Eleven years ago I went on a soul searching journey. Completely on my own, to a land far, far away, and actually found what I was looking for. I came home completely at peace with myself, accepting of the way things were and are, with a renewed zest for life and the future. I would go as far as to say that I learned to love myself, with all my flaws that I still have to this day.
Eleven years later I am feeling lost again. There are
certain cycles in my life that keep repeating, and I know will continue
repeating till the bitter end. I used to be able to accept this, but I’m not
sure what it is this time – whether I’ve grown impatient in my old age, or
whether the cycles are getting worse so that it has become, once again,
impossible for me to ignore, accept, and still move on happily, with love in my
heart.
I am angry. I have been for a while, and it does not want to
go away. It’s not a good feeling, and it gets in the way of my life. So as usual,
I bury myself in work so that I don’t have to think about it. So that I don’t
have to deal with it. Obviously that’s not working because the anger just sits
in my heart, festering, growing roots, making me even more impatient, which in
turn, makes me more reclusive.
I have cut out so many people in my life, and honestly, I
have no regrets. Part of loving yourself is to know who is not good for you,
even if it means cutting out family. If I cut out any more, I would be well and
truly alone. Part of me is fine with that, I have been alone in one way or
another since I left home when I was 19. Then there’s a part of me that is
hesitant, because if I truly cut everyone I know out of my life, who am I? What
is my identity? I am no longer a daughter, sister, friend. What is left?
There are people who claim to know me. I should have been
happy to hear that, that there are people who think they are close enough to me
to truly understand me. But the truth is, that made my angry. How dare they
claim to know me, when even I don’t know myself fully? What people know about
me is what I allow them to see. What no one sees, not even you, my dear blog,
is what is in my heart every day – a complex, complicated emotional collage
that even I don’t understand.
And underneath it all is this constant feeling that the
world is moving on, while forgetting about this one soul who needs a friend,
who needs a listening ear, who needs love. The world is moving on while I
disappear into the mist. I’ve been down this dangerous road before and got off
it for a while, only to find myself right back where I started.
Seems the right time for another soul searching exercise to
find out who I am, shorn of all this familial and societal identities. Except. I
am now poorer, and about to be homeless soon. I just cannot afford another soul
searching trip alone, somewhere far, far away. So now, I am well and truly
stuck. Not sure how to get out of this one. Not sure if I can.
