No title

Someone told me last Friday that there is no purpose in life. That life just is. We have to make the best out of it, take one day at a time, make life interesting or worth living, and then you die.

I always thought that everything happens for a reason. Which means that I was born for a reason. But maybe that's not true at all. Maybe there is no purpose in life. Maybe I'm just here to fill some quota before the next big thing happens, whatever that may be.

If that is true, it is a sad world indeed and I really don't know what I'm doing here. If I was really courageous, if I had any ounce of dignity (knowing that I'm nothing) I would end it here and now.

But alas, I am not. I will wait patiently for my time. Until my designated departure time or sooner if this bloody life will permit me.

Sometimes thinking is no good

An idle mind is really the devil's workshop. But I can't help it, I think all the time. From the moment I'm awake till the minute I fall asleep, if I have nothing to do, I think. About everything and nothing. It's quite bad because I can be thinking even when I'm having a conversation with someone, or while driving, or while exercising.

And I also can't help it that I'm so negative. I tried to be positive about life in general but there's nothing positive to think about. I can't change the world. I can't do what I really want to do, because I've all these responsibilities and obligations.

I tried to keep myself busy so that I won't have to think, but like I said, I can think even when I'm doing other things. And I think negative thoughts all the time. Self destructive thoughts like what can I do to torture myself today. Every time I'm sad I go into this self destructive phase and this time I'm trying really hard not to go down that path but it's so so difficult, when all I think about is that.

And then there are temptations everywhere. Oscar Wilde said, the only way to fight temptation is to yield to it. I agree. But what if it destroys me? Ok let's not be over dramatic. It will not destroy me, I'll still live, but it will destroy my self esteem because it's really not me, it's not who I am.

But then again, I don't have much of a self esteem to begin with.

See what I mean? I have to stop thinking!

Question

"...They say that the world was built for two
Only worth living if somebody
Is loving you..."

Lana Del Rey, Video Games

So what happens if no one loves you?

How do you forgive yourself?

I don't know which is worse, letting myself down or letting my parents down.

Some 3, maybe 4 years ago, my mother bought me a set of dishes, pots and pans to be brought into my new house when I started my new life as someone's wife. My mother also took a jade stone belonging to my grandmother and set it into a necklace to be worn with my wedding saree on my wedding day.

That was when she thought I was going to get married. That was when I thought I was going to get married. Now I will never use those two things my mother got for me,  acquired out of nothing but love for her only daughter.

I have broken her heart. I will never be able to forgive myself for that.

Letter to God

Dear God,

I have always believed in you. Well, except for the time when I questioned what was taught to me as a matter of course and duty, and started on a quest to try and determine what I believed and what I didn't. During that period I lost you temporarily but when I found you again I never looked back since.

I believe you do everything for a reason. There are times I never understood why something happened or why something didn't happen, perhaps I never will. But I've always believed that you had your reasons, and it had to be all good in the end.

There have been times when I lost my path and descended upon dangerous and destructive roads,  but in the end it was you who always pulled me out of the darkness and set me on the right path again. In your mysterious and cryptic ways you have always given me your hand to hold, even when I ignored you, even when I didn't ask for your help.

So what I don't understand is, why you are ignoring me this time around. Is it that you think I'm no longer worth your time? Someone once told me that you will never give me a challenge that I will not be able to handle. I am now faced with a challenge that I cannot handle. For the first time in my life, I do not know what to do. I've always been a fixer, if there's a problem I fix it. But now I have a problem that I cannot fix and I do not know what to do.

You may think that I'm strong, but underneath it all I'm just a girl. A human being, a mere mortal. I have limits. I have dreams. Just like everyone else.

I've asked you for help, something which I rarely do because I like doing most things on my own and I really don't want to trouble you when you have the weight of the universe on your shoulders. But I really cannot handle this on my own.

Now when I need you the most, you have left me. Or maybe you're still there but I cannot see or hear you. I'm losing the plot. I need you to tell me that there's a reason for my existence in this world. You're the only one who can tell me that. You're the only one who can cure me. You're the only one who can heal me. You're the only one who can save me.

