Give me your best shot

The way I look at it, there is only one of two things I can do - fight or flight. And I plan to flee all right, but that requires meticulous planning and a considerable sum of money, so while that takes place, I guess in the meantime I have no choice but to fight. 

And so I say to the world - bring it on! 

One chance left

One of my oldest friend, after reading my blog, told me that I dwell too much on the past. This is probably true. It explains my fondness for history in general. I like looking back at things, reminiscing, wondering what if?

I believe in learning from your mistakes and the mistakes of others. And in order to learn from mistakes one has to every so often look into the past. Today I thought of the past and wondered what it would have been like if I defied my parents in particular and society in general and joined a rock band? Where would I be now?

I look at the bands that I have been following since I was a kid and see them still doing the thing they enjoy doing, with the same passion and zeal as they had 20 years ago, and I think maybe I should have fought just a little harder, maybe I should have been a little more courageous, maybe I should have just run away and lived my own life. "If I fail, if I succeed, at least I did as I believe".

But it's too late now. It is what it is. I have one more thing left spilling over from my childhood, one more ambition that is still not too late for me to achieve. And this time, I will be strong and brave enough to achieve this ambition before I die. This time, nothing and no one shall stand in my way.

Angst

I have already concluded that it takes me 3 days to get over an unwarranted remark. The problem is, too many people have said too many things over the past 2 weeks to piss me off, with the result that there is an overlap of remarks in my mind, with the consequence that I am perpetually angry or pissed off.

And it affects me to the extent that I have had nightmares (although I can't remember what they are about) and I sleep so restlessly and intermittently that I wake up feeling exhausted.

I don't know how the mass majority of people do it. I can't. I can't just let people get away with making nasty remarks. I can't just let it go. I used to think that I was not good enough for the world. But now I know it's the other way around, as it always had been. The world is not good enough for me. I am too good for this world. Because I bloody care too much. 

Doubts

There were days when I woke up next to Philip and when I saw him sleeping peacefully like a baby without a care in the world, I used to think that everything was going to be alright, I can get through life no matter how difficult it got, because I had him beside me.

And now? And now, I see myself in the mirror and tell myself that everything is going to be alright, I will survive like I always have. Sometimes I believe it. Sometimes, like today, I don't. 

When is a friend not a friend?

Slash is coming to Kuala Lumpur again! And I can't find anyone to go with me. Not one soul.

There are those who have things planned (it is on Valentine's Day of all days), there are those who have no idea who Slash is, and then there are those who I didn't even bother asking because some people are just not suited for rock concerts, no offence intended.

But then, there are those who are free, and who know how important Slash is to me, but who just won't come with me. Now, if the roles were reversed, and one of my friends was a die hard One Direction or Taylor Swift fan, and they are not able to find anyone to go with them, I would go with them, no matter how much I hated the music. 

I think it's only fair that as friends, you make certain sacrifices for the sake of your friends. But when it's my turn, the favour is never returned. So. Why do I need friends again? The thing that a lot of people don't realize (sometimes I am also guilty of losing track) is that I can survive on my own. 

I don't see the point in having friends when they won't come to my aid when I need help. All I can say is, they won't see any help from me either. In fact, they won't see me at all. I am very good at cutting people out of my life and never looking back. I am ruthless that way.

Best Friend No. 2 always tells me not to expect people to be like me. And why shouldn't people be more like me?? The world would certainly be a better place, rock n' roll and all. 

The best Valentine's Day gift I can give myself is watching Slash in action. With the pleasure of the company that is my own. Because nobody can be a better friend to me than myself.

Complaints, complaints, complaints!

Over the last month, some people have told me that I complain a lot. This is true. And this last week I made a conscious decision not to complain, and just go with the flow. But it's just impossible. 

There are too many people who do or say too many wrong things. And it affects me. And it takes me 3 days to get over that. So I complain. 

I've already told those people who said I complain too much, to in the first place tell those who are making unnecessary comments and irritating my life to stop doing that, because they are the ones who are the cause of my complaints. If everyone just minds their own business and does their own work, surely there will be nothing for me to complain about.

And they told me that they can't stop people from saying or doing what they want to say or do, so it's better if I just accepted that and deal with the situation.

What hypocrites. I am to stop complaining but other people can go on saying and doing what they like. Where is the logic or justice in that? 

And why is it that when I complain, I am being childish but when others complain, they get sympathy and encouragement? This is the double standard, unjust world that I live in. 

And yes, this is a complaint. This blog is all I have left as a forum to air my complaints.