Lockdown Blues - Part 8

Someone once told me that there is always 3 sides to a story - your side, my side, and the truth.

This is true, of course. I can tell my side of the story, from my perspective. I can only guess what your side of the story is, but I will never really know for sure. And then there is the truth, which neither of us will ever know. 

Take for example my first real boss. I will say to this day that he was biased and didn’t appreciate me enough. I’m sure he would say that he was not biased, and I was not an easy employee. And what is the truth?

Or this friend I used to consider my friend, who I feel has let me down and is therefore no longer my friend. She would probably say I was asking for too much and she couldn’t take the pressure. And the truth?

Or this other friend who I swear asked for legal advice in the presence of other friends, and then told everyone that I announced her problem to the world. My side: she announced it herself and later regretted it, so she blamed me. Her side (probably): I made her announce it. And the truth?

I guess no one will ever know the truth, because in the end I think everyone chooses to believe their own sides of the story. Me included. Because if the truth does come out and it is not on your side, your entire reality is torn to bits and what you are left with is mere illusions that you believed was your reality.

And I guess this is true for everyone: Better to believe in an illusion that may be real, rather than a reality that may be an illusion. 

Lockdown Blues - Part 7

Today was a day of aunts. 

I have withdrawn myself from the world, and I’m happier this way. There’s a certain amount of stress associated with social media and reading the news, so I did what I should have done from the start, which is to ignore all these white noise in the background.

So here I am minding my own business, when I get 2 phone calls in the same day, from 2 different aunts of mine; one here in the city and one in my hometown. I wouldn’t consider myself particularly close to my aunts, so to receive a call from both of them in the same day is rather peculiar.

From my conversations with the both of them, it was clear to me that they had been discussing ‘my situation’ - that I am all alone here and therefore I must need help. 

I assured both my aunts that I was completely ok staying on my own; it is my inability to go outdoors that is my main cause of anxiety and stress - this problem will not be solved no matter where I stayed, be it in a house full of people or in a house on my own. 

I appreciated their concern for me. I still do. But of course I couldn’t help thinking.

This only goes to show, that even when you’re all alone away from the world and minding your own business, there will be people talking about you nevertheless. It may be with good intentions, but it’s still talking about you.

And this, in a nutshell, is my problem with human beings in general. No matter what you do, even if you do absolutely nothing and stay away from all forms of civilisation, people will still inevitably talk about you in your absence. I’m not sure I like it 🤔.

Lockdown Blues - Part 6

In the spirit of my new-found acceptance and calm, I picked up a book for the first time in 20 days and the first page contained this:

“It’s kind of obvious: when you hide, people seek, whereas when you talk about something that matters to you, no one listens. Ever. This is the main way in which human beings are reliable.”

How amazing it is that someone out there actually understands how I feel right now, albeit through a fictional character.

I’m tired of trying to explain myself to people who genuinely do not want to listen, or who pretend not to listen. I’m tired of always listening to others but when it’s my turn to talk, they just switch off. I always thought conversations, friendships, relationships were a 2-way street. How wrong I was, and still am! 

I forgot how wonderful it is to have a meaningful conversation with myself, through you, my darling blog. 

I can say what I want without being judged, or ridiculed, or suppressed. Oh blog, if only you were a real person! But perhaps it’s just as well that you’re not 🤔.

Lockdown Blues - Part 5

In the spirit of acceptance:

I accept that at my age, I will never be as slim as I used to be 20 years ago.

I accept that I will not be visiting the moon or any other planet in our solar system.

I accept that I have a weird dog that I love nonetheless.

I accept that I will not be visiting all the countries in this planet. 

I accept that I am the least favourite child of my parents. 

I accept that there will always be telemarketers who obtain my mobile number in violation of personal data laws and who will blatantly call me, lockdown or otherwise.

I accept that I live in an old house where the electricity trips when there is a lightning storm, sometimes when I’m in the middle of a shower at night.

I accept that Izzy Stradlin will never re-unite with Guns n’ Roses.

I accept that there will always be cockroaches.

I accept that I will never be a rock star, a pilot, a police detective investigating homicides, an officer in the army or an astronaut (my various childhood dreams 🙄).

I accept that I will continue to plan, hope and dream but that nothing is guaranteed.

I accept that I am incapable of being loved for who I am. 

I accept that nothing is for free and I have to work hard to get what I want, be it tangible or otherwise. 

I accept that I will continue to be annoyed, disappointed and heartbroken until the bitter end. 

I accept that I will die alone, probably in pain and penniless, with a million regrets but with the calm acceptance of my fate 🙄. 

