Memories in my mind

I lost my camera on the way from Tacna, Peru to San Pedro de Atacama, Chile. All my glorious pictures of the lovely creatures of the Galapagos Island and the best part of Peru were gone forever. I was so upset I couldn't stop crying for 2 days. 

And then my mother, from across mountains and oceans, from a thousand miles away, told me a thing of eternal wisdom: the best memories are not in a camera, they're in my mind.

You told me the other day in not so many words that I can never be loved. And yet, I was loved once. I loved once. These are memories etched in my mind forever. And this is something neither you, nor the rest of the world, can take away from me. 

Amma was right. She almost always is. The best memories are in my mind, safe and sound. 

It's been said

There. It's been said. I couldn't believe my ears. But there is no doubt. It was said.

I never saw you so angry before. I had no idea you hated me this much. Not a clue. How did I miss this? Was I really so wrapped up in my own world that I was oblivious to what you were feeling about me? Where is this coming from? I honestly thought you were happy. I know I was.

The shock of what you said made me numb for a while. But when it wore off, your words were all I could remember. It's all I can still remember. It keeps playing in my mind like an ubiquitous song. A song of despise, derision, contempt, fury, hate. Oh my God, such hate! I never even knew I was capable of inspiring such anger, scorn and hatred in another human being. I am responsible for doing this to you. I still can't believe it.

And now your words are carved on my broken heart and I'm not sure if it can be removed. I know now what I must do. It's the only thing I can do.

Because it's been said. It cannot be unsaid. Still, I have nothing but love for you.

Alice

I'm reading Alice's Adventures in Wonderland and Through the Looking-Glass. There was, and still is, so many tv programs and films made about the books that I sort of knew all the characters without having to read the book. It's cheating.

I'm glad I'm doing it now. It's hilarious. 

"Life, what is it but a dream?"

It's back

It's been almost 2 years. I should be proud of myself.

But sometimes it just comes, and it grips me with its long bony thorny fingers and I have to peel off its fingers from my flesh one by one until I'm free from its grasp. But it's always not far away, lurking, watching, waiting for its chance to pounce. 

And when it came for me last Saturday, with its army of soldiers ready to rip me apart and annihilate me, it was sheer good fortune that I remembered my mother kissing me goodbye that very morning. My mother who rarely showed affection as I was growing up. My mother. Kissed my cheek. That same morning. She loves me. I am loved. I am worthy.

And so I defeated it. For now.

I wonder

Monday, 11 July 2016

It's 2.30 a.m. I had a restless night. Caused partly by excessive running, caused partly by you. And now I'm wide awake waiting for the Euro 2016 finals between Portugal and France to kick off. We took a bet on this game, you rather reluctantly. All in good fun with no clear purpose because we both know that the bet will never be realised. And we both know why. Well, at least I do.

I'm sitting in the dark thinking about you. That's all I ever do these days. And I wonder. Do you think about me? Do you wonder where I am? What I'm doing? What I'm thinking, what my plans are, what I hope for in my heart of hearts?

I wonder. Did I ever mean anything at all to you?

And so it begins.

It fits

Whenever I asked you who I was to you, you could never give me an answer I could accept. Your answers, though consistent, did not really sit well with me. Like forcing a wrong piece of a jigsaw puzzle into place. It just wouldn't fit.

I like things to fit.  I like edges. Boundaries. Black or white. Good or bad. Yes or no. Mild OCD. 

Since you didn't have a fitting answer for me, I found one for myself. It fits. I know now what to expect (nothing) and what not to expect (everything); what to ask (are you free today?) and what not to ask (do you love me?); what to hope for (nothing) and what not to hope for (something); what I must do (live my life) and what I must not do (wait for you).

None of this is easy of course. But at least it fits. 

Jakarta - Part 3

Saturday, 2 July 2016

Then to the Batavia café for lunch. This is probably the second oldest building on Fatahillah Square, built between 1805 and 1950. Over the years it served as a residence, warehouse, office and more recently, a café.

Then, as we still had some time, we walked around Fatahillah Square, and took a 3 wheeled cab with open doors (similar to the tuk-tuk in Thailand and Cambodia) and drove around Kota Lama. I saw the Bank Indonesia Museum which was originally a hospital. In 1828, it was used by the Dutch as a bank and in 1953, was used as the Central Bank of Indonesia. It is now a museum.

