The reluctant atheist

I read a book in the last year which has changed my life, probably forever. The book is "The Selfish Gene" by Richard Dawkins. This book gives scientific reasons why we are just because; everything that happens is random; there is no reason behind everything that happens; we are all the product of evolution.

This book was published in 1976; I only found out about it from a fellow traveler when I went to Africa last year; so the irony is not lost on me: was there a reason that I was made aware of this particular book that would make such a significant impact in my life and if that was the case, maybe everything does happen for a reason?

I am now in the zone of believing – not believing in God. I checked out some atheist websites and they have an alternative 10 commandments which really appeals to me:

 The New 10 Commandments

1.           Do not do to others what you would not want them to do to you.

2.           In all things, strive to cause no harm.

3.           Treat your fellow human beings, your fellow living things, and the world in general          with love, honesty, faithfulness and respect.

4.           Do not overlook evil or shrink from administering justice, but always be ready to              forgive wrongdoing freely admitted and honestly regretted.

5.           Live life with a sense of joy and wonder.

6.           Always seek to be learning something new.

7.           Test all things; always check your ideas against the facts, and be ready to discard           even a cherished belief if it does not conform to them.

8.           Never seek to censor or cut yourself off from dissent; always respect the right of             others to disagree with you.

9.           Form independent opinions on the basis of your own reason and experience; do not      allow yourself to be led blindly by others.

10.        Question everything.

 

For the most part, I have "inadvertently" followed these atheist commandments while being a theist. I like to think that I am a Hindu, after all. 

Am I now an atheist? Am I prepared to declare this to the world?

(Un)fortunately I am not. 

So my prayers lately have been:

"God, if indeed You are out there, I need You more than ever now. If You were never there, it all makes sense to me in a weird way. So it’s all cool. God or no God, I am cool. 

But just the same, it would be nice to know if You are real. I am in between theist - atheist. That's the worst kind of place to be. Help."

No answer as of yet. Does this in itself mean anything?? I would like to say "Oh, My God" but I do not know if that is even apt anymore. 🙈🙉🙊

The dilemma that is life

I will die on my 50^th birthday. 

This was a promise I made to myself some time ago, and a promise that I intend to keep. 

Why 50? I figured by then my parents will already be gone; being the 2 people in the world who somewhat loved me while I was alive (having created me and all) and who will no longer be around to mourn my death.

It is wishful thinking isn’t it? What if they’re still around when I’m 50? Do I still go through with it? If not, what is the difference if I did it when I’m 50 or now?

It’s all a matter of perspective isn’t it? How important do I really think I am to them? Are they just an excuse because somewhere deep down, I am not ready to die? Something pulling me to live, because there are still some things I need to accomplish? Some things that I still need to do? Some things that I still enjoy?

The reality is that I can die any time. From a road accident. From the effects of the vaccine that I took. From a heart attack. From a stroke. The truth is, I may die tomorrow. Am I prepared for that?

Yes, I am! 

So why am I waiting? I really don’t have the answer. As much as I am prepared to die, I am happy to be alive every day. I am happy to see the sun in the morning, to spend time with my girls, to feel the wind, to see my plants grow, to see the different types of birds that visit my garden, to see the moon at night.

I am so conflicted. I am ready to die, and yet I am happy to be alive. I do not have an explanation for this and I cannot rationalize this. 

I hate it when I don’t have answers.