Just let it out

God really works in mysterious ways. There is this person that I was very angry at for some time, although I really thought I was over being angry. Or maybe I just thought I had it under control. I have always been one to speak my mind, sometimes to my own detriment but that’s just me. I am hot-tempered but have cooled down a lot over the years.

I always felt that the best way to deal with anger is to actually let it all out. It’s easier to control the degree in which you burst, which I have managed to do (I hope!), if you let it out in small doses. But it’s always better to get whatever that is bothering you off your chest. Otherwise, it will just linger somewhere inside you, hiding in some deep dark shadowy corner until, like a volcano, it all just erupts one fine day and then you find that you said or did more than you intended to. The control mechanisms suddenly just don’t work.

And that is exactly what happened yesterday. I was just fine, chilling and not thinking about anything in particular, when suddenly I received this SMS from this person that I was angry at, and I dunno why but I suddenly just snapped. I told him everything that I always wanted to tell him but kept bottled up inside, and then it all just came out in one big explosion. Had I told him off at the appropriate times, yesterday wouldn’t have been that bad. But once I was unleashed, there was just no stopping me.

And even after that, I felt that I hadn’t finished, that I could go on telling him off but somehow, just as mysteriously as it began, it stopped. He deserved what he got and then some. But still, it’s not good for me to explode in rage like that. It could lead to a whole host of other problems like hypertension, high blood pressure etc and for what? For someone who was never worth my time in the first place.

And here is where God comes in. Of all days, today I had to bump into him! Damn bloody awkward! I swear these things only happen to me. So I gather God is trying to tell me something. Speak my mind and don’t keep things bottled up inside, or be more patient generally, or I have to learn to deal with the consequences of my actions, or all of the above.

Since I’m still learning to keep my patience, I shall show my anger in small doses next time lest I detonate again.

Holidays!

I recently went to Turkey for a holiday. 2 days in Ephesus, 2 days in Cappadoccia, and 6 days in Istanbul. I like travelling. I like seeing different cultures, different ways of life, different weather, different food, different people, different things to see, different places to go, etc.

The thing I like most about travelling is that for the duration of my journey, I feel as if I am temporarily a different person altogether, and I can forget about my life and the real world for a while. Escapism if you like. I can be whoever I want to be, and no one will judge me because no one knows me. It’s like taking a break from life.

It’s really refreshing. I should do this more often. And try not to get fired at the same time!

Acceptance

As I grow older, I realize that I have become more and more accepting of the circumstances around me, no matter good or bad.

I accept that there are very few good people around me. I accept that I can count the number of people who are truly happy for my triumphs. I accept that I can count the number of people I can count on in times of need.

I accept that most people I know are selfish judgmental fools. I accept that I don’t need to be around negative people who complain about one thing or the other all the time. I accept that insulating myself against negativity may bring about positive thinking on my part notwithstanding the shallow innuendo that avoidance is never the solution.

I accept that people will make use of me. I accept that people will blame me even if it’s not my fault. I accept that people will take credit for my hard work. I accept that people will betray me. I accept that people will kick me when I’m down. I accept that people will talk behind my back.

I accept that I am an imperfect being. I accept that I have made mistakes. That I will make mistakes. That I am not right all the time. That it is not always black and white but various shades of colours.

I accept that I am alone and may be alone till the day I die. I accept that I live in an unforgiving world. I accept that the world may end tomorrow. If that really happens, I accept that too.

I live, but what have I learned?

It never happened before. I hope it never happens again. It's a total state of suspension. Almost like an out of body experience. Like it is happening to someone else. Realizing in 2 seconds that it happened to you. And yet not fully realizing. Picking up the pieces. Dealing with disaster. Missing a heart beat. Knowing it could have been worse.

With everything that has happened, one would think that I would be happy to be alive. But I am not. My only regret is that I almost took the people I loved the most with me. I don’t know what it was supposed to mean or symbolize. Life is precious? Life is short? I know I should feel that way but I don’t. Perhaps I will never know what it is supposed to mean. Perhaps I am not meant to know.

Beyond ridiculous

What next? I can’t invite my Muslim friends to my house for Deepavali because there are pictures and statues of Hindu Gods and Jesus Christ and Mother Mary in my house and therefore the Islamic Religious Department may raid my house on the basis that I am proselytizing??

Stray thoughts

Like ocean waves it comes and goes. Never ceasing. Always existing. Is it natural? A figment of my imagination? A creation of my mind? A surreal state of existence that is only present in our world? Or just my world?

I do not have the answers. Maybe there are no answers. It comes and goes. That is the reality I am faced with. I could either accept it or fight back with no guarantee of victory. But if I do not fight back, defeat is certain.

The repetitive ceaselessness of the web of disaster grips me and lets go at its whim and fancy. There is nothing I can do about it. I am getting too tired to fight. What will happen if I am caught in its web? 

There is no escape. It will come and go come what may.

I prefer fiction

Every time I think I am finally awaking from the nightmare, it occurs to me that life is the nightmare. How do I awake from life?