My life - Part 48

I figured out what the problem is. The underlying problem that is the cause of my depression. 

I don't have to finish my life story now, although I must say writing down bits and pieces of my life did help me find the root cause of my problem. 

It is difficult for me to try and explain the problem in words. But I shall try. 

The last time I felt dread like this was when I graduated from university and was about to step into the working world. I felt a sense of foreboding; as if I was walking away from my last sanctuary of goodness into the world of evil. All this while I thought I was just lazy, that I just liked to do nothing except read story books and relax and ponder about life as it was, as it is and as it should be. 

But I am not lazy. Far from it. I can be successful in anything I set my mind to. Had work does not scare me. It is not work that depresses me, it is the people around me. And I don't mean any specific person that I work with, but people in general. When you work in any organization, you are expected to behave in a certain way. For example, to attend social functions where you are forced to mingle with people you do not like, because it is the tactful thing to do. And if you are not nice or you show your dislike for anyone, you are told that you are a difficult person and why is it so hard for you to be nice?

Many, many expectations. You can't really be yourself. Oh, you try and swim against the current but after a while you think it must be easier to just go with the flow and yes, it is easier but in swimming with the current you lose a bit of yourself and then, over the years, when you've swam an entire ocean, you realize you don't even recognize yourself anymore. You have become someone else, someone you do not like, and who is this person??

So I said when I travel I am a totally different person. That is because I get to be the real me, without any pretensions and masks and being nice for the sake of being nice. I talk to who I want when I want. I don't talk to people I don't like. And because I have that freedom, I am my true self and I am happy. When I was travelling and I was this person who was so very unlike the everyday me, I thought I was someone else and that I was happier being someone else. Now I know that is not true. I am happy being my true self. And I can only be my true self when I am given the absolute freedom to do that. The freedom which I don't have when I am bound by the shackles of society.

This person that I really am, the simple minded, care free girl that was for almost 10 years lurking in a dark corner of my soul full of dust and spider webs, I dusted off and unleashed again. And this person is one to be loved. I mean, I can really fall in love with this person. There is just so many things about this person that is lovable, and it's such a loss that I never saw any of it before. 

So now I feel the same dread because after re-discovering my true self, I have to go into society again and I am so afraid that I will become the person that I do not like. The person who conformed to the rules and in doing so, became someone else. 

Free spirited people should never be put in cages. And just because the cage is made of gold and looks beautiful, doesn't detract from the fact that it's still a cage. It's still stifling my freedom, my creativity, my happiness. Free spirited people should just be let loose to do whatever they want.