Saturday, December 23, 2023

"Fare thee well! and if for ever, Still for ever, fare thee well"

By the end of this blog, you will mean nothing to me. I want to say what I want to say to get things off my chest, and once I’ve put it all out there I will think of it no more. I will think of you no more.

Everything was going according to plan until your ego awakened and reared its ugly head. Words were said. Ugly words that crossed a line. Ugly words that cannot be retracted. Bitter, ugly words that come from a dark, cold, desolate place and unleashed into the world. Unleashed upon me.

I do not know what I could’ve possibly done to you to have deserved those words. I’m not keeping count but I know that I have helped you over the years more than you have ever helped me. I know this because this is the kind of person I am, I do not like to owe anyone anything; let it always be others that owe me.

I feel sorry for you. How small your world must be, to take out your anger on someone who genuinely cared about you. How insignificant your life must be, to make yourself look mighty by putting me down. How silly you are for not knowing the fool you have made of yourself. How foolish you are for carrying anger and disdain around in your heart, possibly for years. How ignorant you are for taking it out on the person who would have stood by you despite our differences.

Once upon a time I would’ve tried to see things from your point of view. No more. You crossed the line this time. If I cannot be myself around you, I will choose not to be around you. Because in the end, I can only ever be myself and I am not sorry if this is not good enough for you.

Thank you for almost ruining Christmas for me this year. But guess what. Since you are no longer a part of my life, I need not think about you anymore. As far as I am concerned, you do not exist anymore. Which means I can carry on with my Christmas celebrations in merriment and joy, and indeed, carry on with my glorious life.

I wish you well. Have a good life without me. Once upon a time there was you. No more.

Monday, June 12, 2023

I see RED

I haven’t been this angry for a long time. I am literally seeing red because I think blood is rushing to my head and clouding my vision. I’m so angry I can imagine the various ways I can inflict pain on you. I can see you being cut up into tiny pieces of meat and being fed to vultures. I can see you swimming in the fiery depths of Hell; the burning smell of your flesh to me is the smell of freshly cut grass on a bright sunny day. I can see you being torn apart, one limb at a time till all that’s left is your nasty, cunning, manipulating brain that is now just mush. I can see you writhing, twisting, turning among a thousand thorns that tear open your flesh and stab at your black heart.  I’m so angry I can imagine my imagination becoming a reality.

Why don’t you grow a pair and tell me to my face that you want me gone. Instead of pussyfooting around and putting obstacles in my way. So that what? I would get tired and leave? So that you can turn it around and say it was me who decided to leave and that your bloody hands are clean? That’s right, I forgot. You haven’t got any and it’s too late to grow any now. All you have is that forked tongue that can twist a rose into a thorn, black into white, the lie into truth. I wish there was a way for me to reach Hell, so that I can alert the demons down there that their boss the Devil has escaped and is disguising himself as you. So that they can drag you down to where you belong.

Yeah I know all those things about anger. That it destroys; before embarking on a journey of revenge, dig two graves; it’s like me drinking poison and expecting you to die; blah blah blah. I’ll leave that till tomorrow. Today I am angry. I am angry and I need to vent and break something. I need to break something before I break. 😠😡

Sunday, April 30, 2023

I am Indian

 The reason I have been so silent is not because I have nothing to say. It is because I have no time to say it.

 

But then again, this is not entirely true because I am one of those who believe in making time for something you really want to do. But realistically, even when your mind is still up for it, sometimes your body just tells you to relax and watch some frivolous tv program to unwind and relax.

 

In 2021 I took on a new job which was a double jump for me: from private sector to government (where you need to fill up about 50 forms if you want to turn left, another 50 forms if you want to turn right, and yet another 50 forms if you want to go straight ahead; which is something I am not used to at all), and to something totally different from what I was doing before, which means that I needed to learn everything from scratch. In other words, in this new job, I was a totally new-born baby but already they were expecting me to fly. Forget fly. Traverse the galaxies. And even that is apparently not enough. Why only galaxies? You need to traverse the universe. 🙄

 

But I digress. That is a story for another time. Today I want to vent about my ancestors who helped build Malaysia to what it is today, but are under-appreciated and ignored to a large extent. I had the privilege of reading this book which I happened upon by chance in an Indian restaurant, entitled ‘The Malaysian Indian: Forgotten History of the Colonial Era’ by Janakey Raman Manickam. This book traced the history of Indians (from India and Sri Lanka – I am both) who came to Malaysia by their own free will before British colonization, and then through mass migration under the British rule.

