Apples and oranges

Whenever a heinous crime is committed it is common for people to say that the perpetrator has behaved worse than animals.

I beg to differ. Comparing criminals to animals is an insult. Insulting to animals, that is. One of my history teachers in school once told us the difference between animals, angels and human beings. Animals have lust (the exact word used was ‘nafsu’) but no intelligence. Angels have intelligence but no lust. Human beings have both lust and intelligence. And that is why the Bible says that of all creatures God created, He loved human beings the most.

Human beings who do not use their intelligence are not worse than animals. It is not a fair comparison because animals never had intelligence to begin with. Everything animals do is for their survival. They behave the way they do to protect themselves and to ensure the survival of their race.

What excuse do human beings have?

Lost

Close your eyes. You are in a dark place. You are not blind but you cannot see anything before you, behind you, around you. You are not deaf but you cannot hear anything except your own voice. You know that you are the only one who can hear your own voice. There is no one else around to hear it. You are talking to yourself. You are listening to yourself. You see nothing.

You have been in this state for weeks. Or has it been months? You have lost track of time. Time does not matter anymore. Or maybe time does not exist where you are. You are walking, sometimes running, because that is the only thing you can do. You cannot see where you are going, you cannot see where you came from.

Everywhere you turn, there is only darkness. You run in different directions but there is nothing but darkness. You are alone. You are lost. You will never be found because no one knows where you are. Even you do not know where you are.

You tell yourself one day you will get out of this place. One day you will be found. One day you will find yourself again. But with each passing day, your spirit is wearing thin. You are losing hope. You question your very existence. You wonder whether you are real. You wonder whether this place is real. You wonder whether this is all a part of your imagination. A world you created to escape the even darker reality out there.

You keep on running with no end in sight. You are losing your mind. You are helpless. The silence is deafening. The darkness makes you blind. You have had enough.

Open your eyes. It is different. And yet you are still in the same place.

God

"I yearn to understand some measure of thy truth which my heart believes
and loves. For I do not seek to understand in order to have faith but I
have faith in order to understand. For I believe even this: I shall not
understand unless I have faith."

- Proslogion I (Discourse on the Existence of God) (medieval cleric Anselm 1077-1078)

"I am He whom I love, and He whom I love is I:

We are two spirits dweling in one body,

If thou seest me, thou seest Him,

And if thou seest Him, thou seest us both."

-Husain ibn Mansur (usually known as al-Hallaj, the Wool-Carder), quoted in
Reynold Alleyne Nicholson, The Mystics of Islam

Both quoted in A History of God by Karen Armstrong

I found God when I was 16. I know He exists. I know I love Him. I know He loves me. I know He has plans for me. I trust Him. I am still finding Him. 

She is still restless

There is something missing in her life. She knows not what it is. She feels emptiness and longing all at the same time. She knows not what she longs for. Nothing seems to satisfy her anymore. She has developed an appetite that is incapable of satiation. She fills her days with activities in an attempt to ignore the restlessness. But it is there. Ever present. Lingering. Lurking. She knows not what it means.

Sometimes she feels like running away. But from what? She knows not. And to where? She knows not. Sometimes she wishes she could just disappear into oblivion. Pretend that she never existed. Walk into nothing.

Perhaps it is just a phase. Perhaps it is something spiritual. Perhaps she needs a change. Perhaps she thinks too much. Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.

She is tired. She is losing hope. She has to figure it out fast. For her own good. For her sanity.

Lamentations

When I pulled the plug on my previous relationship, I leaned heavily on a close friend for comfort, reassurance, support and encouragement. God knows I needed it. I was a wreck, close to a nervous breakdown, couldn’t stop crying the moment I was left alone.

I only got to know this close friend for about 5 months then, but somehow we just hit it off and became really good friends. And when the unthinkable happened, he was the only one who stood by me through it all, day after day. The months of uncertainty, fear, tears, agony, heartache and bitterness.

