Shiny happy people

I now know 2 people who are just sunshine, blue skies, sugar, spice and everything nice, happy happy joy joy people. 

It's just impossible to be sad around them. It's not that nothing bad ever happens to them, they also go through the hardships of life that everyone goes through. But somehow they seem to have the ability to mentally block all that is bad, ugly and evil in the world and only soak up all that is good, beautiful and right in the world. It's an endearing quality. They exuberate the kind of positive, happy energy that is contagious and heart warming. 

I wonder how they do it. I can't stop all the bad that happens around me. But what I can do is try and block or ignore it so that it doesn't affect me negatively. I have no idea how to do this.

Blasts from the past

Recently I have been contacted by people fom the past that I used to know  - a primary school friend, friends from university, friends from my chambering days. The way I look at it, if someone was important enough to stay in my life and vice versa, we would've stayed in touch even after going our separate ways. And for those who I did not keep in touch with and vice versa, it just means that for whatever reason, they were not important enough for me, just as I was not important enough for them. This is despite the fact that for the period when our paths crossed we may have had fun, exciting and good times. I think saying goodbye is just a part of life.

So I don't understand this need to suddenly get together and meet up after years of absence. The problem with that is that they may not be the same people they were, and because we were not in touch in the interceding years, we did not have the opportunity of watching each other grow as individuals. This, I think, can be pretty awkward. 

What I'm trying to say is that there are times when one forms alliances and bonds with other human beings, and then the circumstance warrants that we go our separate ways so that what we once shared will remain only as memories and nothing more. 

I, for one, being anti-social and a Lone Ranger, would like to keep it that way.

When there are no explanations

I remember a particularly upsetting period in my career when I had to deal with a particularly difficult personality. 'Difficult' is actually an understatement. 

I used to get all upset and flustered and spent many days and nights wondering why anyone, particularly this man ("Mr. L") would behave the way he did. Short of labelling someone mad (in which case that is all the explanation I need) my brain likes to rationalise situations so that it can understand the actions and decisions that some people make. But I could find no explanation for Mr L's actions, so Mr. L continued to plague my thougths.

And I remember one of my then colleagues telling me that sometimes there are just no explanations. Sometimes people just do strange, mean or hateful things for no reason at all. She said that life would be much easier and simpler if I didn't always try to understand other people's actions.

She was right, of course. But as usual, I couldn't let it go. I used to hate Mr. L with a vengeance, and it took me a long time before I could finally forgive him and set my mind at peace.

It was perhaps a year or so later that I found out that Mr. L did not only target me but he targeted others as well. I now honestly believe that Mr. L is mentally unhinged, unbalanced, unstable, walking on the border of sanity and insanity. So I had my explanation in the end. And all that time I spent wondering why why why, were all wasted.

I just have to accept the fact that there are some weird, mentally deranged people out there in this world pretending to be normal. I'm sure Mr. L is not the only one.

In fact, I know that one like person is reading my blog right now.

Spanner in the works

Most doctors I know (including my brother) will say that depression, whilst caused by various factors, results in chemical imbalance in the brain so that it can be cured by medication.

Personally I think depression is a state of mind - if you do not deal with the root cause of what is making you sad, even if you are not sure of what it is that is making you sad, no amount of medication will be able to help you.

I'm no expert of course, but having been on the fringes of mortality at my own hands and coming out of it in one piece, I think one has to start with oneself. Learning to love and appreciate yourself above all others is the best medicine you can give yourself.

So this year, my New Year's resolution is to love myself. I want to stay focused on my long term plans, I want to spend more time with my girls and with my family, and above all, I want to spend more time with myself. This year I want to love only myself. I want to give myself more time for my heart to recover, for my wounds to heal, for my mind to be rid of any negative thoughts about myself. There are still some lingering remnants and I want to be completely free of them by the end of the year.

But of course, life always has other plans. I think I'm in love. With someone other than myself. Oh, dear. 

Anything else?

As of March 2015, I have:

1.   a CPU that had crashed

2.   a car battery that died

3.   a bed that broke

4.   a fridge that broke down

I'm still trying to be optimistic here, but I can't help but wonder - what next??

What a colleague said

A colleague asked me the other day what kind of guys I am attracted to. I said I am attracted to guys who are fit but not overly so, and who look bad ass, tattoos, piercings, the meaner the better. She then asked why. I said that guys like that give me the impression that everyday will be a surprise or an adventure, and that they are rebels who never follow the rules, and therefore life will never be boring if I went out with someone like that.

And she said that it may be that the reason why I am attracted to men like that is because there is probably a part of me that is adventurous and rebellious but not courageous enough to show to the world. I thought about it and agreed; although I do believe I'm courageous enough but the circumstance is never right - I can't dress like a rock star to work, can I? 

And she asked me wouldn't it be better if I did all those impulsive, adventurous, rebellious, naughty stuff myself - and if I did that, then I open up my mind to the possibility of being attracted to more types of guys?

She maybe has a point. 

Blessing in disguise

I've always wanted to be a boy. I've said this a million times to my father, who always tells me that he, for one, is very thankful that I turned out to be a girl. When I asked him why, he said if I had been a boy, I'd probably be in jail by now. 

The scary part is, I think he's right. Yesterday as I was driving to work, I passed by this stretch of road that was under construction, with the result that there were re-drawn lines on the road so that I wasn't very sure which exact lane I should be on. Let's assume for purposes of this story that I was on the wrong lane. There was a guy with a family in the car who honked furiously at me and as he overtook me he showed me his middle finger very aggressively and for a split second I just saw red.

The only thing that stopped me from over reacting was the fact that if I got into a physical fight with this moron I would lose because I do not have any weapons with me, I do not have any kind of fighting skills, and yes, because I am a woman and therefore physically weaker than a man. Had I been a man, however, I would probably have over the years sufficiently equipped myself so that the man who showed me the finger would have lost it for good. Or more.

This is just one of many, many times that I saw red for a split second - enough to hurt, maim, kill, demolish, destroy. But I never acted on it. Because I am fully aware of my physical limitations.

So I guess my father was right. It's a good thing I turned out to be a girl.

Lost love

I know I am imperfect and so is he. I know that together, we make a formidable team. A team that works. A team that can take on the world and still have energy left to laugh about it over beers. Together, we are a perfect team. I suspect that he knows it too.

But he says he doesn't love me anymore. 

What do I do? What can I do?