 

Under the British rule, they arrived as indentured labourers, and were deployed into various sectors most prominently in agriculture (rubber and tea), were made to clear jungles, and were subsequently involved in the building of roads, railways, utility services (electricity and water), armed forces, police, drainage and sewerage, telecommunications, harbours, postal service, quarries and omnibus companies. Ceylonese Tamils who could speak English became government officers and clerks. From the 19th and early 20th century right up until independence, Indians dominated the major exports of Malaysia (rubber, oil palm, coconut and tea) and they were heavily involved in the public works sector not only as builders of roads, railways, harbours etc but also as drivers, conductors, soldiers, etc. If there is anyone out there who thinks any of this is easy, I challenge you to work 8 to 12 hours a day under the hot Malaysian sun to lay tar on roads; to build railways; to clear Malaysian jungles to reach highlands.

 

This is unfortunately what some people had to say about Indians:

 

H.F.N. Witherby, a British planter in Malaysia categorized the ethnic Tamils as:

              ‘a poor specimen, both in physique and morally, and of being abject, cowardly, and generally lacking in vitality… the Tamils, one and all had a half starved look about them, and seemed to be thoroughly dissatisfied with their lot in life… the blind admiration for the white man by these Tamils is really rather pathetic.’

 

In 1887, Sir Frederick Weld warned of over dependence on Chinese labour as problematic. He suggested migration from India, because the ‘Indians are a peaceable and easily governed race.’ This was supported by the Colonial Administrator Sir Thomas Hyslop: ‘We want Indians as indentured labourers not as free men.’

 

According to Kernial Singh Sandhu:

        ‘The South Indian labourer was preferred because he was malleable, worked well under supervision, and was easily manageable. He was not as ambitious as most of his Northern Indian compatriots and nothing like the Chinese… he was the most amenable to the comparatively lowly paid and rather regimented life of estates and government departments. He had fewer qualms or religious susceptibilities, such as aversion to crossing to kalapani (literally, lack water; figuratively, crossing the seas to foreign lands which causes the loss of one's social respectability, as well as the putrefaction of one's cultural character and posterity) and food taboos… and cost less in feeding and maintenance.’

 

This book was a real eye-opener for me. I now understand why some Indians feel displaced, under-appreciated, forgotten. Seen objectively, Malaysia will not be where it is today without the help of Indian labourers. We quietly and unassumingly formed the backbone of this nation. And what did we get in return? Citizenship. Is this enough?

 

I think any right-minded person will tell you this is insufficient for the amount of effort put in to build a nation to what it is today. But that is not the saddest part of this story. The saddest part is this. It still continues to this very day. When in need of sheer hard work and for someone who can get the job done, look for an Indian. When in need of someone to give recognition or a promotion to, look for someone else other than an Indian. Because in the end, the Indian will not complain. Because Indians are malleable, compliant, peaceable.  

 

Unfortunately, the blood of my ancestors runs in my veins so I cannot deny my heritage. For the most part, this is true. When faced with conflict, in a situation of fight or flight, we tend to choose flight because fight is the last resort. Contrary to whatever said about Indians, I do not think this is a weakness. In fact, I think it is the opposite – flee in order to survive which in the bigger scheme of things (re: Richard Dawkins, The Selfish Gene), is a strength.

 

But at the same time, I am no longer blind to the injustice that is happening in my own country. I am one person; I am not an army, so the best I can do is fight for myself. As an Indian. As a Malaysian. As a human being. No more running. A very dear colleague of mine who I look up to in every which way told me to be careful because ‘they always need Indian Gurkhas to do the work while the credit goes elsewhere’.

 

No more. Time to fight. Whatever the consequence. Because as much as I am ‘malleable and pliant’, I am also the descendant of the empires that once ruled South East Asia and were responsible for the temples in Kedah, Indonesia and Cambodia. Give me your best shot. I am now ready.