To say or not to say; that is the question

There is an unwritten rule that we are to say goodbye out loud before leaving. 

I have been diligently following this rule because (and this is something I am not particularly proud of) I tend to follow rules. 

But recently I am not getting a response to my goodbye. I am being deliberately ignored. For unknown reasons which I am quite sure are unjustified because as far as I'm aware, I've done nothing wrong. Which I think is the height of childishness, spite and unprofessionalism. 

I'm also aware of the saying that I shouldn't stoop to their level and I should always maintain my own standards.

But it feels ridiculous. Almost as if I'm saying goodbye to the walls. Maybe it's one of those situations where I should do unto others what others do unto me. Or maybe I should remain professional and follow the rules. I'm really not sure what to do.

People are never easy. Dogs behave better than most people I know. 

Share your happiness but not your sorrows

When other people are in a bad mood, I am expected to understand and react accordingly. Because it is never their fault. It is the situation and circumstance that put them in a bad mood.

When I am in a bad mood, I am expected to manage it and keep it under control. Because it is I who choose to be in a bad mood. And nobody is bound to understand, much less tolerate my mood.

Such is the hypocrisy of society. One set of rules for them, and a different set of rules for me. If I am expected to be happy all the time when I'm in the company of others, and deal with my problems alone, then I really don't see a point in being in the company of others. Share your happiness but not your sorrows. 

Because if I have to deal with all my problems on my own, I can also be happy on my own. 

Because in the end, I always end up alone anyway.

"Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig 2 graves"

Irritation has escalated to anger, anger has escalated to hatred.

Yesterday I imagined shooting someone in both knee caps and as she screamed in pain and anguish, all I said was, "not so high and mighty now, are you?"

And even as I banished this vision from my thoughts, guilt had already set in. I am insightful. I don't need other people to tell me that this is unhealthy. I already know this.

I have to find a way to forgive certain people. But I just can't seem to do it now. And I think it has to do with the fact that I still see them everyday, I still see the injustice, the hypocrisy, the back stabbing, the pretense, the cunning, the duplicity, the bias, the drama. And although I know it is not in my own best interest, I end up going home angry. Or worse, filled with hatred.

I am hoping that once I'm out of there I will be able to reflect on all that has happened, and finally forgive those who I think have wronged me. It's for my own peace of mind. 

But until then, I know not what to do. I wish I could just ignore everything but it's difficult when you're neither blind nor deaf. 

Generally the title of a blog shouldn't be longer than the blog itself. But sometimes it is.

Sometimes I wake up in the morning and cry for the girl who could've been, because I am only the girl who is.  

Walking away

The situation has become unbearable. It's like I'm breathing in toxic fumes and I can't escape. I sit in the furthest corner, quiet as a church mouse, minding my own business but the poison inevitably reaches me with it's ugly, twisted, rotten fingers. Swirling around me, manipulating me, cajoling me to join in its evil. 

I could fight back. Play the wicked game they're playing. But I don't see a point. Their world is so small, this is all they have. So when they perceive a threat to their world, their only world, they seek to destroy it with evil I never knew could exist in erstwhile normal human beings. 

They have not seen the world like I have. Full of wonder, beauty, love, peace. So many more things to do, so many more places to see. They don't realise that the world is big enough for all of us to co-exist peacefully. They are masters of their own territory which they think is their world. And they will guard that boundary with their lives.

In a way, I am fighting back, but on my own terms. Sometimes fighting back is doing nothing at all. Sometimes fighting back is simply just walking away from the toxicity. Sometimes fighting back is holding on to your own principles, your own morality. Sometimes fighting back is just being yourself.

And some day, when I no longer pity them, I will find a way to forgive them. 

The choice is surely mine

I knew you back then as A. Been friends with you for years. So many memories, good times and bad. You were good to me.

Now you have acquired B, and together, you have acquired C. So now you're no longer A but ABC. It's a fused thing, can't be separated. You can never, ever be A again. I accept that. It's still all good. There is no problem.

Except. You expect me to be friends with ABC. But you don't seem to realise that it was your choice to acquire B and C, not mine. So you don't realise that the choice is now mine whether to be friends with ABC or not.

You see, to me you will always be A. It is A that I chose to be friends with. You can try, but you can't force me to now be friends with ABC. 

You made your choice(s), now let me make mine.

"Every time you go away"

Every time he leaves I feel wasted. Discarded. Unwanted. Unloved.

I want to walk away but I can't. I guess I'm not as strong as I think I am. 

I hate being weak. I am better than this. I deserve better. 

But I can't say no. It breaks my own heart, as well as his, when I say no.

So I say yes. And he comes. And he leaves. Again.

This has to end. It will end.

I just don't know how. Yet.

A dream of a memory

I had a very vivid dream the other night. The dream was actually a memory.

I was back in the house of my hostess on the island of Amantani on Lake Titicaca, Peru. It was freezing cold, about 5 degrees Celsius. The air was pretty thin; I was about 4,000 metres above sea level.  I hadn't had a bath in more than 24 hours because it was just madness to try and shower in freezing cold water. I spent the night in a foreign bed with 2 other tourists from America, with all my 4 layers of clothes on, socks on, and 2 layers of blankets but I still wasn't warm enough. Couldn't get warm enough. 

And the next morning, though a bit warmer (about 12 degrees Celcius), the water from the tap was still freezing cold and I had to grit my teeth while I brushed them, and said a prayer out loud before splashing ice cold water on my face.

In my dream memory, I remember thinking that notwithstanding the extreme environment I was in, living amongst strangers, being far away from any kind of moral and emotional support, being far away from the warmth that I was so used to, and depending on nothing but my wits and common sense, I was happy.

I was happy because I had the power to walk away from it all at any given time. It was I who chose to experience what I experienced, with no regrets whatsoever. The power of choice. The freedom to choose. It's an indescribable feeling. It is the embodiment of happiness. It is everything. 

And then I woke up. And got ready for work. Of course, working is a choice. But also, unfortunately, a necessity at the moment. Which, in my opinion, makes it less of a choice.

And therefore, I am less happy.

Truthfully

A colleague asked me the other day, was I not planning to get married? Have I not met the right person?

With a mischievous smile I told him that I have in fact met the right person, but unfortunately I could not marry that person.

Not unexpectedly, he asked me why.

I said, "Because the right person for me is me, but I can't marry myself, can I?"

He burst out laughing and so did I. The truth is sometimes hilarious.