My life, my choice(s)

I like to think that I am a “high functioning sociopath”, as declared by the Sherlock Holmes played by the lovely Benedict Cumberbatch. Sadly, I am not. Very unfortunately, I have empathy. Mostly towards animals and plants. Sometimes (very reluctantly) towards human beings. But that simply means that I do not fit the definition of a “sociopath”, however much I pretend or imagine to be one.

Well, then I am the next best thing. A misanthrope. Having lived for as long as I have, I still cannot understand the human psyche. I abhor it. Everyone seems to tell lies, under the guise of it being “tactful”, although it is wrong. Honesty is regarded as being rude, and hence never rewarded. I don’t understand it. But even if I can rationalise it, the biggest question for me is, will I change my behaviour in order to “fit in” to society?

I did it for 10 years when I was in practice. I became someone I am inherently not. Hence, I left. Sometimes, when the hours are dark and I have nothing better to think, my mind wanders to the past and always wonders, what if I never left practice? Externally, I would be an equity partner by now, rich enough to buy landed property, a posh car, etc. But the perennial question: at what cost? If it is at the cost of losing my own identity (and it was for me, personally) then I still think it was the right decision to leave.

But is it the case of “out of the frying pan, into the fire?” Human nature after all, is the same everywhere, and across generations. Genes may evolve for better or for worse, but human nature remains the same. We are all ruled by the same motivations, from time immemorial – ambition, greed, envy, love, selfishness, revenge, etc. It takes a really strong will, and an exceptional mind, to overcome any of these.

I am not one of these. I am (unfortunately) a normal human being, therefore I am susceptible. The difference is, I am aware of my limitations. The vast majority is not.

I finally deleted my Facebook account. It’s been a long time coming. To be honest, I don’t even know why I joined in the first place, being the misanthrope that I am. False hopes, I guess. Being human, I had false hopes that there are some good people out there. The straw that broke the camel’s back was when I posted a plea for help from a local animal welfare association seeking charitable donations in this difficult Covid environment. I had a grand total of zero likes. In contrast, a “friend” on Facebook posting the home cooked food for the day received 30 likes.

I knew what I had to do. I have no regrets.