I did it. I read the damn newspaper. This small act, I am sure, will open the floodgates into the reality that I have been avoiding. Already I feel myself changing. Regressing is the better word. Regressing into my former self, the self that I did not particularly like. It is only a matter of time before the layers of fantasy / protection that I have constructed for myself is slowly peeled away, layer by layer, until I become one of them again. One of you.
When I travelled alone I had no one else to depend on but myself. I made my own decisions without consulting anyone, and no matter how I reacted to a situation, I didn't have anyone analyzing my actions and telling me, whether I solicited their opinion or not, that what I did was right or wrong. And later when I narrated my experiences to various people, I was telling them a story, not asking them for support or affirmation of my actions. I had the conviction that my actions, right or wrong, were necessary for my survival at that point in time. I was my only critic. I was my only judge.
My new found confidence in myself would crumble away piece by piece like a house of cards, very soon. It is inevitable. And here's why. I will go out into society again. I will have to face human beings. And human beings will insist on giving me unsolicited advice as to whether my actions are wrong or right. And because I am no longer alone but in society, I will inevitably listen to these nefarious whispers, and start to question my actions, and thus will begin again the saga of self-doubt, self-criticism and self-loathing.
It is easy to tell myself to ignore what others say. Just like it is easy to put into practice the teachings of Buddha when you are deep in the heart of the Himalayan forests. But try doing that in the real world. Try ignoring 90% of what people tell you, everyday, for the rest of your life (this is my own calculation based on my experience; only 10% of what people say to me are genuinely helpful; the rest are all rubbish, gossip, unsolicited advice and opinions, junk, frivolity). It is an impossible task. When I enter society again, society will be my critic, my judge, my jury, my executioner, whether I like it or not.
I'd like to kick the person who said no man is an island. Every man should be an island. The world would be a better place.
... if only 10% of what people say is helpful to you... the reverse of which, 10% of what you say would be helpful to others...
ReplyDeleteIf you so dislike unsolicited advice, opinions, gossip etc, can you truly say that you have never done the same to others?...
Yes. I don't go around giving unsolicited advice. Only when it is asked. Sometimes people forget they that asked me for my opinion, especially when they do not like what I have to say.
ReplyDeleteWhen you are with your friends and they tell you something, more often than not they are expecting some sort of response from you. It may not be a direct question. And then there is discussion about the weather, the state of the world, global warming, elephants dying etc all of which I am guilty of participating in. But what is the alternative? Be a hermit? It is impossible because unfortunately I have to earn a living which means, inevitably, coming face to face with human beings.
ReplyDeleteOh and by the way, your unsolicited advice warranted a reply on my part, and thus begins the endless circle of cause and effect. Give the island a try! It may be good for you. I know it will be good for me.
... mine was merely an observation cum statement... followed by a question... not advice, never unsolicited or otherwise...
ReplyDelete"I think I shall start by ignoring a lot of things. Ignore what people tell me. Laugh it off. Keep my head down. Don't unnecessarily talk to people."
ReplyDeleteYup. I should start with you.
ReplyDelete