Feeling like a song...

I've been feeling like this song for quite some time now, I think I should listen to my heart even if it leads me down disaster road. 

OneRepublic - Stop & Stare  

This town is colder now, I think it's sick of us
It's time to make our move, I'm shakin' off the rust
I've got my heart set on anywhere but here
I'm staring down myself, counting up the years

Steady hands just take the wheel
Every glance is killing me
Time to make one last appeal
For the life I lead

Stop and stare
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere
Yeah, I know that everyone gets scared
But I've become what I can't be, oh

Stop and stare
You start to wonder why you're here not there
And you'd give anything to get what's fair
But fair ain't what you really need
Oh, can you see what I see?

They're tryin' to come back, all my senses push
Untie the weight bags, I never thought I could
Steady feet, don't fail me now
I'm gonna run till you can't walk
Something pulls my focus out
And I'm standing down

Stop and stare
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere
Yeah, I know that everyone gets scared
But I've become what I can't be, oh

Stop and stare
You start to wonder why you're here not there
And you'd give anything to get what's fair
But fair ain't what you really need
Oh, you don't need

What you need, what you need
What you need

Stop and stare
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere
Yeah, I know that everyone gets scared
I've become what I can't be
Oh, do you see what I see?

What's the point again?

At the end of the day, I am but human. I, too, grow old. I fall sick. I need rest. I need sleep. I need exercise. I need some fun. I need holidays. I need to make up for lost time with my family. I need space. I need peace. I need a life outside of work.

I can’t be expected to work like how I used to work 10 years ago. I have paid my dues. The late nights, the bags underneath my eyes with veins so red it looked like it was about to burst, the premature greying, the working over the weekends and holidays (if there were any), the constant worrying, the running around, the rushing – I did it all. All in the name of ‘career’. It’s not as if I got to where I am today without putting in real hard work. So don’t act as if I should be eternally grateful for what I have now. None of this was handed to me on a silver platter. I have sacrificed significant amounts of time and energy, at the expense of friends and family, to get to where I am today.

And it is still expected of me! It’s like every waking moment that I have I have to spend it on working. Why? Because I have nothing better to do in life? Because other people’s time are more precious than mine? Because I have targets to meet? Because I am being paid a salary? Why why why?

If the same is expected of everyone then I will not complain. But George Orwell was right – some people are more equal than others. Other people can go back at a decent hour every day, they are not expected to work weekends or whilst on holiday, they are given latitudes wider than the span of the Atlantic Ocean. And yet, they get the same benefits (if not more) than I do, so really, what’s the point of it all?

I am not a robot. If I am continued to be treated like one, I will break down due to over capacity and disintegrate. And I can rest assured that I will not be missed. On the contrary, I will be replaced by another unsuspecting robot.

No one said it's fair

Life is unfair. I know this. Mothers will always have their favourite child (although they will deny this till the day they die). Attractive people will always have it easier. As will apple polishers, people with influential fathers or relatives, people with money, people with power. For those of us who have none of these things except a pleasant personality and a heart in the right place (present company included), we will just have to continue struggling to survive. Nice guys always finish last. But I’d rather be myself and finish last, than be someone else and finish first.

Books

Books! I love books. Always have, always will. Damn the internet and it’s “but-you-can-find-anything-and-everything- online” zombie followers. Of course it’s useful. But nothing beats a good book. The touch, the feel, the smell, the comfort of a book cannot compare to anything else in the world.

The trick about reading for me is that I like to read what I like to read when I want to read. I can’t be forced to read something because everyone says it’s good or because it’s a best seller or because it’s the “in thing” to be reading a particular book. (This explains why I was never very good at studies, because I was forced to read all them geography and history books – let’s not even talk about chemistry and physics! This also explains why I don’t like work that much because again, I am forced to read things that I don’t necessarily want to read at that point in time.)

I love the English language. It’s not my mother tongue but it’s the first language I ever learned and I express myself the best in English. With the exception of Nathaniel Hawthorne’s Moby Dick (my favourite book of all time!!) I prefer English authors. (No, I am not suffering from a colonial hangover.) From Enid Blyton to Thomas Hardy, Charles Dickens, Agatha Christie and now Sophie Hannah and Val McDermid.

Apart from an intriguing story line that will take me to places I have never been to before (and some places I never will, except in my head), good authors also inspire me with their poetic prose, wit and artistic use of words. Some things are said so concisely yet beautifully, it lifts my spirit – “...would you bypass curious in your haste to get to furious?” (Sophie Hannah, The Carrier).

If only there was more time to indulge. Now isn’t that a complaint you often hear.

Friendship is overrated

There is a certain code of conduct that I expect from people. I know what they say, if there are no expectations there will be no disappointments. But they also say no man is an island. Everyone needs, or has to have friends (I disagree with the latter but we will assume for present purposes that no man is an island). When it comes to people who you wish to call friends, that’s just the way it is for me. There has to be a certain code of conduct. If you fall below that code, then I cannot consider you my friend. Of course, things can change. But it will take a heck of a lot to change my mind once you have disappointed me.

This is why I have very few friends. I am not complaining. People say I have unrealistic expectations of people. For me, it is very simple. I expect to be treated the same way I would treat another person. The moment you do not do that, you are not my friend. I don’t think this is too much to ask. I’m not asking you to walk on fire or run a marathon to prove your friendship. I’m asking for the barest minimum – trust, loyalty, love. If that is too much to ask, so be it. I’d rather be an island. 

I am happy

I never thought I would ever say this again. I am happy. It took me more than 3 years to be happy again. To be happy with just the way things are. With my girls, with the sun, with the birds singing, with running in the park, with my new car. Not caring about the past or the future, but just basking in the present.

And I’m proud to say that I didn’t delve into drugs or medication or alcohol or shrinks to get out of depression. That’s not to say that I haven’t done anything that I’m not proud of. There were some embarrassing situations in the past, mostly from bad exercise of judgment. But if you’re not in the right frame of mind, you tend to do that. You’re not yourself and therefore not truly guarded and unable to see reason or listen to good advice. I don’t look at it as something I regret, but something I have learned and take with me so that I don’t go down that path again. It was a necessary evil, if you must.  

I wanted to die for all the wrong reasons. I still can’t stop death. It is bound to happen. But if it happens now, I die happy, I die doing the things I like doing, I die knowing that I was useful in this world. That makes me somebody. I am not anonymous. And that’s always better than to die thinking you should never have been born in the first place.

Doctors will tell you that depressed people need help. Not everyone is the same so yes, some people may need help. But the best doctor to heal your soul is really yourself. Because no one knows you better than you know yourself. And if you don’t know who you are, it’s about time you go find out. It has made all the difference to me.  

Nature vs nurture

Ask anyone and they will tell you that I am as Malaysian as they get. I love all things Malaysian, idiotic politicians included. But taking a step back, ethnically I am Indian. My paternal grandfather was born and bred in South India and he came to Malaysia at a fairly young age to earn a living. Same story with my maternal grandfather except that he came from Sri Lanka. My parents were born and bred in Malaysia, and I am second generation Malaysian.

Recently I became acquainted with someone who comes from India. As in born and bred in India, but is currently working in Malaysia. Now, one would think we would have a lot in common since we have similar roots. But ironically, there is such a gap between us in terms of outlook in life, values, culture, the way of thinking, that we are really from 2 different worlds altogether. That’s not to say that there’s anything wrong with him or with me. It’s just that we were brought up in 2 different countries altogether, in very different environments, so that although we’re both Indian, we’re as different as night and day.

Oddly, I find more similarities with my European acquaintances!

Nurture is definitely more powerful, or more influential, than nature.