Oh, life...

It’s that time again. The time when I reflect on my life, on what might have been and what is, and how both scenarios are stark opposites to the extent that I ask myself, where the hell did I go wrong. 

I thought I made all the right decisions. But the thing is this. We can only make decisions based on the information that we have at the time we make the decision. That is why I guess most happy people say, if they had to do it all over again, they would not change a thing. Because to change even a small thing would mean that they would not be where they are today. So if the decisions or choices that they made turned out to be good for them and they are happy, that’s what they would say. And if those choices or decisions turned out to be bad, then what?

But here’s the thing. Everyone gets a shot at life. Whatever one’s nature and nurture, the moment one is independent, one gets a shot at life. What one does with that shot is up to one. But here’s the catch. One does not see how it will end. One only has past experience and knowledge as guidance, and one has the present to help one make a choice or decision. On hindsight, whether that was the right choice or the right decision is beyond one’s control. 

So in that sense, we never really get to choose how it’s going to look. None of this is on our own terms. It’s life on life’s terms or not at all. And even that we don’t get to choose. Life. We don’t get to choose life. It’s thrust upon us whether we like it or not, and then we are forced to make choices and decisions based on the information we have at that frozen moment in time, without knowing what the consequences of that decision or choice may be. 

And if we’re lucky, we get what we dreamed of or expected out of life. And if we’re unlucky, we will forever be questioning where it all went wrong, what if I did this, what if I didn’t do that, etc. And if we’re really unlucky, we will spend our whole lives searching for this elusive thing called happiness which is always within our sight, but always beyond our reach.

In the end, it doesn’t even matter what decision or choice we make. It’s really the luck of the draw. It’s life on life’s terms, whether you like it or not. 😔

She is gone

 I read a quote today which said:

“Someday, you will meet the happiest version of you.

And it will be worth it.”

But what if I already met that version, and she has since left?

Me against the world 😔

“To be nobody but 
yourself in a world 
which is doing its best day and night to make you like 
everybody else means to fight the hardest battle 
which any human being can fight and never stop fighting.” 

― E. E. Cummings

She is beautiful

 “She was beautiful, but not like those girls in magazines. 

She was beautiful, for the way she thought. 

She was beautiful, for the sparkle in her eyes when she talked about something she loved. 

She was beautiful, for her ability to make other people smile, even if she was sad.

No, she wasn't beautiful for something as temporary as her looks. 

She was beautiful, deep down to her soul. 

She is beautiful.”

•  F. Scott Fitzgerald 

And the story goes on...

The other day I met Mr. Tyrant face to face. Because I needed him to approve The Thing as soon as possible, I did 2 things which I thought would help me along on my merry way.

Firstly, I bribed God. This happened the day before the meeting at the temple where I made some offering and promised to do penance in return for sweet success. Recently I have not been very impressed with God because I see bias, prejudice and an imbalance of justice all around me which made me wonder whether karma is really independent, impersonal and unbiased or whether that, too, is capable of being manipulated, for example with a bribe. 

Secondly, I put on a drama to appear as sweet and cheerful as I could, with many kind words and praises for Mr. Tyrant although internally my thoughts were the opposite. But I said and acted the opposite of what I was thinking. I have had to do this for most of my working life. I didn’t like it then; I still don’t like it now. When you do this long enough, you become someone else, and you are not happy because there is a constant conflict between the person everyone else sees, and the person I see who is hiding in the shadows. The person who is hiding, the real me, cannot get the job done so she has to take a back seat. Meanwhile, the person getting the job done becomes, over the years, the stronger personality and one day you realise you don’t know who you really are anymore.

I try not to let that happen but the world seems to prefer the pretentious me so I still have to let her out often in order to get the job done. What am I supposed to do if the real me cannot seem to fit into the society I live in? I still haven’t figured this one out yet. 

Anyway, it worked. My pretentious self managed to soothe Mr. Tyrant enough to ease him into a good mood with the result that I got my approval and now I can move on to the next step. I don’t know which worked. The bribe, my act, or both. But I’m happy it’s over and done with and now I can go back to being my true self for the time being. Until my next job when my pretentious self will be unleashed into society again 🙄. 

Elsewhere, I turned down an invitation to lunch by the person I don’t particularly like. The good thing was that he didn’t press me for a reason so I didn’t have to lie or tell the (harsh) truth. A lucky escape. Well, unless if saying no is in itself considered to be harsh speech, in which case if I can’t say no, what the hell do I say? Maybe I’m overthinking this. There was an offer, I declined, and that’s it. If the person making the offer felt offended, surely that’s no concern of mine. Or is it?

Oh, dear.

