To Mary Jane

For almost half of my life you were in it. Through university, jobs, relationships, shifting houses, trials and tribulations; you were always there in the background. A steady presence full of courage, strength, patience and love. 

For 19 years you hardly gave me any problems. You were everything I could ever want. So when you started deteriorating over the past year, I should have been more understanding, more patient, more gentle, more kind.

Instead, as you got worse and worse I became more and more irritated. I looked at you as a burden. I had more work to do which took up a lot of my time, and I blamed you for it. 

When I saw you yesterday in the sun panting with thirst, I didn’t immediately come to your rescue. Instead, I went out to run errands because I thought you would be around as usual and I would deal with you when I got back. It didn’t occur to me that you may have been there for quite some time and therefore dehydrated, since you could not get to the water by yourself anymore. Or maybe it did occur to me but I didn’t care because I was tired of taking care of you all the time and I wanted to be free again, even if for a just a little while.

By the time I came back you were already half way gone. You waited for me to hold you in my arms one last time before you left. It must’ve been painful and agonising for you but you waited. Patiently. That was how big your heart was. Despite all the times I was impatient with you, pulled you a little too hard because you were too slow in walking, left you on your own, not taking you out fast enough when you fell into the drain, procrastinating to clean you because I was fed up with the mess, grumbling, complaining, wishing you would just go - through all of that, your concern was still me and that I should see you one last time before you left.

I know you didn’t do anything deliberately. You were just getting old. Despite that, you tried your best to ease my burden. I know you did because that’s what you do. And I am a fool, a selfish, stupid fool who didn’t understand you. Who didn’t appreciate the greatest blessing in my life.

So wherever you are my darling Mary Jane, I hope you can find it in your big heart to forgive me. I could’ve loved you better, just like how you loved me. I hope you enjoyed your time with me. I hope you are happy now, because you deserve nothing but love and happiness. The truth is, you were too good for me. I am a better person today because of you. 

I promise to remember you as the blessing you were.