My life, my choice(s)

I like to think that I am a “high functioning sociopath”, as declared by the Sherlock Holmes played by the lovely Benedict Cumberbatch. Sadly, I am not. Very unfortunately, I have empathy. Mostly towards animals and plants. Sometimes (very reluctantly) towards human beings. But that simply means that I do not fit the definition of a “sociopath”, however much I pretend or imagine to be one.

Well, then I am the next best thing. A misanthrope. Having lived for as long as I have, I still cannot understand the human psyche. I abhor it. Everyone seems to tell lies, under the guise of it being “tactful”, although it is wrong. Honesty is regarded as being rude, and hence never rewarded. I don’t understand it. But even if I can rationalise it, the biggest question for me is, will I change my behaviour in order to “fit in” to society?

I did it for 10 years when I was in practice. I became someone I am inherently not. Hence, I left. Sometimes, when the hours are dark and I have nothing better to think, my mind wanders to the past and always wonders, what if I never left practice? Externally, I would be an equity partner by now, rich enough to buy landed property, a posh car, etc. But the perennial question: at what cost? If it is at the cost of losing my own identity (and it was for me, personally) then I still think it was the right decision to leave.

But is it the case of “out of the frying pan, into the fire?” Human nature after all, is the same everywhere, and across generations. Genes may evolve for better or for worse, but human nature remains the same. We are all ruled by the same motivations, from time immemorial – ambition, greed, envy, love, selfishness, revenge, etc. It takes a really strong will, and an exceptional mind, to overcome any of these.

I am not one of these. I am (unfortunately) a normal human being, therefore I am susceptible. The difference is, I am aware of my limitations. The vast majority is not.

I finally deleted my Facebook account. It’s been a long time coming. To be honest, I don’t even know why I joined in the first place, being the misanthrope that I am. False hopes, I guess. Being human, I had false hopes that there are some good people out there. The straw that broke the camel’s back was when I posted a plea for help from a local animal welfare association seeking charitable donations in this difficult Covid environment. I had a grand total of zero likes. In contrast, a “friend” on Facebook posting the home cooked food for the day received 30 likes.

I knew what I had to do. I have no regrets.

The solution

 This Covid-19 nonsense is really getting out of hand. For starters, it’s been here for a year now. I remember this time last year, I was in Africa. What a happy time. In the most beautiful continent in the world, without a care in the world.

I came back to this Covid nightmare. It’s been one sort of lockdown nightmare after another, with no end in sight. I became so disillusioned and depressed I took to gardening. Gardening! Of all things. I now want to give up the hobby but my plants, of course, cannot know this. I am convinced they have feelings. The ones I talk to grow better than the ones I ignore. I talked to them because I was isolated and bored. And now I have no heart to “give up” because I don’t want them to wither and die. We have a bond, my plants and I.

The economy crashed. I blame the government. Not just our government, but the governments the world over. I think we left too much science to get in the way of things. Science is good. I am a believer in science. But just like you can’t leave wars to generals, you can’t leave pandemics to scientists. But that is just what the world did. And ordinary (non-scientist) humans suffer for it.

I accepted the only job available. I will be honest. It was a job I coveted since I graduated. But then, I joined the “real world” and saw “real money”. And now, to go back to this job I once coveted, with a much lesser pay than what I was used to, seemed contrary to all my skill and experience that I had gained for the past 20 years. And yet, it was the only job opportunity available. Because of Covid. Because the economy was bad. Because I was qualified for this particular job. Because I had nothing better. Because a part of me still coveted it. Because the part of me that wanted more pay, couldn’t find anything better. Because it was meant to be (?).

The move was bigger than I thought. Hitherto I had only been in the private sector. Now I am in the public sector. Hitherto I had been in the industry. Now I am in protective custody. I never knew until today what a huge gap that was. Today I had my first formal meeting in my new job. It was a disaster for me. They may as well be speaking Greek. Or Damara. Or Sanskrit. I didn’t understand 90% of what was said, including something about me. This is not good. Certainly not ideal.

Because I was more confused and stressed after the meeting than ever before, I did the only appropriate thing after the meeting. I opened a can of beer. 5 cans later, I have no idea what I was so confused and stressed about.