Think again!

Who am I kidding? Underneath it all I’m still depressed. About the past, about the present, about the future. I still feel like a failure. Sure, I’ve managed to repress all of that by working and exercising like crazy. I try and fill my days with as many things as possible so that when I come home I’m so tired all I want to do is sleep. And tomorrow is another day. And so the days pass. As if everything is ok. But it’s not ok. Nothing is ok. Sure, the tears have stopped. But that is because believe it or not, I’ve no time to cry. My life is one big rush now from one thing to another. No more tears. But who am I really kidding? Having no time to feel sad or cry doesn’t mean I’m happy. Deep down I’m still sad. The heart ache lingers on. Like a never ending story. Oh well. This story will definitely have an ending.

And it just goes on...

I don’t know why so many people are obsessed with negativity. They seem to really thrive on it. They’ll point out everything negative about you to you, and never mention anything positive about you, as if there is nothing positive about you at all! Is it just me or has the world become a meaner place to live in??

Give me a break!

Due to excessive binging in December, I have put on quite a bit of weight. I am taking serious steps to rectify the situation, but it is proving to be a long and arduous process, especially at my age and with my Indian genes. I love food. Always have. But desperate times call for drastic measures. I have to cut down on food, especially fatty food which somehow always tastes better than healthy food. And increase my exercise. That’s exactly what I’ve been doing, but it’s still proving to be a long and arduous process.

 The thing that I notice about most people are that they are so eager to point out to me that I have put on weight, but when I lose weight, they almost never mention it. Why? I’d like to know. They feel a need to let me know that I’m fat, but not that I’m slim. Why why why? It’s almost as if they take delight or comfort in the fact that I’ve put on weight, but are not happy (or perhaps jealous?) that I’ve lost weight. Or perhaps they just wish to warn me that I’m getting fat in the hopes that I would do something about it. Yeah right. Like they really care.

 And it doesn’t just stop at weight. It can be anything; if it’s something bad or negative they will not hesitate to tell it to my face but if it’s something good or positive I get nothing but silence. Didn’t their mothers ever tell them that if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all??

I am fat

I used to be a chubby kid. Then I lost weight in university (no more of Mom’s cooking and the stress of living away from home). And now I’m steadily gaining weight again. It all started in December when there was one party after another with almost unlimited amounts of drinks and food. And now it’s so difficult to lose the weight I’ve gained. I’ve tried dieting, I’ve increased my trips to the gym, but still it doesn’t work! Some days I’m determined to go all out, some days I just give up. Nothing seems to work. Some people say stress can cause weight loss. Not for me. Work is pretty stressful at the moment but that has done nothing to decrease the weight. It’s driving me nuts. I hate to fail. And this feels like failure. One would’ve thought with 16 years to go why bother? Because I only have 16 more years to go, and I want to look good. Go out in style so to speak. But that is becoming more and more difficult by the day! Yet another reason to be depressed.