And yet, all I hear is silence.

Is that my answer?

Love always,
Sheila

When a dream is not a dream

It's almost as if you're living in a dream or a parallel universe. It doesn't seem real, you perform your normal role and functions but it's as if you're on the outside looking at your normal self. And you tell yourself that the dream is not real, that the person outside the normalcy is the real you, and the real you is trapped somewhere while your doppelganger has assumed your identity and is pretending to be the real you.

At some level you know all of this is not true, that the person living your life is the real you, and the person outside looking in is not real, perhaps your subconscious or your imagination.

Confusing? Welcome to my world.

The end

This is the end as I know it. I've finally fallen into an abyss so deep no one can help me out this time around. I don't think even I can get out of this one this time. Or maybe I don't want to. I've become so accustomed to deep dark desolate places that I feel quite at home here actually.

I've tried. I really have. I've tried to live like a normal person in the real world. I tried to have friends, to socialize, to have hobbies, to do normal things. None of these give me any satisfaction anymore, none of these make me happy anymore.

Over the years I've dug an abyss where I can retreat to whenever the world is cruel to me, or whenever I feel I am not good enough for the world, which is almost everyday. I didn't realize every time I hid in my own little abyss, it kept getting deeper and deeper.

And now it's so deep that no one can ever find me. No one ever will. I will make sure of that. I will hide here in the comfort and familiarity of my own deep dark secret world and watch patiently as the world goes by, until the end.

Decisions, decisions

I have made a decision that will change the course of my life forever. It is devastating but at the same time, strangely liberating. I have decided to let go the burden that I was carrying around for so long and now I feel lighter, but because that burden was carried for so long it became a part of me and it's always difficult to say goodbye to familiarity. This is just like the Bhagavad Gita except Krishnan was giving things up to achieve a higher purpose, I'm giving up for purely personal, perhaps selfish,  reasons.

When the world gives you no reason to live, you have to do whatever it takes to make life tolerable until you die. And that's what I did, for better or for worse.  Perhaps it's selfish, but I call it self-preservation.

Question

Life has never been good to me. Today I find myself asking a question that has been asked by many without a satisfactory answer - why do bad things happen to good people?

All in all I think I'm a good person, within the boundaries of human limitations of course. Never mind the stupid things I did when I was young, it was done in the heat of the moment without much thought of the repercussions, whether in this life or the next. Compared to the evil that is taking place in the world today, my minor transgressions are next to nothing. If anything, I did more harm to myself than to anyone else.

So what I don't understand is, why is life so bad to me? Everyone deserves happiness, but that is the one thing that has eluded me all my life. And if I cannot be happy, what's to stop me from doing bad things now? Things that I strive so hard to avoid, deluding myself that there must be a reason for being good, when nothing good ever happens?

If there is a God, and if he's reading this on His break from saving the world, YOU WIN! I give up! Go save some bad person because obviously he's worth saving and I'm not.

My life

Imagine a place so dark you can't see anything. Not an iota of light. You don't know whether to stay where you are or take a step in any direction, because you don't know what's out there. You could be standing at the edge of a cliff and your next step could be your last. The problem is you can't see anything. So you just stand where you are, in the deafening silence, in the blinding darkness, waiting. Forever waiting. You don't know when this will end. So you just wait. It's all you can do. Imagine yourself just waiting at the same place, all alone, in the dark, in silence, for decades.

This is what my life is.

Today I bury a dream

Today I bury a dream.

A dream that was forged on the fringe of adolescence, when the world was a happier place. A dream that was filled with idealism, hope, aspiration, ambition, blissful ignorance, innocence, and love. Lots of love.

A dream that I now know is incapable of being fulfilled. A lost dream. A dream that was a part of me for so long that it is almost as if I’m saying goodbye to an endearing and familiar friend. A dream that was entrenched in my heart for so long that I almost cannot accept that it remains unfulfilled.

And now it will be a dream that will forever remind me of my failings because it never came true. Because I did not make it come true. The dream has died.

Today I bury a dream. It used to be my dream. And now it’s gone forever.