Suicide

The National Suicide Registry of Malaysia (NSRM) (I didn't even know such a registry existed in Malaysia!) reported that from 2007-2009, there were 731 reported suicides. The suicide rate has been steadily increasing every year -  113 in 2007, 290 in 2008, and 328 in 2009.

NSRM also reported that more men than women had taken their own lives by a ratio of 3:1. The reasons cited include romantic break-ups, financial troubles, being jobless, failing academically, loss of a loved one, history of suicides in the family, substance abuse and mental ailments.

I find this alarming. It is time Malaysia emulates other countries in providing comprehensive mental health care facilities that is accessible to everyone, young or old, rich or poor.

Mental anguish is a silent killer. Unlike physical illnesses, one will never know whether another person is suffering from any form of mental illness, at least those illnesses that have no outward symptoms. In fact, I have read that people suffering from depression can carry on with their normal daily lives when they are in the presence of others, even laughing and seeming to be happy.

On my part, I think I will try harder to make the time to listen to anyone who has a problem, no matter how trivial or frivolous I may think the problem is. What is trivial or frivolous to me may mean life or death to the person with the problem.

Sometimes all one sees is a dead end. One is unable to see the choices available to one. And so the only way to end the suffering, to escape the nightmare, to obliterate the pain, is to end the beginning. Where it all started. And the beginning is, unfortunately, life.

Car crash

I am alive but I am not present.

Does that make any sense? I crashed Jupiter on Wednesday, 13th April 2011. In my own house! All those times I drove home slightly tipsy, and not a single untoward incident.

And there I was, bright and early in the morning, completely sober, about to drive to work and I crashed Jupiter along the wall of my house. What was I thinking? Where was I?

No more nuke! (Part 2)

“We may as well close Gebeng.” – Pahang Menteri Besar Datuk Seri Adnan Yaakob, quoted in The Star, 15^th April 2010

The Pahang Menteri Besar (“PMB”), in supporting the building of the rare earth refinery by Lynas Corp, was quoted as saying that Gebeng being the nation’s chemical and petrochemical hub, already produced some form of emission.  

Presumably, because Gebeng already produced “some form of emission”, it is alright for radioactive waste to be thrown into the mix as well. I really don’t get it. It’s like saying, “Since this river is already polluted, we may as well throw our rubbish into this river. And while we’re at it, we may as well throw Australia’s rubbish into this river. What difference does it make? The river is polluted anyway”.

Instead of calming the well founded fears of Gebeng residents by giving rational, scientific and logical answers, the PMB saw it fit to threaten the Gebeng residents. Like a child who is caught red handed.

We are now an informed society. We demand answers, especially if it concerns our safety and health. Let’s face it. The Pahang State Government sure doesn’t care about us. We have to look out for ourselves.

I have 2 questions.

(1)   If the refinery and the waste it produces is as safe as the PMB says it is, why won’t, or why can’t, Lynas Corp remove the waste back to Australia?

(2)   Can the state government guarantee that the refinery will be operated and maintained safely at all times?

I have serious doubts about (2). Like I’ve said before, our buildings are leaking, there are numerous pot holes on our roads, our bridges are falling down, etc. 1^st class infrastructure, 3^rd class maintenance. Do we really have what it takes to maintain a nuclear waste producing refinery?

If the PMB’s answer is yes, do you really expect me to believe that?

Learning how to be single again

It has been almost 7 years since I had been single. I forgot how to do many things on my own. I am trying to cope the best I can, taking it one day at a time.

I have always been indecisive. I find that I talk to myself a lot these days. Mostly about mundane things like should I buy groceries today and clean my room tomorrow, or should I clean my room today and buy groceries tomorrow. Stupid I know but I do it.

I am also so used to telling someone where I am going so that someone will always know where I am and what time I am coming back. I am so used to that that everytime I leave my house I feel as if I had missed out something.  But there is no one to tell.

Perhaps the most interesting part about being single is that I am now absolutely free to do whatever I want. If I die tomorrow, I will not be leaving behind a grieving boyfriend or husband or children. I will not be leaving anyone behind for me to feel guilty about except my girls who have been taken care of.

If I die tomorrow, I die free of any guilt, remorse or unfulfilled responsibility. I die free. And that is liberating.

The myth known as sexual harassment

What do you do when a colleague tells you, “I will help you with your problem if you give me a hug”?

Of course, the colleague could have meant it as a joke. But surely it is the feelings of the recipient of the remark that counts, and not that of the perpetrator. So even if it was said in jest, if the person on the receiving end is offended, that should be sufficient to constitute sexual harassment.

But unfortunately we do not live in a utopian world. At the end of the day, it is her word against his. No matter how good a reputation the victim has, there will always be detractors. Especially if the perpetrator also appears to have a good reputation. There will be people who do not believe in the victim’s story outright. There will be people who believe. There will also be people who are convinced that it was a mere misunderstanding and nothing more.

So what do you do? Tell the perpetrator off? Lodge an official complaint? How do you prove that the remark was in fact said? How do you prove that you were offended by the remark? How do you avoid having the scandal publicized in the office? The last thing the victim would want is to have the whole office scrutinizing her behaviour, judging her, or misjudging her.