Tell no lies vs no harsh speech

More than 20 years ago I read a lot of books on Buddhism. One of the basic principles in Buddhism is tell no lies. I’ve tried to be honest over these years, but it is more difficult than one thinks. 

For one, most people don’t appreciate honesty. They end up feeling hurt and blame me for their hurt feelings (because I told them the truth). Over the years I’ve been told that I lack tact, I am too direct, I am too harsh, I lack social skills, I am mean. Also over the years, I’ve learnt to soften my approach especially in the working environment. For example, instead of telling the boss something cannot be done, I give suggestions on how it can be done in a better or proper way. It’s still saying it cannot be done, but in a more tactful way, I guess. How tiresome! 

And then there are times when I know the truth will hurt someone and I am either too lazy to think of a tactful answer, or there is no tactful answer, and I end up lying. For example, if someone who is dieting asks me if they have lost weight, I almost inevitably tell them “a little bit” even though they have not lost any weight or worse, they have in fact gained weight. 

I know this is not right but I just don’t know what to say in those circumstances. 

Recently I have been reading up on religion again, particularly Buddhism and the principle of telling no lies actually falls under a wider concept of ‘no harsh speech’. This includes not only not telling lies, but also no gossip, no harsh speech that can hurt another’s feelings, no rumour mongering, etc. 

I already knew this but 20 years ago, honesty was the most important thing to me (although I failed sometimes). But now, 20 years later, no harsh speech seems to be equally important to me. I guess experience does count for something. And that different things have different meanings to you at different points in your life. This is also why I sometimes re-read the books I have read, because reading it as a teenager and again as an adult can make you feel differently about the book, and sometimes you have an opposite view about a character. For example Heathcliff in Wuthering Heights. It is fascinating.

But I digress. This honesty vs no harsh speech I have a real problem with. How do I be honest and at the same time say it in such a way so as to not hurt another’s feelings? 

I am faced with a dilemma right now. Someone I don’t particularly like has been asking me to go out for the longest time. Previously I’ve made up a thousand reasons why I am not free to see him (lies! 😱😱😱) but either he genuinely doesn’t understand, or doesn’t want to understand. On 2 occasions I just got tired of making excuses and met up with him, and on both occasions I made it clear that I was not enjoying myself.

He has not given up. He calls again. What the hell do I do. Wait. I know what I must do. Be honest but at the same time not hurt his feelings.

How the hell do I do that??

Tyrants

Today I would like to talk about tyrants. 

They are everywhere. Disguised as teachers, relatives, bosses, or just about anyone who has some sort of power over me. The teacher who punished me for being Indian. The relative who gave sweets to my brother but not me. The boss who sat on some work for weeks and then passed it to me to get done by today because tomorrow is the deadline. The clerk who refused to accept my document because I used blue ink instead of black when both colours are acceptable. The police officer who refused to accept my police report because I didn’t give him the evidence of the crime (isn’t it his job to investigate and obtain the evidence?). The customs officer who checked only my bag out of all the passengers waiting to board the plane, for no apparent reason. The list goes on. 

I’m not saying I was deliberately targeted. I am saying that there are tyrants out there who bask in the glory that they have a certain power over people, and they abuse and misuse that power because I guess making other people feel miserable feeds their own need to feel powerful, like alcohol feeds the need of the bibulous. 

It’s all well and good sitting in my armchair and doing a psychological analysis on tyrants - how meaningless or empty their lives must be, or perhaps they forgot how it was to be on the receiving end, or perhaps they are also being mistreated so they are taking out their frustrations on me etc., but it does not detract from the fact that it is me who is undergoing the stress and misery at their hands.

I am being plagued by a tyrant right now. I need Mr. Tyrant’s approval in order to submit a Thing by Timeline. My Timeline was 3 months. I gave Mr. Tyrant the Thing within 2 weeks for his approval. After many reminders, he reverted 1 month later to say I have not addressed the issues properly. The Thing is 20 pages long with about 30 issues, so I don’t know which issues he was having problems with.

Nevertheless, I re-did the Thing as best I could and submitted it to him about a week later. Timeline is now about 3 weeks to go and no news from Mr. Tyrant. After his approval, I need about a week to finalise the Thing before submission. Which means I have approximately 2 weeks left. And no news. 

Why all this unnecessary stress? If you have a problem, tell me what it is exactly so that I can rectify it according to your wishes and the job is done. Good for you, good for me. But here you give me a general statement which leaves me groping in the dark, and you’re taking your own bloody sweet time and putting me under tremendous stress and pressure because Timeline is approaching nearer and nearer, but you obviously don’t care about all that. 

Because you are Mr. Tyrant and you need your power fix 🙄.