Another interesting building was the Fine Art and Ceramic Museum which was completed in 1870 and was used as the Court of Justice by the Dutch, Paleis van Justitie. Later this building was used as the Indonesian military dormitory and logistic warehouse; in 1967 as the West Jakarta Mayor Office; in 1974 as the office for the Jakarta Museum and History Department.

Behind the Puppet Museum is a huge canal built by the Dutch for transport and trade. It now looks like a very large discarded drain. There is still a draw bridge built by the Dutch that can be seen, it was to let larger vessels through all those years ago.

Across the canal is a building known as Toko Merah which means Red Shop. This building was constructed in 1730 by the then Dutch governor general as his house and office. He is buried on the grounds of the Puppet Museum. It was used by the Dutch as a maritime academy and a guest house. In 1851, the building was bought over by a rich Chinese trader and used as a store. He painted it red, which for the Chinese is an auspicious color. It has been this colour since the 18th century.

Then a cab back to the hotel to pick up our luggage, and a cab to the airport. We made a mistake of going into the boarding gate too early because there are no restaurants or bars here. I purposely kept some rupiahs to buy a beer but there are none available. So I wrote this blog instead since there was nothing to do.

Overall I find the people in Indonesia friendly and helpful, and they get all excited when I speak in Malay to them. I am really enjoying the local Bintang beer. It’s good. And cheap. Who can ask for more. Jakarta reminds me of home.

And then it was time to go home again. Till my next adventure!

Lembah Bujang - Day 2

Sunday, 26 June 2016

This morning we drove to Chuping where according to my friend, there used to be fields and fields of sugar cane. But it was all gone now, replaced with rubber and oil palm. Although the sugar factory was still there and as far as I could tell, still functioning. I wonder where they're getting their sugar from.

Then we went to Padang Besar - it's like a market place between the borders of Perlis and Thailand. It was supposed to be open at 9 am but it looked deserted. I think it's because of the Ramadhan month. Generally people become a lot slower throughout this month. We therefore had breakfast somewhere nearby and returned a little after 10 am.

There's a lot of cheap stuff here. I bought 2 football jerseys for Philip (Chelsea and Italy) and lots of tidbits. The nuts here are really cheap but also fresh. I bought cashews and almonds and other tidbits for home. As if there are not enough 'nuts' in my life.

As it was already nearing 12, it was decided that there was not enough time to visit Gua Kelam as we had a long journey back. Quite disappointing to have come all the way and miss the cave.  But then it is a reason for me to come back.

A long drive back. We stopped in Ipoh for dinner. I bought some cookies from a shop called Guan Heong - cookies with crispy crusts with pork filling and another with chicken floss and salted egg yolk filling. Delicious. 

Most of the time I read through the drive. Some exciting stuff that I discovered from the book I was reading on Lembah Bujang - that Indians are adventurous travellers from those days, from these ancient sayings:

In the ancient Hindu scripture the Puranas, written in Sanskrit:

"Charaiveti" - Go on and on... explore

"Kruvsnto Viswam Aryan" - civilize the people

"Wasudhaiva-Kutubakam" - the whole world is one family

And an ancient Tamil saying:

"Thiraikadal Odium Thiravium Thedu" - brave the waves and cross the seas to seek your fortune.

So my conclusion is that all this restlessness and the need to travel and see the world is really not my fault; it's in my blood!

Jakarta - Part 2

Saturday, 2 July 2016

Yesterday I had traditional Sumatran food for lunch – rice, cassava leaves and fried pork, with chilli on the side. We went to a crowded place called Senayan which were full of locals, so this was really authentic local food. I also tried their ‘Teh Botol’ which is the most popular beverage in Indonesia.

The jam wasn’t so bad yesterday because of the Friday prayers – most employees get long lunches. We drove on Jalan Jenderal Sudirman, Jakarta's main avenue and business district.

Today is sightseeing day! Most of Jakarta's landmarks, monuments and statues were built during the Sukarno era beginning in the 1960s, then completed in the Suharto era, while some originated in the colonial Dutch East Indies period.

First stop was Merdeka Square which is an almost 1 km square field originally created by the Dutch Governor-General Herman Willem Daendels (1810) and was originally named Koningsplein (King's Square). It was completed in 1818. On 10 January 1993, President Soeharto started the beautification of the square.

