been indecisive. I find that I talk to myself a lot these days. Mostly about mundane things like should I buy groceries today and clean my room tomorrow, or should I clean my room today and buy groceries tomorrow. Stupid I know but I do it.

I am also so used to telling someone where I am going so that someone will always know where I am and what time I am coming back. I am so used to that that everytime I leave my house I feel as if I had missed out something.  But there is no one to tell.

Perhaps the most interesting part about being single is that I am now absolutely free to do whatever I want. If I die tomorrow, I will not be leaving behind a grieving boyfriend or husband or children. I will not be leaving anyone behind for me to feel guilty about except my girls who have been taken care of.

If I die tomorrow, I die free of any guilt, remorse or unfulfilled responsibility. I die free. And that is liberating.

The myth known as sexual harassment

What do you do when a colleague tells you, “I will help you with your problem if you give me a hug”?

Of course, the colleague could have meant it as a joke. But surely it is the feelings of the recipient of the remark that counts, and not that of the perpetrator. So even if it was said in jest, if the person on the receiving end is offended, that should be sufficient to constitute sexual harassment.

But unfortunately we do not live in a utopian world. At the end of the day, it is her word against his. No matter how good a reputation the victim has, there will always be detractors. Especially if the perpetrator also appears to have a good reputation. There will be people who do not believe in the victim’s story outright. There will be people who believe. There will also be people who are convinced that it was a mere misunderstanding and nothing more.

So what do you do? Tell the perpetrator off? Lodge an official complaint? How do you prove that the remark was in fact said? How do you prove that you were offended by the remark? How do you avoid having the scandal publicized in the office? The last thing the victim would want is to have the whole office scrutinizing her behaviour, judging her, or misjudging her.

Sadly I do not have the answers. I believe many victims, even if they are offended, shrug the incident off as a joke and move on. I believe many victims suffer in silence. Sometimes they blame themselves.

When it actually happened to a friend, I had to tell her the bitter truth i.e. that there may be unpleasant consequences in her lodging an official complaint. I was not happy telling her that. The fighter in me wanted her to lodge an official complaint and bring the perpetrator to justice. But I guess the bigger picture was to get her out of the predicament with her reputation in tact, which is why I told her what I did.

In the end, her immediate boss had a word with the perpetrator, and even he was convinced that it was all a misunderstanding. Of course the perpetrator is not going to admit that he sexually harassed a colleague!

But there you go. If even her own boss thinks it was a misunderstanding, what more the other people in the office who do not know her.

I am learning that sometimes there are just no right answers. Sometimes it is not all black or white or gray, but a multiple shade of colours in between. Sometimes you just have to believe that the colour you chose was indeed the right colour.

No more nuke!

There is something rotten in the state of Pahang.

That something is a RM700 million refinery that is being built in Gebeng by the Australian mining company Lynas Corp which will discharge radioactive wastes.

As if Bukit Merah was not a lesson learnt. As if the disaster in Fukushima was not enough. If anything, Fukushima teaches us that even an advanced country like Japan has difficulties containing nuclear leaks. What more Malaysia where new buildings have cracks, buildings and bridges collapse, potholes on public roads are never repaired, etc. And this is without natural disasters like earthquakes and tsunamis.

If the refinery was as safe as is being suggested, why can’t Australia build it on their own turf? There is enough land in Australia for such a refinery to be built.

I understand the Pahang State Government has to lure investors. But at what cost? Surely not at the expense of its own citizens!

If the Pahang State Government truly cared about the people of Pahang, they should put a stop to the rare earth plant in Gebeng. At once.

Meanwhile, well done citizens of Gebeng, Kuantan, Pahang! I do feel guilty about not joining our cause. But thanks to people like you, I know Pahang is in good hands. 

So sad

I am disappearing with each passing day. Becoming invisible. A non-entity. I am doing the bare minimum of what needs to be done in order to survive. Eat, drink, sleep, and make enough money to do all of the above.

If existing means living, maybe I have already ceased to exist. I am not living, I am surviving because I am still alive.

I just had an interesting thought - if I died on a Friday after work, nobody would realize it until the coming Monday or Tuesday when I fail to show up at work.

That is the reality no matter how loud the protests may be. Sad but true.

I am sad

In the bigger scheme of things, I believe I am a good person.

Sure, I’ve made mistakes before. I have never run away from admitting my mistakes. I always apologize for my mistakes and take full responsibility for them.

I lose my temper easily. I realize I have hurt many people by saying things I do not mean because I lost my temper. I’m still working on it. I have made considerable progress over the years.

I always analyze my own behaviour. As far as possible, I always try and put myself in other people’s shoes. I am not judgmental. I always give people the benefit of the doubt.

I am straightforward. Some people say I should be more tactful. I have difficulties with that because I genuinely think being tactful is a nicer way of being hypocritical, which is something that I do not like.

On hindsight, maybe I would have done some things differently. My detractors will probably give you a list of my worst traits. I know I am not perfect.

But all in all, I do not think I am a bad person. I believe my heart is in the right place. My conscience is clear. I am not perfect, but I am good.

So why am I sad?

The power of forgiveness

How have you hurt me? Let me count the ways.

You lied to my face. You stole from me. You cheated me. You betrayed my trust. You made me feel as if everything was my fault. You made me beg for what is rightfully mine. You made me wait in anguish and in despair wondering if you would ever return it back to me. Then you made me feel bad when I asked you to return what was rightfully mine. You made me feel as if you were doing me a favour by returning what was mine in the first place. You were mean, nasty and downright cruel to me. Your words hurt me.

I must admit I was extremely angry and upset with you. To be honest, I wanted to exact revenge on you and I thought of many, many ways of hurting you, of humiliating you, of bringing you down.

But I did not. I held it all back. Because my priority was to get back what you had taken from me. That was more important to me. So I let my anger, my pride, my ego, my thirst for revenge, to take a back seat until you returned it all to me.

And in waiting, in being patient, I have actually cooled down. I am no longer angry with or at you. I no longer harbour any vindictive intentions against you. I do not hate you. I have accepted what you have done to me, and I do not hold it against you.

I forgive you.

And just like that, all the hurt, pain, anguish and despair that I have been feeling for days, have just disappeared.

Because I forgive you, you can never hurt me again.