Lockdown Blues - Part 4

I’m beginning to understand that acceptance is the key to my existence. For the first 14 days of the lockdown, I was really on edge because I really felt my freedom being curtailed, my wings being clipped. The one thing that has always enchanted my free spirit, my joy, my zeal, my soul is the great outdoors, and now it is taken away from me. And this denial of reality, this rage that was building up inside of me didn’t allow me to do the other things that I loved to do - watch some nice series or read a good book. 

And then I gave up in utter despair. Whether I liked it or not, I am trapped where I am with myself and my dog. After 3 days of inactivity, I learned to accept this entire situation, as difficult and as appalling as it is. 

With acceptance came the calmness that I had before the lockdown. I can now once again do the things that I enjoy. My mind is not as restless as it used to be. But I think I have accepted not only this phase in my life but everything that will ever happen in the future. Good or bad, I will accept.

I like to think that I am the hero in my own story. I now accept that my story is a really boring one. All adventure scenes are created and paid for by myself. The majority of my story is made up of mundane trivialities that make no sense most of the time. But so be it. 

I accept that my story will mean nothing in the end. But it’s still my story and it means everything to me. At least, it should 😅.

Lockdown Blues - Part 3

All I did these past 2 days is lie in bed, watch tv and cry. I really feel trapped and overwhelmed. I have lost all mood to do anything else. 

I can’t read a book because my mind is too distraught and then I find I do not know what I’m reading. I can’t play guitar because I am not feeling very inspired. I can’t do indoor exercises because I’m bored of seeing the same surroundings. I can’t bring myself to play with P.U.P. because I don’t want her to see me sad. I can’t communicate with people because nothing is happening and all conversations are about this damn virus which I’m also bored of. 

So I watch tv to soothe my distraught brain but the cruel thoughts keep intruding. Why am I even here? So unloved, so unwanted. It doesn’t make a difference if I lived or died. Not one damn difference. 

Lockdown Blues - Part 2

The thing that disappoints me the most right now is love. 

I have my parents, who, to be brutally honest, have to love me for no other reason than I’m their daughter. I have my childhood friends, and some fairly recent friends, and these are all the people in the world who give a damn about me.

They tell you that it is important and rewarding to build friendships and relationships.  For as long as I’ve been in the city, I’ve tried to do just that. I thought some friendships that I had fostered over the years were pretty special, but as it turns out, they weren’t at all special. Well, at least not to the other parties. And now when I look back on my life, it’s like 15 years of my life never happened at all. The people who were in it during that time, some for as long as 10 years, are all gone with the wind.

To be honest I’ve suspected this for some time, but now during this lockdown when everyone has nothing better to do, I was hoping some of them would ask me how I’m coping, since I am the one without a job and without a family.

So much for hope. I’ve lived alone for the past 10 years and I can do it till the day I die. The lesson that I will take away from this bloody lockdown is that 1) you can only ever rely on yourself alone, 2) most friendships and relationships are not as important as you may think they are.

So as I sit here and contemplate life for the umpteenth time, I vow never to put in effort into another friendship or relationship again. After all, when no one is around at the worst of times, why would I need anyone in the best of times?

Lockdown Blues - Part 1

I came back from Africa feeling so refreshed and energised. I was ready to take on the world, learn new things, join the workforce, make some more money, and go on my next adventure again!

That was about 2 months ago. Things were going really great too with job opportunities and my oral exam around the corner. I came back from a lovely trip in my hometown with my parents to prepare for my oral exam, and then the country went into lockdown.

Suddenly everything was put on hold. No job, no exam, no travelling, no going back to the comfort of my parents’ home, no running, no going out. It was a nightmare. It still is.

I took about a year off to do my thing, which I was doing wholeheartedly and with great enthusiasm. It was something that I mentally prepared myself for. 

This lockdown, however, is something I am not mentally prepared for. First of all, there is always the financial worry because I am using up my savings for everyday expenses, something I would rather not do. Then there is the restriction on outdoor activities like jogging in the park or going to the gym or taking my dog out for a walk or just having a drink at a coffee shop. 

I feel as if I’m in prison, but I am also angry because I have done nothing wrong in order to be locked up like this. And at a difficult time like this, I really don’t need people preaching to me about how many people are dying in Italy and Spain. There is always going to be people worse off than me; there is always going to be people better off than me. Comparing others to my situation is really not helping me in any way. In fact, it makes it worse because it makes me feel that I should be feeling sorry for others; I have so much to be thankful for etc when I already feel miserable as it is.

I tried. I really did. Daily indoor exercises, getting in touch with my guitar again, keeping up with the latest news etc. 

At day 14 it all started going downhill. I don’t see an end in sight and all my plans are not happening and I’m stuck here all alone with my damaged mind. A recipe for disaster.

I’m in hibernation mode right now. The world wants me to stay indoors and do nothing, so indoors I shall stay and do nothing. When the world wakes up again, all I can do is hope I have the mental strength to wake with it.