This is where Jakarta’s most famous landmark is - the National Monument (Monumen Nasional or Monas). This is an obelisk that is about 132 m tall, and is a symbol of the city. We walked around the Monas in the scorching sun but we were unable to find the entrance. Maybe we were blinded by the sun. And we saw a long line of people so we decided that it was not necessary to go into the Monas.

We then went to the deer park and fed a deer. I read that there are 33 trees here in this park around Monas that represent the 33 provinces of Indonesia. There is a Mahabharata themed Arjuna chariot statue and fountain across the road from where we exited the Monas grounds. Appa will be so proud again.

Then we took a cab to Kota Lama or Kota Tua or old town. There is a square here called the Fatahillah Square with a lot of artisan like people selling paintings, handicrafts and such like. In 1527, a prince named Fatahillah built Jayakarta on the land of Sunda Kelapa. This area was invaded by the Dutch in 1619 and in 1620, they built Fatahillah Square as the City Hall.

Here I saw the City Hall of Batavia (Stadhius van Batavia), the seat of the Governor General of the Dutch East India Company (VOC) in the late 18th century. The building now houses the Jakarta History Museum.

We then went to the Museum Wayang or Puppet Museum which, according to its owner, has the largest puppets in the world. This building used to be a church and some important Dutch people are buried on the grounds. The tombs or crypts can still be seen here, with ancient Dutch wordings. The owner of the museum runs puppet (3D puppets) and wayang kulit (flat puppet) shows throughout the world. He informed us that a typical show lasts 9 hours, but he has shortened it to 1 hour. The show is based on the Ramayana. He showed us how these puppets are made (from water buffalo skin) and we saw a short wayang kulit sketch (about 15 minutes). He said he is the 4th generation of puppeteers, and he is not sure if his children wishes to continue this tradition. It’s quite sad really.

Jakarta - Part 1

Thursday, 30 June 2016

Indonesia, with a population of close to 270,000,000 people, is the 3rd most populous country in the world after China and India, and is the most populous Muslim country in the world. Jakarta is the capital, a city of about 10,000,000 people.

I landed in the Soekarno-Hatta International Airport at nearly 10 p.m. thanks to a delay in the flight (with no apologies from the airline I note) to a rainy Jakarta town. When the plane was descending I began to see how big the city really is; I couldn’t see the borders or fringes - it looked like a massive city of lights and activity. From my hotel room on the 19th floor, with the rain misting up my windows, it again dawned on me what a huge city Jakarta really is.My hotel is in West Jakarta, in a place called Slipi which is near Grogol. The latter sounds to me like a character from Lord of the Rings. Just saying.

Jakarta was established in the 4th century as an important trading port for the Sundanese kingdom of Tarumanagara, one of the oldest Hindu kingdoms in Indonesia. Following the decline of this kingdom, it then became part of the Kingdom of Sunda. From the 7th to early 13th century, the port of Sunda was within the sphere of influence of the Srivijaya maritime empire, another ancient Hindu empire which was the same that helped build Lembah Bujang all those years ago. My father will be proud to hear all this of course. 

Later Jakarta became the de facto capital of the Dutch East Indies (known as Batavia at that time – renamed by the Dutch in 1619). Indonesia was ruled for 350 years by the Dutch, and then 3 and a half years by the Japanese. After World War II, the city of Batavia was renamed "Jakarta" (short form of Jayakarta) by the Indonesian nationalists after achieving independence from the Dutch in 1945. The name “Jakarta” is said to come from the word "Jayakarta", traced to Old Javanese and ultimately the Sanskrit language. "Jayakarta" translates as "victorious deed", "complete act", or "complete victory".

This made me wonder why we took so long to gain independence from the British after the Japanese left. And I also wondered why the Indonesians were driving on the left side of the road (like us and the British) when they were a Dutch colony. So many mysteries in life.

Anyway. Jakarta is one hour behind us. Although Bahasa Indonesia is largely similar to Bahasa Melayu, there are certain words that are completely different and dissimilar to Malay. I learnt a few today:

(i) pidana – criminal (noun)

(ii) perdata – civil (noun)

(iii) satwa / haiwan – animal 

(iiii) amplop – envelope (this sounds really cute to me)

(v) dorong – push

(vi) pria - gents

The jams in Jakarta are world famous. And true. It is horrible. I’ll not complain about the jams in Kuala Lumpur again. For about a week (because it is the Raya week and I’ll be in Kuantan). My no-complain vow will be broken the Monday after Raya.

