There's something about God

 I think I had mentioned before that at the age of 16 I set out looking for God. I was prepared to face the truth, even it meant finding out that there is no God after all. Or worse, that there is a God but He was never on the side of humanity; never on my side.

In my quest I have poured over books covering various religions, philosophies, beliefs, theories from East to West including mysticism, Emile Durkheim’s ‘The Elementary Forms of Religious Life’ where he posits that all religion is man-made, the whole existentialist movement, meditation and mind consciousness, etc, etc. There are 2 things I want to say at this point. First, I am still unable to find the answers to all my questions. Second, I feel as if my journey is still incomplete in that there are still things out there for me to read, to understand, to learn, to apply.

I also think that there are largely 2 types of people out there. One type is those who find something that gives them meaning, and that becomes a means of justification for their actions and behaviour. Meaning, that everything they do is given meaning or justification by that thing they believe in. The second type is those who are what they are and are trying to make sense of what they are.

For the longest time I was in the first group of people. Of all that I have read, I found that I was most drawn to the teachings of the Buddha and tried to practice Buddhism. For the longest time I ignored, or perhaps I integrated (wrongly) the one glaring thing that was missing in Buddhism but that I believed in – God. I believe in God. Despite everything I see and hear, mostly to the contrary, I still believe in God. I cannot shake this belief no matter what. And over time I have come to realise that I cannot fit my set of beliefs into any given religion (I am using the word religion here to cover philosophies, theories, practices, beliefs, etc). Because if I choose a religion for myself, then I must accept all its teachings, even those that I do not agree to.

And that is not me. I have my own beliefs. Right or wrong I do not know but they are my own beliefs. And I guess I am trying to find the religion that will fit my beliefs, that will answer all my questions satisfactorily, that will make me content and happy with life, such as it is. I haven’t found it. Perhaps I never will in this lifetime. But that doesn’t mean I stop trying. As long as there are interesting things for me to know, to learn, to read out there, I will do so and even if I don’t find all the answers, at least I would have gained all this knowledge, which may be strong enough to be passed on to whoever I am born as next.

And I do believe that. I believe that our souls or consciousness or whatever it is that makes us awake or aware, is made up of energies which is a part of the universe, and when we die, these energies live on and may give life to another being. And I believe, just like how I am drawn to be a seeker of religion in this lifetime, perhaps some of the energy within me right now was also a seeker in my past life which is spurring me on to continue this quest for answers. And so, even if I do not find all the answers in this lifetime, maybe that part of the energy may pass on to a new being who will continue the search, until one day, all will be answered; all will be known. And how does God fit into all of this energy being re-born or recycled or reincarnated? Well, I believe that reincarnation and God are not mutually exclusive concepts.

When I put it down in words, it sounds like some supernatural-science fiction, but this is what I believe. How else can I explain this need to find religion? Where did it come from? My parents and most of my friends are followers of what was already taught to them. They never question anything. And to be honest, I envy them. There is a lot of comfort in attending church every Sunday or going to the mosque or temple every Friday or meditating every day or confessing one’s sins every week. I envy those who genuinely find peace and solace in these things. I wish I was more like them.

But I am not. Me, I question everything. I also absorb everything. And then I decide what works for me and what doesn’t. Because I also believe that being born as a human, I am blessed (or cursed) with a brain and I should use it, for better or for worse. Which means, finding out as much as I can and choosing what works for me. And if it turns out that I’ve thought everything wrong, that I’ve done everything wrong, that I’ve chosen everything wrong, then either I will have to answer to God, or my energy is dispersed into a lesser being.

In the end, whether I am searching for myself or searching for God, I think in this instance it is really the journey that counts, not the destination.