I knew this friend loved me. And for many months, I could not accept him in my life for various reasons. Because I still loved the old flame. Because people would think I left the old flame for another man, someone ‘better in society’s eyes’. Because how much could I really have loved the old flame if I could move on so fast? Because the only reason my friend was there for me was because he wanted me for himself. Because my friend was a rebound and it would never work. So many reasons.

But the main reason was because I was still hoping. Hoping that the old flame would do something, anything, to win my heart back. I shared 6 years of my life with him. One would think that by now, he would know exactly what to say and do to win me back.

But nothing happened. And now it’s 8 months. Nothing will ever happen. That’s just how it is.

It is time to move on. There is someone who loves me. It is time I loved him back just the way he deserves to be loved. People can continue to think what they like. They were never there for me when I was lost in a deep, dark, desolate corner almost at the point of no return. He was. He was always there. He is still here. I knew he was there but I did not see him before. I see him now. And I see hope again.

Who said literature is boring?

Everyday I read comments about the book Interlok. I have not read it yet.

It is apparently a Form 5 literature text book. Literature implies fiction. If it is meant to be fictional, then there is no need to change anything in the book. One is supposed to read literature for the (fictional) story, the language, the prose, the grammar, the writing style etc. For example 'A Tale of Two Cities' by Charles Dickens. Nobody really thinks that there was a Sydney Carton who traded places with a Charles Darnay, to be willingly guillotined out of love for a woman whose name I forget.  

If it is meant to be factual, and if there are factual inaccuracies, then of course there is a need to rectify the offending parts so that it reflects the actual facts.

If it is meant to be factual and if there are no factual inaccuracies, then the book should remain as it is. It cannot be denied that there was a caste system in place in India for many years. By removing all reference to the caste system, or certain undesirable words attributed to the caste system, it does not mean that the caste system will be forever obliterated from memory or history. The caste system and everything undesirable associated with it is a fact, and it is the truth.

Rather than hide the truth, we should acknowledge the past as it is; the good, the bad and the ugly, and learn from it. Like the fact that Galileo was persecuted because he said the Earth went around the sun, or the fact that people suspected of witchcraft used to be burned at the stake, or the fact that Parameswara was a Hindu till the day he died.

The past can sometimes be discomforting, to say the least. But like all truths, it has the habit of revealing itself in good time, no matter how hard anyone tries to suppress it. And I, for one, prefer to face the truth than to explain a lie.

I can’t wait to read the book!

Rats!

I found a 3.5 kg packet of my girls’ food empty, and yet it was unopened. I found various holes in the packet, and I suspected it must be the work of rats. A whole packet of dog food eaten by rats!

So I moved all my girls’ food indoors. They followed the food. I have seen about 4 or 5 rats thus far.

I then resorted to rat poison. I did not like the idea of deliberately killing a living being, but it was either that or continue feeding them with dog food which will no doubt contribute to the growth in their population.

I have been feeding them rat poison for the past week and a half. Thus far I have found 1 dead rat, which will no doubt contribute to my karma.

The rest of the rat population in my house continue to consume the rat poison almost on a daily basis without effect.

So it is either that the rat poison is defective which I doubt, or there are mutant rats in my house.