For lunch I had traditional Indonesian food – chicken, mutton, satay, kangkung and soft shell crab. Similar to Malay cooking and yet different in many subtle ways – taste, texture, spice levels. The food is really hot and spicy -just the way I like it! I also had an interesting drink – young coconut and pineapple juice with cucumber slices. The best thing to drink on a hot sunny day in Jakarta.

Lembah Bujang - Day 1

Saturday, 25 June 2016

Last night we left Kuala Lumpur at about 8 pm and headed for Ipoh, where we planned to stay for the night just to break up the long trip to Kedah and Perlis, the 2 northern most states in Peninsula Malaysia. We arrived in Ipoh at about 10.30 pm, checked into the hostel which was a sort of a home stay with a terribly cosy room, had some drinks to unwind and then went to bed.

This morning we had breakfast at a quaint coffee shop in Ipoh called Lim Ko Pi; I had my traditional toast with butter and kaya and 2 half boiled eggs. The coffee! I'm in love. Move aside Aik Cheong coffee. 

Then about a 2 hour drive to Kedah, to a place called Merbok in Lembah Bujang (Bujang Valley). The Bujang Valley is a valley that stretches across about 280 km, and the highest peak is known as Mount Jerai. Along the Bujang Valley in Kedah (then known as Kadaram), at almost 2,000 years old and built as far back as in the 5th century, are ancient Hindu and Buddhist temples at various sites.  

These temples are said to be older than the Sri Vijaya empire (centred at Palembang), the Majapahit empire (centred in Java), the Sailendra empire (which built Borobudur), and even older than Angkor Wat (Kemboja / Khmer empire) which was built only in the 12th century. 

We went to the Lembah Bujang Museum and saw various artefacts from the temples. Most of the inscriptions were in Sanskrit with Pallava (Tamil) script. The word "bujang" is said to be derived from the ancient Sanskrit word Bujanga meaning a serpent or a dragon. The serpent is held to be the symbol of wisdom. This was a place of wise men. After linguistic evolution Bujanga became Bujang. 

There are a total of 87 archaeological sites along the Bujang Valley. Out of these, 4 have been moved to the museum site: Candi (old Sanskrit word for temple) Pendiat (said to be linguistically evolved from the word "Pandiyan" - an old Indian empire), Candi Bukit Batu Pahat (said to be one of the biggest and most important temples in the Bujang Valley), Candi Bendang Dalam and Candi Pengkalan Bujang. 

Most of the temples are concentrated along the Bujang River, a tributary of Sungai Merbok, although I only saw what I suspect is Sungai Merbok Kecil, also a tributary of Sungai Merbok.

The temples are loosely divided into 2 main parts - the Vimana and Mandapa, which is pretty much the outlay of all modern Hindu temples. It was exciting to see old, ancient, eroded structures of Ganesha, Durga, Lingam, Nandhi. Feels like I'm a part of living history.

At the temple at the Kampung Sungai Mas Site (which we didn't go to), there was found a stone inscription with a Buddhist mantra which as translated reads:

"From ignorance acts accumulate; of birth acts are the cause; from knowledge no acts accumulate; through absence of acts they are not reborn." What beautiful wordings written way back when to describe the essence of Buddhism.

One more other thing of note is that the 9th Hindu Raja of Kedah converted from Hinduism to Islam and changed his name to Sultan Muzaffar Shah 1 - the first Muslim ruler of Kedah, from 1136 to 1179. This means that the Kedah sultanate is the oldest in Malaysia; Melaka Sultanate emerged later in 15th century. 

And then off again! To Perlis. The northern most state in Peninsula Malaysia, bordering Thailand and beside the Straits of Malacca. Reached Kuala Perlis at about 5 pm, and went form dinner at a seafood restaurant called Hay Thien, and after dinner we watched the sun set over the Straits of Malacca. That was beautiful. 

Right below where I was standing, at the shore of the straits, I saw a strange looking fish like creature using its fins to 'walk' on the mud. I sent a picture of this creature, which I suspected to be a mud skipper, to my brother who confirmed that it was a baby mud skipper. I saw evolution in motion! All those years ago the first fishes would've used their fins in the same way to walk on land. And here we are. 

Then we took a drive into Kangar town, bought some groceries, drank beer and went to bed. This is the life!