I prefer fiction

Every time I think I am finally awaking from the nightmare, it occurs to me that life is the nightmare. How do I awake from life?

It could be worse

In the last month, two women I know told me stories about their lives that I swear are fit for Hollywood movies. Except that their stories were real. They were actually living difficult, almost impossible lives, everyday.

A small part of me felt sorry for them, but a big part of me was amazed at how strong they were, how much of a survivor they were despite everything that happened. Against all odds, they somehow found the strength to survive, to face life, to go on living, to smile and to laugh. I don’t know how they do it. I suspect it is some deep inner strength that they are just born with. I truly admire them. These women are the real unsung heroes who carry the weight of the world on their shoulders without expectation of sympathy nor appreciation.  Life just goes on for them. They will take whatever life throws at them.

I don’t know whether it was a coincidence that I met these two women in such a short span of time. I can’t help but think that this is God’s way of telling me that there are worse things that can happen. I know that there are worse things that can happen. I know this. I am thankful for whatever I have now, for who I am now, where I am now, how I am now. I am.

And yet I am morose most of the time. Restless sometimes. As if there is something missing. I don’t even know what it missing. I feel as if I too am carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders – except I don’t know what this weight is, or from whence it came from; but now I can’t seem to get rid of it.

Yet another day

I used to believe that love conquers all. Now I know that sometimes love is just not enough.

I used to believe that my friends will always be there for me. Now I know that most of them will be there for me only when it is convenient for them.

I used to believe that everything is worth fighting for. Now I know that nothing is ever that important enough to fight for. Most of the time it is better to just let go.

I used to believe that I am capable of being loved. Now I know that no one can love me.

Life stops hurting so much when you give up thinking that it could be different.

Leadership by example

It never ceases to amaze me how people can just make the most ludicrous statements and honestly think that there is nothing wrong with that statement.

The Director General of the Atomic Energy Licensing Board was quoted in The Star, Thursday, 21 July 2011 as saying that Lynas Corp must compile the medical history of residents living near Gebeng industrial area in order to compare this with their state of health once the rare earth facility starts operation.

And so once operations start - and it transpires that there are higher levels of radiation, cancer, other radiation-linked diseases etc in that area - wouldn't it be too late?

All these people who are in favour of the rare earth facility operated by Lynas Corp in Gebeng – I dare them to stay with their families and friends in that area, to breathe the air in that area, drink the water in that area, live in that area. Leadership by example. Go on. If it is really so safe, start walking the talk. Prove us wrong. Live there.

Democracy is overrated

Some people I know joined the bersih rally today. They did it for various reasons – some just wanted to be a part of something, some wanted to know what it was like, some genuinely believed in the cause, some believed in freedom of expression and freedom of assembly.

Good for them. All of them believed in democracy. As do I. And yet, they will not hear the other side of the story – the story of those who believe in the same things as these people namely democracy, freedom of assembly, freedom of expression, citizens’ rights, etc, but who still oppose the rally. I don’t judge them for believing in what they do or for joining the rally. All of that is well and good. But when I put forward my arguments as to why protesting in the streets is not the solution to the problem, they just don’t listen! And it is driving me crazy! The very people who are willing to get arrested for the sake of democracy will not recognize my democratic right of speaking my point of view! How ironic is that?

While we are on this subject, there were various road blocks around petaling jaya today. It took me 30 minutes to travel from section 11 to my house in section 7 because there were diversions everywhere. What a waste of time. It honestly felt as if suddenly I was in a police state, and I had stayed out past curfew time, and now I couldn’t go home. When did this happen??

So for all those who support street protests in the name of freedom and democracy, did you ever stop to think about my rights and my freedom to travel freely on the streets of Malaysia? What makes you think your rights, your freedom, is greater than mine? But there is no use I tell you! There is absolutely no use talking to these so-called upholders of democracy because they, just like most people I know, are selfish creatures who only care about democracy when it suits their own ideologies, and the proof of that is that they refuse to engage in a rational debate about why this protest should not have taken place. And here I am thinking that the whole idea of democracy is allowing everyone to have a voice, no matter how much you disagreed with them.

I keep telling anyone who would care to listen, I find of late that I do not like human beings. This is one of the reasons why.

So excuse me while I go play with my girls now. Not being human beings, I know they will not annoy or irritate me. And besides, they are more rational than most people I know.

The world has turned and left me here

I really didn’t think life would be this difficult. I used to think that no matter how bad things got, it would always get better. Now I realize that when things are bad, they tend to get worse. So maybe I’m just depressed and see the glass as half empty. I never was an optimist. Life is easier when you are a pessimist. For example, if you expect it to rain on the one day you didn’t bring your umbrella and it does rain, hey! you expected it. If it doesn’t rain, there is something to be happy about. But if you think everything is going to be ok and it doesn’t turn out ok, you will become depressed. So thinking that the worst could happen may actually be a good thing.

