Vengeance vs justice

By now the brutal rape and murder of a 23 year old medical student in India is international news. It's an incident that is so unnecessary. I'm sure everyone is asking how did this happen, why did this happen. I understand that the accused were not on any drugs, they only consumed alcohol. So what could make someone commit such a heinous act like that? 

I've asked myself this question before; do I have it in me to kill another human being? The answer is startlingly yes. I think all of us are capable of murder in the "right" context or situation. But the majority of us (and I'm talking about normal people and not people with mental health issues) have the ability to control our (psychotic) murderous tendencies either by upbringing, or social values, or religion, or moral values, or some other form of restraint. 

So do these accused have none of the controlling factors in place? But I reckon many people with similar backgrounds as the accused do exist in the world and I don't think all of them commit heinous crimes like this.

So what is it that made them do what they did? In order to subject any living thing to such cruelty, more so a human being, surely one must truly have such hatred, or perhaps evil, in their very souls. I can't imagine hating anyone that much to inflict that amount of pain and torture on another living being. Because if I were to do that, what does that say of me as a human being? 

Of course, I think the accused deserve to be tortured and executed. If someone did that to a person I love, I have no qualms about seeking them out to the ends of the earth and executing them myself. Some may call it vengeance, I call it justice. But! I will stop short at torturing them. I don't think I have it in me. Or do I? Do we all have it in us if we are pushed to a corner?

If you believe that all babies were born good, how did the accused end up being evil? 

Still sweeping

I've already written about how I keep sweeping things under the carpet because I don't want to deal with a lot of the issues plaguing my life. But it's becoming harder and harder to ignore these vile things under the carpet when everyone around me seems to be getting married and having children, and that choice may never come my way.

If I don't have a child of my own, does that make me lesser of a daughter or a woman? My brain says of course not but my heart says maybe. Deciding for your own is quite different from having things decided for you. Exercising a choice is power, not having a choice is... Well that's just sad.

New Year resolutions

Not that I believe in New Year resolutions, but there are a few things that I wish to achieve next year and I guess now is as good a time as any to resolve to carry out what I hope to achieve. Besides, putting something down in writing always seemed to me that things were then serious, not just some random thought in my head but something firmly cast in stone (cyberspace) and then I will actually have to take it seriously and evaluate my success or failure at the end of next year.

Anyway, my resolutions in no particular order:

1.   Lose 5 kgs - by eating responsibly, more exercise, reduce bad habits

2.   Visit 3 countries

3.   Read 100 books

4.   Run a half marathon

5.   Less tv, less procrastination, more activities

Happy New Year!

He loves me, he loves me not

Have you ever loved someone so much that you were willing to do just about anything to see them happy? Like give up everything for them, or die for them, or the worst of all, to let them go.

I only ever loved 2 people like that. And both relationships did not work out, through no fault of my own. So now I am thinking, could it be that they did not reciprocate the level of devotion, sacrifice and love that I was willing to show to them?

Some of my friends are of the view that if they will not sacrifice their happiness for mine, it means that they just did not love me enough. Personally, I can agree with that because I know I am capable of giving (or giving up) everything for someone else's happiness, even if it means compromising my own happiness. But a close friend of mine keeps reminding me that the world is not black and white, it's 50 shades of grey (pun intended) and just because I think in a certain way does not mean that other people think the same way I do.

Assuming for one minute that my friend is right - that they just did not love me enough - what this means is that I was never good enough for anyone to love me to the extent that he will do anything to see me happy. And that is just sad.

Of pianos and perspectives

My younger brother had re-arranged the furniture in the house. Because of that, the piano was readily accessible and no longer used as a storage item. One evening when I was alone at home, I decided to play the piano. My piano. And it broke my heart to learn that I had forgotten how to play the piano.

I hadn’t properly played the piano in close to 15 years now, ever since I left home to study and then to work. I didn’t take the piano with me because I don’t have a permanent address as yet. My fingers were rusty, the notes looked foreign and it was a struggle for me to get through one damn song!

And that got me thinking about how everything is a matter of perspectives. The piano was a big part of my life growing up. I had lessons once a week, so I had to practice almost every day. I remember the numerous excuses I used to give my poor piano teachers; I was the kid who was most prone to getting cuts, blisters, etc on her fingers!

I remember failing my Grade 7 exam when I was 16 and then giving up on piano for a while. I remember when I was doing Form 6 I decided that I had to finish Grade 8 otherwise I may never get the chance again. I remember practicing everyday for 6 months for my Grade 8 exams, on top of studying Form 6, and passing my exams. That taught me that I could accomplish anything if I really put my mind to it.

But yes, perspectives. Once upon a time, the piano was a big part of my life. Now it’s all but forgotten. Once upon a time the things that mattered to me, now seem so silly because there are bigger things to worry about in life. And I’m sure in 20 years’ time the things that matter to me now will not matter anymore because I would be facing even bigger challenges.

It’s all a matter of perspectives, and yet, when you’re 16, you cannot fathom what kind of problems you will have to face in the future, so that you think the problems you are facing at that point in time is the greatest obstacle in your path. But to a 16 year old girl, being there at that time, facing the things she had to face, was the biggest challenge in her life at that time.  

I guess the moral of the story is that everything and everyone changes. Nothing lasts forever. Even problems don’t last forever, however difficult or hopeless it may seem at any given time. I sound like a hypocrite I know. But I’ve always been a good preacher, and I almost never practice what I preach so what the heck.

Anyway, I haven’t given up on my piano yet. When I finally (if ever!) get a permanent address, I am moving my piano over and then me and piano are going to spend some quality time getting to know each other again. It’s a matter of time before we make music together again.

I'm still here

If it hasn't already occurred to you by now, it is quite apparent that I only write when I'm sad or angry. I haven't written for close to 6 weeks now. A good thing, right?

I guess. It's not as if all my problems have just suddenly evaporated into thin air. It's that I've become quite good at ignoring problems. Sweep, sweep, sweep everything under the carpet. In case you hadn't noticed, there's a pile of shit as big as an elephant hidden under the carpet but hey, as long as I don't see it, it's all good! 

Karma

I believe in karma. I don’t know if it works, but I believe in it. Call it an irrational thought process or a leap of faith or whatever. My biggest problem with karma is that it transcends lifetimes; so if someone does something bad today, he may only pay for it in his next lifetime. Or if something bad happens to someone today, it may be his past karma paying a visit as a result of something bad he did in his previous lifetime.

My problem is this. I need instant gratification. Which means that if someone does something bad to me today, I need to see that person pay for his bad deed in the next 24 hours. Ok, I can probably wait a little longer than that. But definitely in this lifetime, and I want to be there to watch him suffer the consequences of his actions. No, I am not a sadist. He created his own misery when he decided to do something bad.

After all, in nearly all legal systems in the world, a criminal who is caught generally gets punished for his crimes in his lifetime. Why can’t karma work the same way?

Seeing bad people flourish in life makes me think that the bad guys always win, and the good guys always finish last. That being the case, there’s nothing to stop me from being bad I guess. Except my conscience. And karma, which I believe in. It’s a vicious cycle I tell you!