Betty

She knows not why she was born. She knows not her purpose in life. She knows not why she is here.

And yet she is happy. She plays. She frolics like a puppy though she is middle aged. She nibbles limes and makes a face at its sour taste. She runs. She explores. She chases almost everything that moves. She is curious, putting her nose into everything worth investigating. She guards her territory fearlessly. She fights. She gets angry. She feels. She breathes. She lives. She exists.

She is the way she is because, I suspect, she knows that she is safe, protected, taken care of. She is loved.

I should be more like her. Except. She has me to love her. I have no one.

Advice

I do not think I would have any offspring(s) in this lifetime. But if I had, my best advice to them would be, “Follow what I say, not what I do.” 

Bored

In the end, it is always up to me. I have to find my own adventures. I have to plan my own life. I have to make things happen. Of course, I could just sit and do nothing and wait for things to happen. Except that they never will. Nothing ever happens. Nothing exciting, that is. And I am not one to wait for things to happen. I’d just die of boredom. Or worse, do something out of sheer boredom that I may come to regret later.

I don’t know why it has to be like this. Some people’s lives are just full of excitement and adventure. When I look back on this past year, I actually did quite a lot. Changed jobs, went to Moscow, Jogjakarta, Jakarta, Lembah Bujang, Langkawi, Kota Kinabalu, Laos, ran 21 km for the first time, read about 70 books, submitted my application for PhD etc. But it’s not enough. I don’t know why.

I feel like I’m capable of so much more but I’m just sitting around waiting for things to happen. For once I would like something exciting to happen without me looking for it or planning for it.

Right. Back to my boring life.

Choices in the past

I read a book about a magic phone that could call back into the past. Ever the idealistic romantic, it got me thinking.

If, knowing what I know now, I could magically be transported into the past, would I make the same choices I made back then?

Specifically, if I went back to October 2004, would I still choose to be with Philip, knowing what I know now?

Yes, I would. If I had the chance to go through everything I went through with Philip for the 6 (and then some) years that we were together, I would go through it all again. Even though there was no fairy tale ending. Because I was loved. He loved me. And I loved him.

Because I will always choose him. Every time. 

The invisible one

If I thought the universe revolved around me;

If I changed my mind a thousand times,

and when things didn’t turn out the way I wanted them to,

I turned around and blamed it on you,

as if it was your idea in the first place;

If I lost my temper every time things don’t go my way;

If I threw tantrums every time I don’t get what I want;

If I took out my frustrations on you

every time I am stressed or upset;

If I ran to you for help every time I failed;

If I demanded for attention every time

I felt left out;

If I was selfish and irresponsible;

If I refused to compromise;

If I always wanted things my way;

If I disappeared and let you worry about me

because I didn’t care how you would feel;

If I bought you gifts as an apology,

instead of trying to avoid hurting you in the first place;

If I blamed you for my wrong decisions;

If I blamed you for my inadequacies;

If I blamed you because I didn’t try hard enough;

If I blamed you for my failures;

If I blamed you for my insecurities;

If I blamed you for everything bad that happens to me;

If I did all this, will you then love me like you love them?

Luang Prabang - Kuala Lumpur : Day 5

21 November 2016

Karma got me. I woke up at 5.30 a.m. with a terrible tummy ache, and when I went to the toilet there was a baby cockroach. I had no choice. I had to wake Silvia up and she killed it for me and I was having tummy ache for the rest of the morning. This developed into head ache around breakfast time. Luckily it is on the day I go back home.

We reached the airport in time. Here my sinus started. So tummy ache, head ache and sinus, all at once. This is what I get for being nasty to nasty people. According to the Buddha, I am supposed to retaliate against nasty people with nothing but love. I have learned nothing from this trip.

Ours was the first Air Asia flight ever from Luang Prabang to Kuala Lumpur. How eventful. Flight was about 2 hours 45 minutes. By the time we reached KLIA, I couldn’t wait to go home, take my sinus medication and sleep for the rest of the day till work tomorrow. But the first thing I did was to apologize to Geri for not being there for her, for not protecting her and her pups, for not caring enough. I hope she forgives me. I hope I can forgive myself.

Luang Prabang: Day 4 (Part 4)

20 November 2016

And then we were done! We said goodbye to our guide at the night market (after telling him to inform the hotel to pick us up at 9.30 lest we become stowaways again!) and went for another foot massage. Then some last minute shopping and finally, since it was our last evening in Luang Prabang, we sat at a street stall and had noodle soup. I chose the spicier one known as “Khao Suey” but it wasn’t as spicy as expected.

Then back to our convenience store for the last time for beer, chips and good conversation. At 9.30 p.m. we took the shuttle back to our hotel. Before showering, I sat outside our room on the veranda enjoying the night air, and Silvia joined me with a shot of Bekherov (Slovakian liquor without sugar, it tasted foul!) and we were just sitting and talking when this nasty creep in the room next to us stepped out and unkindly told us to keep it down as he was trying to sleep. It was 10.30 p.m.

10.30 p.m.! Creep. Already I have a bad impression of Westerners and today’s experiences merely confirmed my impression. Luckily our room doors did not close very well so I took the opportunity to loudly close the room door several times. I hope he stayed awake for the rest of the night, nasty creep.