Not that I think anything good will ever happen to me anyway. Nothing good did happen. Everything I have now I worked for. Nothing came easy. Nobody gave me a break. I am jinxed. To be forever sad. And alone. Dunno why. The world has forgotten me. I am nobody. Nobody is me. This is how I disappear.

To obey or rebel?

I was in Singapore last week to watch the Lion King musical. It was a lovely performance, the stage props and the costumes were so creative, it was really something else. I enjoyed every minute of it. After that I watched the National Day rehearsals at Marina Bay Sands, where the army, navy and air force showed off their skills. Quite extraordinary.

I have been to Singapore many times but the thing that caught my attention this time around was how the people were just so obedient. They never question anything, they just follow the rules. Even when the rules don’t make sense.

Of course, law and order is necessary to prevent chaos. But surely one must be allowed to question certain rules that curtail one’s freedom unreasonably, or prohibit one from reasonably exercising one’s rights, or rules that are downright ridiculous. But there must be a balance.

Taking to the streets must be the absolute last resort, for example if the people are fighting for independence or democracy for the nation, or are trying to overthrow a despotic or autocratic ruler. I do realize that what is important to one person may be frivolous to another. Hence, objectivity should play a role.

If people are allowed to take to the streets for anything at all, all in the name of freedom of expression or freedom of assembly, then there would be nothing to stop me, for example, from protesting in the streets against my neighbour who had deliberately killed 2 of my cows. It may not be important to you but it sure is important to me.

Objectively, one would say that my proper recourse would be to lodge a police report, or seek compensation from my neighbour in court. Objectively, no one would condone my street protest. And yet, I could argue that it is my legitimate right to protest in any manner I choose.

Personally, I feel that taking to the streets must be the last resort after all other legitimate efforts of getting the desired results have failed. If people took to the streets every time they feel aggrieved, the danger is that nobody would take them seriously after a while. It would no longer be a novelty. So while it is still a novelty, why not save it for something that is really worthwhile?

On the other hand, the enforcers of the law should not be too paranoid about street protests. Arresting people for wearing yellow? That is downright silly. It makes me believe that they have something to worry about because if everything is hunky dory, there is nothing wrong in allowing people to march on the streets since it won’t make a difference anyway.

Someone once told me, “if you see a good fight, get in it.” I’m still waiting.

Marathon 2011

I completed 10.6 km in the KL Marathon last Sunday, 26 June 2011. Unfortunately I was slower than last year. I don’t know what went wrong. I am very disappointed with myself. Most people have not been sympathetic. I don't blame them. I don't sympathize with my own dismal performance anyway.

But the good thing was, I was not in pain like I was last year. I couldn’t even walk properly last year! Not to mention, I have nice toned calves now.

So pros and cons. Slower but painless. Looking forward to the next run!

Friends? What friends?

Apart from my immediate family members, there are lesser and lesser people in this world that I care about. I can count the number of friends that I truly care for. As for the rest of my so-called friends, some of them I used to care about. Until they stopped caring about me. I don’t see why I should be the one giving all the time.

Of course, when I try telling them this, they just brush me off. They say I’m depressed, I just think no one cares about me but in fact everyone is here for me. Just because they say it, and probably believe it, doesn’t mean it is true.

Let me give you an example. When I broke up with my boyfriend of 6 years, none of my so-called friends bothered listening to my lamentations. Of course, my so-called friends will tell you otherwise. And they did listen. 3 or 4 times maybe. Then when it got repetitious, they said everything will be ok and changed the topic. Kept changing the topic, clearly indicating that they were not interested in hearing my lamentations anymore. Like I am supposed to be miraculously cured after 1 week, 1 month, whatever. I am still grieving now in fact! Not that I was lamenting all the time night and day. I do realize they have lives of their own. But they just couldn’t find the time, some little time, to comfort me. If they did, I would never have started this blog.

Another example is how when I state my opinion, I am always wrong, trying to start a fight, argumentative, the works. Well forgive me for having opinions that are contrary to popular beliefs! So much for freedom of expression.

So my question is, why should I care about them? Actually, I should treat them exactly the same way as they treat me. Be hypocritically nice to them on the surface. No more opinions. No more lamentations. From now on it is only blue skies, sweet spice and everything nice. They don’t have to know what is going on in my life as much as I don’t want to know what is going on in theirs.

I’d rather be alone. If they don’t want to take the trouble to know me, to be with me, to spend time with me, it’s their loss. So there.