When I as 16 I met Reuben, my best friend No. 2. No. 2 because he can never take the place of Shion, my best friend No. 1. Some people are just meant for each other, like Shion and I. When I met Shion in Universiti Malaya, we instantly clicked, and then I found out that he was from Mentakab, another town in Pahang like me, and he is 2 days older than me. What are the odds. I always tell him that I would've married him a long time ago if he wasn't gay, and we can be happy and depressed together. At one point when I was depressed and most people were telling me to seek professional help, I actually contemplated this and I asked Shion and his response was, "we will be each other's professional help". Friendships, even relationships, can't get any better than this.
Anyway, 16 was the age when I started interacting with boys, mainly through school club functions. I was in an all girls school from the age of 7, and was therefore not used to mixing with boys. Immediately it became clear that some girls were 'popular' because they kept getting silly love letters and flowers and gifts from many boys. I received nothing. Well that's not exactly true. I think my best friend No. 2 had a crush on me back then (I can't be sure) and he gave me little things like teddy bears and stuff. Unfortunately I had my sights somewhere else. This is truly the story of my life. The people I am attracted to will never be attracted to me, and vice versa.
I remember talking to my friend Shamala's boss once, and it came out that I was feeling unloved because I am still single and it's really hard for me to find someone nice etc and she told me my problem was that I want to be loved by someone I love. It is not that no man loves me, I am looking for a particular man to love and be loved. This is true. I think there is no point getting married to someone I am not crazy about and similarly, he should be crazy about me too. The problem is, my heart refuses to believe that in this world of 6 billion people, there is not one man that fits that bill, just for me. This is what depresses me. Am I really destined to spend the rest of my life alone and if so, how meaningful really is that life, because your family can only do so much, with whom will I share my stories, my experiences, my life with? I have so much to share but no one to share it with.
Reuben is married now, and on his wedding day I wondered whether all those years ago I should've reciprocated his affections for me. But these things cannot be forced. It's either you love someone or you don't. It's either you're attracted to someone or you're not. I love Rueben as a friend, and nothing more. It's just the way it is, and always will be. So no regrets at all, and I have nothing but best wishes for him.
Anyway, 16 was the age when I started interacting with boys, mainly through school club functions. I was in an all girls school from the age of 7, and was therefore not used to mixing with boys. Immediately it became clear that some girls were 'popular' because they kept getting silly love letters and flowers and gifts from many boys. I received nothing. Well that's not exactly true. I think my best friend No. 2 had a crush on me back then (I can't be sure) and he gave me little things like teddy bears and stuff. Unfortunately I had my sights somewhere else. This is truly the story of my life. The people I am attracted to will never be attracted to me, and vice versa.
I remember talking to my friend Shamala's boss once, and it came out that I was feeling unloved because I am still single and it's really hard for me to find someone nice etc and she told me my problem was that I want to be loved by someone I love. It is not that no man loves me, I am looking for a particular man to love and be loved. This is true. I think there is no point getting married to someone I am not crazy about and similarly, he should be crazy about me too. The problem is, my heart refuses to believe that in this world of 6 billion people, there is not one man that fits that bill, just for me. This is what depresses me. Am I really destined to spend the rest of my life alone and if so, how meaningful really is that life, because your family can only do so much, with whom will I share my stories, my experiences, my life with? I have so much to share but no one to share it with.
Reuben is married now, and on his wedding day I wondered whether all those years ago I should've reciprocated his affections for me. But these things cannot be forced. It's either you love someone or you don't. It's either you're attracted to someone or you're not. I love Rueben as a friend, and nothing more. It's just the way it is, and always will be. So no regrets at all, and I have nothing but best wishes for him.
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