I never seem to be happy working

I am hardworking. Reasonably clever. Bosses never appreciate this. I don't know why. The best explanation I have is that the vast majority aren't. And so they take advantage of those who are. Like me. Might as well give the work to someone reliable who can do it, and do it well. Credit is theirs, blame is mine. 

This seems to be a repeating trend in my entire working life. Bonus and increments aside, it would really be nice to be appreciated. By anyone. I do my work well. I am tired. For once I would like to work somewhere where hard work and diligence is truly appreciated, where I am not 'rewarded' by more work, but a pat on the back and clearance to go home.

A good friend of mine told me today that in an equal world, that would be the case. But we live in a cruel and unjust world where the strong are rewarded with more work, and the weak are rewarded with gratitude and appreciation. 

And people wonder why my ambition is to become a hermit. 

Books read in 2021

 My annual habit - the books I read in 2021:

1.           The Guest List – Lucy Foley

2.           The Kind Worth Killing – Peter Swanson

3.           The Gilded Cage – Camilla Lackberg

4.           Selfish Gene – Richard Dawkins

5.           Hag’s Nook – John Dickson Carr

6.           Bodies from the Library – Tony Medawar (selected and introduced)

7.           Our Constitution – Shad Saleem Faruqi

8.           My Story : Justice in the Wilderness – Tommy Thomas

9.           Before the Fact – Francis Iles

10.        The Red House Mystery – A. A. Milne

11.        Demien – Hermann Hesse

12.        The Inner Eye – Nicholas Humphrey

13.        God Knows – Joseph Heller

14.        The God Delusion – Richard Dawkins

15.        World War II in Minutes – R.G. Grant

16.        Speeches That Made History – Bounty Books (publisher)

17.        Just Six Numbers – Martin Rees

18.        The Beast Must Die – Nicholas Blake

19.        Malice Aforethought – Francis Iles

20.        The Last Séance – Agatha Christie (collection of supernatural stories)

21.        The Silent House – Nell Pattison

22.        When You See Me – Lisa Gardner

23.        The Case of the Constant Suicides – John Dickson Carr

24.        The Hollow Man – John Dickson Carr

25.        The Hands of Mr. Ottermole – Thomas Burke

26.        The Problem of Cell 13 – Jacques Futrelle

27.        The Man in the Passage – G. K. Chesterton

28.        Beloved – Toni Morrison

29.        Uncle Abner: Master of Mysteries – Melville Davisson Post

30.        Kill the Major – Paul Malone

31.        Troubled Blood – Robert Galbraith

I will always love mysteries, adventure, thrills! You know, the things I never get in real life 🙄

Happy New Year 2022.

The reluctant atheist

I read a book in the last year which has changed my life, probably forever. The book is "The Selfish Gene" by Richard Dawkins. This book gives scientific reasons why we are just because; everything that happens is random; there is no reason behind everything that happens; we are all the product of evolution.

This book was published in 1976; I only found out about it from a fellow traveler when I went to Africa last year; so the irony is not lost on me: was there a reason that I was made aware of this particular book that would make such a significant impact in my life and if that was the case, maybe everything does happen for a reason?

I am now in the zone of believing – not believing in God. I checked out some atheist websites and they have an alternative 10 commandments which really appeals to me:

 The New 10 Commandments

1.           Do not do to others what you would not want them to do to you.

2.           In all things, strive to cause no harm.

3.           Treat your fellow human beings, your fellow living things, and the world in general          with love, honesty, faithfulness and respect.

4.           Do not overlook evil or shrink from administering justice, but always be ready to              forgive wrongdoing freely admitted and honestly regretted.

5.           Live life with a sense of joy and wonder.

6.           Always seek to be learning something new.

7.           Test all things; always check your ideas against the facts, and be ready to discard           even a cherished belief if it does not conform to them.

8.           Never seek to censor or cut yourself off from dissent; always respect the right of             others to disagree with you.

9.           Form independent opinions on the basis of your own reason and experience; do not      allow yourself to be led blindly by others.

10.        Question everything.

 

For the most part, I have "inadvertently" followed these atheist commandments while being a theist. I like to think that I am a Hindu, after all. 

Am I now an atheist? Am I prepared to declare this to the world?

(Un)fortunately I am not. 

So my prayers lately have been:

"God, if indeed You are out there, I need You more than ever now. If You were never there, it all makes sense to me in a weird way. So it’s all cool. God or no God, I am cool. 

But just the same, it would be nice to know if You are real. I am in between theist - atheist. That's the worst kind of place to be. Help."