My lonely heart

I lie awake but my eyes are closed

Too many questions without answers have been posed

I’ve reached the end but I have not started

This heart of mine has forever parted

Because I have waited so long to meet you

But now that I’ve found you I can’t have you

So fly away poor bleeding heart of mine

You’ve waited long enough to see the signs

To live, to love and never to despise

When Hate is all that lingers in my eyes

To live for the moment of blissful splendour

And die for the rest of the waking hours

The immortal hands of Longevity

Grips me with such cruel gravity

To be lost in a senseless world of no meaning

And be found in a misery that’s just beginning

To constantly weigh the worthful minutes

Because Time is a luxury seemingly infinite

The ultimate test is life itself

And the ultimate freedom in life is death

Love will set your heart free

But death will set your soul free

The jealous wounds that eat my heart away

Has left it dying with morbid decay

The healing hands attributed with Time

Has done nothing to mend this heart of mine

All the seas of Neptune could not drown the sorrow

The pain will never cease with another tomorrow

The weight of true love has been my plague

It has left me dry till my very bones ache

Laughter is a medicine that fools apply

To hide the truth and reveal the lie

All the forgotten wishes that will never come true

Has now resurfaced with wondrous hues

To cloud my heart with even more agony

Where rain and thunder reigns eternally

Thoughts of darkness surround me with such ferocity

Fear paralyzes my every ability

All those wasted moments of nothingness

The anguished hours ripe with loneliness

Shall continue to plague me with endless misery

Yearning in vain this heart is empty

All the rights have turned out wrong

And all the wrongs go on so long

Age catches up without a choice

Anger and resentment becomes my voice

I’m still holding on to the life within me

Death is a journey that hasn’t reached me

The roads I’ve taken have led me nowhere

Even the desperate must go somewhere

Why do I feel like there’s nothing left for me

The forgotten child without a destiny

Floating in the rivers of insecurity

Waiting for the shores of mortality

Drifting along the currents that flow

Sometimes they come and sometimes they go

Watching the safety of the shore within reach

But fearing to step onto the unknown beach

Tired of staying in this enclosed state

With scenes of disdain and shadows of hate

Morbid tendencies play their tunes blissfully

Their songs caress my heart tenderly

When there is nothing more left to give

When your heart is too broken to receive

When all the colours of life has faded

And the storm within could never be abated

Do you patiently wait for something better?

Or do you once and for all put an end to the matter?

She is restless

She is restless. She has reached a cross roads in her life.

Should she take the road less traveled by? To boldly explore her true potential to the best of her ability, to discover her hidden talents, to defy all common practice and plunge into the chasm of the mysterious unknown? That has apparently made all the difference to one.

Should she take the more common road, the road travelled by many before her, the road that she knows will give her comfort, security, acceptance?

Should she make a deal with the devil? But for what? She does not know what she wants. And in exchange for what? All she has is her broken, battered, pessimistic and disillusioned soul which even the devil will be appalled to accept.

She does not know what to do. She is torn between convention and adventure. Between comfort and the unknown. Between reality and idealism. Between commonality and individuality. Between routine and excitement. Between safety and danger. Between the road taken by many and the road less travelled by.

She is at a cross roads. She does not know what to do. She is restless.

A poem

I promised myself that I will write a blog today, it being New Year’s day and all. But I didn’t have a topic and since I had promised, I decided to post a poem that I wrote some years ago. Enjoy!

Night

Oh the mysteries and wonders of the night

It never ceases to enhance the imagination

With a tinge of pleasure and a splash of delight

The result is a myriad of satisfaction

Her Majesty the Moon is mistress of the sky

She sails though the clouds in her chariot of stars

Sprinkling ions of light all through the night

Illuminating her kingdom both near and afar

Here comes the Night Wind with his lovely ballad

Of whispers and sighs and whistles and whines

Immemmorial songs both cherished and sacred

Timeless tunes that simply never die

Look at the trees, all dancing together

Nice and slow and in perfect symetry

Their branches and leaves all moving in splendour

A ritual of rustling guided by poetry

The light of the candle has thrown out shadows

Little actors performing a scene on the wall

The drama unfolds and tells a tale of sorrow

The last flicker of the tallow marks the actors’ last call

Down comes a beetle lost in the breeze

Twirling and twining, then up again in a whiff

In through the window to land at my feet

The night  must be playful, for it’s just a leaf!

Oh the mysteries and wonders of the night

The cozy darkness that lifts the spirit away

If only I could sleep throughout the day

To enjoy the enchanting mysticisms of the Night!