Sadly I do not have the answers. I believe many victims, even if they are offended, shrug the incident off as a joke and move on. I believe many victims suffer in silence. Sometimes they blame themselves.

When it actually happened to a friend, I had to tell her the bitter truth i.e. that there may be unpleasant consequences in her lodging an official complaint. I was not happy telling her that. The fighter in me wanted her to lodge an official complaint and bring the perpetrator to justice. But I guess the bigger picture was to get her out of the predicament with her reputation in tact, which is why I told her what I did.

In the end, her immediate boss had a word with the perpetrator, and even he was convinced that it was all a misunderstanding. Of course the perpetrator is not going to admit that he sexually harassed a colleague!

But there you go. If even her own boss thinks it was a misunderstanding, what more the other people in the office who do not know her.

I am learning that sometimes there are just no right answers. Sometimes it is not all black or white or gray, but a multiple shade of colours in between. Sometimes you just have to believe that the colour you chose was indeed the right colour.

No more nuke!

There is something rotten in the state of Pahang.

That something is a RM700 million refinery that is being built in Gebeng by the Australian mining company Lynas Corp which will discharge radioactive wastes.

As if Bukit Merah was not a lesson learnt. As if the disaster in Fukushima was not enough. If anything, Fukushima teaches us that even an advanced country like Japan has difficulties containing nuclear leaks. What more Malaysia where new buildings have cracks, buildings and bridges collapse, potholes on public roads are never repaired, etc. And this is without natural disasters like earthquakes and tsunamis.

If the refinery was as safe as is being suggested, why can’t Australia build it on their own turf? There is enough land in Australia for such a refinery to be built.

I understand the Pahang State Government has to lure investors. But at what cost? Surely not at the expense of its own citizens!

If the Pahang State Government truly cared about the people of Pahang, they should put a stop to the rare earth plant in Gebeng. At once.

Meanwhile, well done citizens of Gebeng, Kuantan, Pahang! I do feel guilty about not joining our cause. But thanks to people like you, I know Pahang is in good hands. 

So sad

I am disappearing with each passing day. Becoming invisible. A non-entity. I am doing the bare minimum of what needs to be done in order to survive. Eat, drink, sleep, and make enough money to do all of the above.

If existing means living, maybe I have already ceased to exist. I am not living, I am surviving because I am still alive.

I just had an interesting thought - if I died on a Friday after work, nobody would realize it until the coming Monday or Tuesday when I fail to show up at work.

That is the reality no matter how loud the protests may be. Sad but true.

I am sad

In the bigger scheme of things, I believe I am a good person.

Sure, I’ve made mistakes before. I have never run away from admitting my mistakes. I always apologize for my mistakes and take full responsibility for them.

I lose my temper easily. I realize I have hurt many people by saying things I do not mean because I lost my temper. I’m still working on it. I have made considerable progress over the years.

I always analyze my own behaviour. As far as possible, I always try and put myself in other people’s shoes. I am not judgmental. I always give people the benefit of the doubt.

I am straightforward. Some people say I should be more tactful. I have difficulties with that because I genuinely think being tactful is a nicer way of being hypocritical, which is something that I do not like.

On hindsight, maybe I would have done some things differently. My detractors will probably give you a list of my worst traits. I know I am not perfect.

But all in all, I do not think I am a bad person. I believe my heart is in the right place. My conscience is clear. I am not perfect, but I am good.

So why am I sad?

The power of forgiveness

How have you hurt me? Let me count the ways.

You lied to my face. You stole from me. You cheated me. You betrayed my trust. You made me feel as if everything was my fault. You made me beg for what is rightfully mine. You made me wait in anguish and in despair wondering if you would ever return it back to me. Then you made me feel bad when I asked you to return what was rightfully mine. You made me feel as if you were doing me a favour by returning what was mine in the first place. You were mean, nasty and downright cruel to me. Your words hurt me.

I must admit I was extremely angry and upset with you. To be honest, I wanted to exact revenge on you and I thought of many, many ways of hurting you, of humiliating you, of bringing you down.

But I did not. I held it all back. Because my priority was to get back what you had taken from me. That was more important to me. So I let my anger, my pride, my ego, my thirst for revenge, to take a back seat until you returned it all to me.

And in waiting, in being patient, I have actually cooled down. I am no longer angry with or at you. I no longer harbour any vindictive intentions against you. I do not hate you. I have accepted what you have done to me, and I do not hold it against you.

I forgive you.

And just like that, all the hurt, pain, anguish and despair that I have been feeling for days, have just disappeared.

Because I forgive you, you can never hurt me again.

And the tears just won't stop

What do you do when the world decides to be nasty, cruel and unfair to you? What do you do when the world gives you nothing but loneliness and emptiness? What do you do when the world makes you feel sick and tired, down and out, worn and weary, hopeless and lost?

Sometimes you fight back with every last fibre of your being, with every last drop of blood, with every last gasp of breath, with every last ounce of strength that you have.

Sometimes you give up, accept defeat gracefully and just walk away.

Sometimes all you can do is cry. Like now.