No answer as of yet. Does this in itself mean anything?? I would like to say "Oh, My God" but I do not know if that is even apt anymore. 🙈🙉🙊

The dilemma that is life

I will die on my 50^th birthday. 

This was a promise I made to myself some time ago, and a promise that I intend to keep. 

Why 50? I figured by then my parents will already be gone; being the 2 people in the world who somewhat loved me while I was alive (having created me and all) and who will no longer be around to mourn my death.

It is wishful thinking isn’t it? What if they’re still around when I’m 50? Do I still go through with it? If not, what is the difference if I did it when I’m 50 or now?

It’s all a matter of perspective isn’t it? How important do I really think I am to them? Are they just an excuse because somewhere deep down, I am not ready to die? Something pulling me to live, because there are still some things I need to accomplish? Some things that I still need to do? Some things that I still enjoy?

The reality is that I can die any time. From a road accident. From the effects of the vaccine that I took. From a heart attack. From a stroke. The truth is, I may die tomorrow. Am I prepared for that?

Yes, I am! 

So why am I waiting? I really don’t have the answer. As much as I am prepared to die, I am happy to be alive every day. I am happy to see the sun in the morning, to spend time with my girls, to feel the wind, to see my plants grow, to see the different types of birds that visit my garden, to see the moon at night.

I am so conflicted. I am ready to die, and yet I am happy to be alive. I do not have an explanation for this and I cannot rationalize this. 

I hate it when I don’t have answers.

I am upset!

 I am so upset I am not thinking clearly.

The Fatty Pup keeps destroying my flower plants. My beautiful flower plants who give me so much joy when the first rays of the sun allow me to gaze at their beauty. I talk to them as I water them in the evenings, and they bloom for me in the mornings.

Nothing seems to work except to keep the Fatty Pup tied up at night. By the time I decided to tie her up, she had already systematically destroyed 10 flower plants. This is her special night-time activity. She has been tied up at night for about a week now, and my remaining flower plants have been safe.

Since I intended to keep her tied up until she forgets the plants (if that is ever possible), I bought 4 new flower plants over the weekend to replenish my dwindling stock. They were not flowering when I bought them. On the third day (yesterday), they bloomed for me.

Last night was no different. I lured the Fatty Pup with treats (food is her greatest weakness) and then tied her up. I got up at 6 this morning as usual to release her. To my horror I found her on the loose. I felt my reflux and heart palpitations coming on. Then I saw the massacre. My 4 new flower plants, just beginning to bloom, tattered and torn all over the garden. Earth from the flower pots strewn all over the garden.

I cleaned up the mess in the garden in the dark; all the time not fully realising the horror before my eyes. Maybe I didn’t want to fully see it; hence my activities in the wee hours of the morning before the sun arose. I hardly slept last night as I am becoming increasingly busy with work, with the result that I woke up this morning with a slight headache. Upon seeing the slaughter, my slight headache quickly became a hammer knocking my skull so I had to take panadols early in the morning, before breakfast, and before jogging. I wasn’t in the mood for anything but what the hell. Life goes on. I really didn’t know how I got through the day.

When my housemate came home I asked her whether she released the Fatty Pup and she admitted this, with the excuse that the Fatty Pup was making so much noise in the middle of the night. The Fatty Pup is tied outside and in front of the house, nearest to my room. I am a sound sleeper but not that sound. For example, I can hear the alarm clock, and my handphone ringing, no matter how deeply asleep I am. If the noise was bad, I would have heard it first. Plus, I didn’t sleep very well last night because I had a million (work related) things in my head. In short, I don’t believe my housemate. She has a soft spot for the devil Fatty Pup.

In my anger I told her that I will then tie Fatty Pup in the backyard, again at a place closest to my room. When I had a chance to cool down a little bit I realised this was a useless plan. Fatty Pup and her big sister grew up in front; she is not used to the backyard, her big sister (who unsurprisingly dislikes her) will never stay with her, and in her loneliness the Fatty Pup will keep not only my housemate, but the whole neighborhood awake. Hence, I abandoned this idea.

No one cares about my problem. I don’t even know why I’m surprised. Most people only care about themselves. Why would they care about plants and dogs?

So what to do now?

A few options:

1.           Drink beer. It doesn’t solve anything but it’s always a good idea.

2.         Give the Fatty Pup away. Perhaps a long-term solution, but I need a solution tonight.    My feelings about the Fatty Pup changes from day to day. Today I really don’t like her and wouldn’t mind giving her away. Tomorrow? Today I regret adopting her. I had 2 best dogs and when they died I should never have adopted again. But tomorrow?

