Trust and treachery

There is a very fine line between trust and treachery.

I believe everything happens for a reason. In many ways I thank God that I have found out the true identity and character of certain people before it is too late. It is a lesson learnt. A very expensive lesson I might add.

So forgive me, world, if I do not have trust in my fellow human beings. Forgive me if I am sceptical, cynical, distrustful. Experience has made me such.

I have failed

I have always been my own worst enemy. I am my biggest critic. I can suffer fools but I cannot tolerate failure at my own hands.

Nothing ever came easy for me. I had to fight to be heard, fight for attention, fight for equality, fight for education, fight for good grades, fight for everything that I believed in. I could not afford to lose because I had no safety net. I had no one to catch me if I fell, no one to pick me up if I was down, no one to bandage my wounds. No safety net. So the stakes were high. I had to win. I simply could not lose. If I did, I licked my own wounds. I was my own safety net.

I have won many battles but the war eludes me. And now I have failed. I have lost the war. What do you do when you have let yourself down?

Lamentations (2)

Many people, including my own family, think that I am an exceptionally strong and independent woman who will go far in life. I am sure there is a compliment in there somewhere. Unfortunately I don’t quite see it like that.

Underneath the tough appearance that people seem to think I have, I am just a girl. I doubt myself. I am fragile. I would like someone to take care of me. I believe that is what every girl is looking for. Someone to take care of them.

I am a hopeless romantic although I don’t show it. Most of my adult life I spent waiting for my prince charming to come rescue me. To sweep me off my feet, to take care of me, to live happily ever after.

What I didn’t realize was that all these years, I have actually been rescuing myself. Imagine that. I am my own damsel in distress and prince charming all rolled into one. I guess they were right. I am strong and independent.

You would think I would appreciate myself more realizing that. But I don’t. In my own eyes I have failed. I just turned 33. Some people may say I have my whole life ahead of me. But in my mind, I have absolutely nothing to look forward to in life anymore. I am just waiting for my turn to die.