A long-lost friend contacted me yesterday out of the blue to seek advice on (of all things!) husbands and children. Children more than husbands I decided NOT to acquire BY CHOICE so I was really at a loss as to why she would contact me for such advice, but I did my best in lending a sympathetic ear.
But that is not the reason for this blog. The reason is that this long-lost friend informed me that a mutual friend that we once knew had passed away some five years ago. Five years! And I had no idea.
Flashback to some 25 years ago when I was a freshie at university, living on campus, away for the first time from my family, in the big city for the first time, everything so new and urban and foreign. To say that I was awkward was an understatement. Those days students used to be ‘initiated’ in accordance with their race, something which was all but non-existent where I grew up, in rural Malaysia, at least amongst my peers. I couldn’t speak Tamil (my mother tongue) well although I am a proud Malaysian Indian. But that meant that I didn’t fit in and I was bloody awkward (still am).
Enter The Mutual Friend. He didn’t judge, he was oh-so-patient with me, he was the Reason to my Emotion, the Calm to my Turmoil, the Peace to my War, the Tranquility to my Anger, the Serenity to my Rebellion. He was the exact opposite of me and was thus perfect for me.
Obviously I had a crush on him. But nothing happened, due to what I can only describe as an intervention of a force bigger than the both of us. It was only after I graduated that I learned that he felt the same way about me. What got in the way was this stupid misunderstanding of me thinking that he liked someone else and so kept out of the way; and he likewise thinking that I liked someone else and so kept out of the way. But when all of this was finally revealed, I was already in a committed relationship at that time and so NOTHING continued to happen. And that was really the last time I ever saw him, a couple of years after I had graduated and had started working, and had a boyfriend.
We did keep in touch over the years, and at some point he did tell me that he was quite ill, going in and out of the hospital for long-ish periods of time, but in my mind I dismissed this due to what I can only now say was attributed to the arrogance of youth. We always said that we should meet up some time, but it never quite happened due to LIFE. And by life I really mean WORK which I seem to be doing all the time and which I should really stop but can’t seem to. Workaholic? A story for another day.
Anyway, we never did meet again after that last meeting when ALL was revealed and NOTHING happened, and he did, I guess, try to tell me over the years that he was more frequently ill which I carelessly discarded because you know, LIFE.
And now he is gone. Forever. I really don’t know what is wrong with me or whether any part of this is normal, but a part of me feels like I’ve dodged a bullet because had SOMETHING happened back when, my life would have been frequent visits to the hospital, watching someone I loved slowly wither away and die before my very eyes, and/or becoming a widow in my 40s.
Sometimes I myself cannot believe how callous I can be. But I believe in being honest and telling it as it is. These were my very first thoughts when my long-lost friend gave me this sad piece of information yesterday.
And then, once the selfishness and callousness left (I’m still not sure, but I attribute this as my survival instincts kicking in and creating these thoughts to make me feel better), my regret all through last night until now and I do not know for how long more, is that I didn’t even get the chance to say goodbye to The Mutual Friend who once was a big part of my life, who I may have fallen in love with, who I may have had a life with.
So now, I am just sad but I cannot turn back time. I cannot undo all the missed opportunities. I cannot do anything but to cry. I do not know how any of this works but if The Mutual Friend can read this somehow, sometime, I would like to tell him that he mattered a lot to me, and if things had been different, maybe SOMETHING could have happened instead of the NOTHINGNESS I feel right now. 😔
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