3.           Tie the Fatty Pup at her usual place in front, housemate be damned!

4.           Tie the Fatty Pup at her unusual place in the backyard, housemate be damned!

5.           Tell my housemate with the Dumbo ears to get ear-plugs.

I am carrying out Option No. 1 as I write this. Work tomorrow be damned. I have also carried out Option No. 6: I apologised to my remaining flower plants for failing to protect them from the evil jaws and paws of the Fatty Pup, and I said goodbye to them with many tears.

My life, my choice(s)

I like to think that I am a “high functioning sociopath”, as declared by the Sherlock Holmes played by the lovely Benedict Cumberbatch. Sadly, I am not. Very unfortunately, I have empathy. Mostly towards animals and plants. Sometimes (very reluctantly) towards human beings. But that simply means that I do not fit the definition of a “sociopath”, however much I pretend or imagine to be one.

Well, then I am the next best thing. A misanthrope. Having lived for as long as I have, I still cannot understand the human psyche. I abhor it. Everyone seems to tell lies, under the guise of it being “tactful”, although it is wrong. Honesty is regarded as being rude, and hence never rewarded. I don’t understand it. But even if I can rationalise it, the biggest question for me is, will I change my behaviour in order to “fit in” to society?

I did it for 10 years when I was in practice. I became someone I am inherently not. Hence, I left. Sometimes, when the hours are dark and I have nothing better to think, my mind wanders to the past and always wonders, what if I never left practice? Externally, I would be an equity partner by now, rich enough to buy landed property, a posh car, etc. But the perennial question: at what cost? If it is at the cost of losing my own identity (and it was for me, personally) then I still think it was the right decision to leave.

But is it the case of “out of the frying pan, into the fire?” Human nature after all, is the same everywhere, and across generations. Genes may evolve for better or for worse, but human nature remains the same. We are all ruled by the same motivations, from time immemorial – ambition, greed, envy, love, selfishness, revenge, etc. It takes a really strong will, and an exceptional mind, to overcome any of these.

I am not one of these. I am (unfortunately) a normal human being, therefore I am susceptible. The difference is, I am aware of my limitations. The vast majority is not.

I finally deleted my Facebook account. It’s been a long time coming. To be honest, I don’t even know why I joined in the first place, being the misanthrope that I am. False hopes, I guess. Being human, I had false hopes that there are some good people out there. The straw that broke the camel’s back was when I posted a plea for help from a local animal welfare association seeking charitable donations in this difficult Covid environment. I had a grand total of zero likes. In contrast, a “friend” on Facebook posting the home cooked food for the day received 30 likes.

I knew what I had to do. I have no regrets.

The solution

 This Covid-19 nonsense is really getting out of hand. For starters, it’s been here for a year now. I remember this time last year, I was in Africa. What a happy time. In the most beautiful continent in the world, without a care in the world.

I came back to this Covid nightmare. It’s been one sort of lockdown nightmare after another, with no end in sight. I became so disillusioned and depressed I took to gardening. Gardening! Of all things. I now want to give up the hobby but my plants, of course, cannot know this. I am convinced they have feelings. The ones I talk to grow better than the ones I ignore. I talked to them because I was isolated and bored. And now I have no heart to “give up” because I don’t want them to wither and die. We have a bond, my plants and I.

The economy crashed. I blame the government. Not just our government, but the governments the world over. I think we left too much science to get in the way of things. Science is good. I am a believer in science. But just like you can’t leave wars to generals, you can’t leave pandemics to scientists. But that is just what the world did. And ordinary (non-scientist) humans suffer for it.

I accepted the only job available. I will be honest. It was a job I coveted since I graduated. But then, I joined the “real world” and saw “real money”. And now, to go back to this job I once coveted, with a much lesser pay than what I was used to, seemed contrary to all my skill and experience that I had gained for the past 20 years. And yet, it was the only job opportunity available. Because of Covid. Because the economy was bad. Because I was qualified for this particular job. Because I had nothing better. Because a part of me still coveted it. Because the part of me that wanted more pay, couldn’t find anything better. Because it was meant to be (?).

The move was bigger than I thought. Hitherto I had only been in the private sector. Now I am in the public sector. Hitherto I had been in the industry. Now I am in protective custody. I never knew until today what a huge gap that was. Today I had my first formal meeting in my new job. It was a disaster for me. They may as well be speaking Greek. Or Damara. Or Sanskrit. I didn’t understand 90% of what was said, including something about me. This is not good. Certainly not ideal.

Because I was more confused and stressed after the meeting than ever before, I did the only appropriate thing after the meeting. I opened a can of beer. 5 cans later, I have no idea what I was so confused and stressed about.