Temporary happiness

It’s been raining everyday, especially in the evenings. Not very cheerful weather. The monsoon season is here, and this year almost with a vengeance – floods, storms, thunder, lightning, the works. Makes it difficult to run in the park after work.

Today I managed to avoid the bloody rain, and run in the park after work. Running makes me happy. Temporarily, that is. That’s the thing that I realize, there are many things that make me happy, but only temporarily. Running makes me happy. My girls make me happy. The occasional (sinful?) indulgences make me happy. Coffee makes me happy. Flowers make me happy. The sun makes me happy. The moon, the wind, the trees, the birds singing, music – all make me happy. And on and on. But only for so long.

What I’m looking for is permanent happiness. It eludes me, has eluded me all my life. Wishful thinking? There is no such thing?

As the saying goes, there are only 2 certainties in life. I’m certainly not happy paying taxes. A kiss for those of you who guessed the synonym for permanent happiness in my world.

She should find happiness

Nothing makes her happy anymore. She is empty inside. She is living without being alive. She has given up. If only she could cut her heart open so people can see how sad sad sad she really is. She is heartbroken. She is stuck. She cannot end it. Nor can she move forward.

Nobody understands that. They think she is a drama queen. She is seeking attention. It’s a shame that she feels this way. She should find happiness.

She should find happiness. She has decided that on her 50^th birthday, she will end her sadness once and for all. She figures that by that time everything that she has ever loved will be no more. She will be alone and unable to hurt anyone. She will be free to be free.

She can get through another 17 years. She has done it before.  And then she will be forever free. She has found her happiness. The thought that she has only 17 more years to live is her happiness.

Here I go again

I don’t know how I can be happy one minute and sad the next. Maybe they were right. Maybe it’s more than just a phase. Maybe it’s a chemical imbalance in my brain and I really do need help.

The problem with that is, nobody can help me if I don’t help myself. But I don’t know how to help myself. Because I don’t even know what is wrong. Why I feel this way. What is going through my mind right now is, if I had the chance to go back in time and make one change in my life, I would change the fact that I was ever born. Nothing good came out of me being born.

Maybe I should stop trying to make sense of life and just live it. The problem with that is, I am living life but I am not happy. Nothing makes me happy anymore. People can tell me that that is a shame, the world is your oyster etc but this is how I feel right now. Nothing makes me happy anymore. I am here, I am alive, I am doing the bare minimum to stay that way. What kind of a life is that?

Dare I?

You are standing at the edge. Your heart still beats restlessly. It will never be still again. Your head is pounding almost to the brink of insanity. You wonder whether this is the right choice. You cannot think properly. Your head aches. It will never stop. Your body is corrupted. There is nothing left. You gently weep but there are no tears left. You step closer to the edge. One more step is all it will take. It’s not too late. You can turn back. You can change this. You are better than this. Stronger than this. You can defeat this. You have always fought back. So fight back now.

I take a step.