I think I had mentioned before that at the age of 16 I set out looking
for God. I was prepared to face the truth, even it meant finding out that there
is no God after all. Or worse, that there is a God but He was never on the side
of humanity; never on my side.
In my quest I have poured over books covering various religions,
philosophies, beliefs, theories from East to West including mysticism, Emile
Durkheim’s ‘The Elementary Forms of Religious Life’ where he posits that all
religion is man-made, the whole existentialist movement, meditation and mind
consciousness, etc, etc. There are 2 things I want to say at this point. First,
I am still unable to find the answers to all my questions. Second, I feel as if
my journey is still incomplete in that there are still things out there for me
to read, to understand, to learn, to apply.
I also think that there are largely 2 types of people out there. One
type is those who find something that gives them meaning, and that becomes a means
of justification for their actions and behaviour. Meaning, that everything they
do is given meaning or justification by that thing they believe in. The second
type is those who are what they are and are trying to make sense of what they
are.
For the longest time I was in the first group of people. Of all that I
have read, I found that I was most drawn to the teachings of the Buddha and
tried to practice Buddhism. For the longest time I ignored, or perhaps I integrated
(wrongly) the one glaring thing that was missing in Buddhism but that I
believed in – God. I believe in God. Despite everything I see and hear, mostly
to the contrary, I still believe in God. I cannot shake this belief no matter
what. And over time I have come to realise that I cannot fit my set of beliefs
into any given religion (I am using the word religion here to cover
philosophies, theories, practices, beliefs, etc). Because if I choose a
religion for myself, then I must accept all its teachings, even those that I do
not agree to.
And that is not me. I have my own beliefs. Right or wrong I do not know
but they are my own beliefs. And I guess I am trying to find the religion that
will fit my beliefs, that will answer all my questions satisfactorily, that
will make me content and happy with life, such as it is. I haven’t found it. Perhaps
I never will in this lifetime. But that doesn’t mean I stop trying. As long as
there are interesting things for me to know, to learn, to read out there, I
will do so and even if I don’t find all the answers, at least I would have
gained all this knowledge, which may be strong enough to be passed on to
whoever I am born as next.
And I do believe that. I believe that our souls or consciousness or
whatever it is that makes us awake or aware, is made up of energies which is a
part of the universe, and when we die, these energies live on and may give life
to another being. And I believe, just like how I am drawn to be a seeker of
religion in this lifetime, perhaps some of the energy within me right now was
also a seeker in my past life which is spurring me on to continue this quest
for answers. And so, even if I do not find all the answers in this lifetime,
maybe that part of the energy may pass on to a new being who will continue the
search, until one day, all will be answered; all will be known. And how does
God fit into all of this energy being re-born or recycled or reincarnated? Well,
I believe that reincarnation and God are not mutually exclusive concepts.
When I put it down in words, it sounds like some supernatural-science
fiction, but this is what I believe. How else can I explain this need to find
religion? Where did it come from? My parents and most of my friends are
followers of what was already taught to them. They never question anything. And
to be honest, I envy them. There is a lot of comfort in attending church every
Sunday or going to the mosque or temple every Friday or meditating every day or
confessing one’s sins every week. I envy those who genuinely find peace and
solace in these things. I wish I was more like them.
But I am not. Me, I question everything. I also absorb everything. And
then I decide what works for me and what doesn’t. Because I also believe that
being born as a human, I am blessed (or cursed) with a brain and I should use
it, for better or for worse. Which means, finding out as much as I can and
choosing what works for me. And if it turns out that I’ve thought everything
wrong, that I’ve done everything wrong, that I’ve chosen everything wrong, then
either I will have to answer to God, or my energy is dispersed into a lesser
being.
In the end, whether I am searching for myself or searching for God, I
think in this instance it is really the journey that counts, not the
destination.
