Why shouldn't I complain?

I’m beginning to realize that it’s really not a good idea having a geriatric dog and a hyperactive pup at the same time. I am struggling. Some people have told me that since it was my decision to adopt Mary Jane and Jessie, now I have to accept the situation come what may, and not complain.

Why shouldn’t I complain, is what I want to know. Sure, I adopted them. Everything else I did not do nor ask for. I didn’t ask for a deaf dog. I didn’t ask for Betty and Isaac to be born. I didn’t ask for Betty and Isaac to die. I didn’t ask for Mary Jane to have bladder problems. I didn’t ask for an ADHD pup. Perhaps with the exception of Betty and Isaac being born, everything else that happened were beyond my control.

It’s like telling me if I decide to buy a car, then I shouldn’t complain about jams or reckless drivers or accidents. Just because I make a decision about something, doesn’t mean I lose my right to complain. It may turn out to be the right decision, or the wrong decision. That’s not the point. The point is that I sometimes just need to vent. I’m not asking for help. I’m venting. That’s all.

Would I do anything differently if I could go back in time? Probably not. What little time I had or still have with my furry friends I really cherish and I would do it all over again even if I knew I would lose them some day. Would I continue to complain? You bet!

You see, in the end I am a human being, not a dog. I need an outlet to air my frustrations and grievances. Most importantly, unlike Mary Jane and Jessie, I have no one looking after me, feeding me, cleaning up after me, loving me. I’m handling everything on my own. So cut me some slack and let me complain once in a while!

You know what the real irony is here? I’m complaining about having the right to complain!

My dogs

More than 18 years ago, I decided to adopt a puppy. She was 2 months’ old. She had brown-fiery red fur with bits of white here and there; her face is half brown-fiery red and half white. It’s a different colour brown from most of the mongrels in Malaysia; she looked like a baby fox. I named her Mary Jane.

It was the first time I owned a pet all by myself. 2 days later I discovered she was deaf. A deaf dog! I had no idea how to take care of a deaf dog but I did the best I could.

8 years later by reason of an unfortunate incident, Mary Jane became pregnant. She delivered 6 puppies, the first of which was still-born. I named the remaining 5 Abraham, Isaac, Mary-Anne, Mary-Beth (Betty) and Baby. From the start my favourite pup was Betty. Almost all brown with bits of white just like Mary Jane, but a darker shade of brown. But Isaac was particularly fond of, and very attached to me. So I decided to keep Betty and Isaac and gave away the other 3.

3 months later Betty and Isaac fell seriously ill with Canine Parvo Virus (CPV) and had to be hospitalised. Isaac didn’t make it; Betty miraculously survived. My favourite pup survived! And then, almost 10 years later she died of kidney failure. To cheat death once only to face it all over again years later! Mary Jane still lives.

A year later I decided to adopt another puppy, a stray found in a drain in Ipoh. She was also 2 months’ old. She had predominantly white fur (which became spotted over the weeks) with a black face that looks as if she’s wearing a mask, and a map of the USA (in black) on her back. I named her Jessie.

The first 2 to 3 days of her arrival, she was as quiet as a mouse and slept a lot. I was beginning to think she was mute, which would be just great for my collection of impaired dogs; I already had one that was deaf, and now one that is mute! But as it turned out, she was probably just getting used to the place and when she was comfortable with her new environment, she turned into a hyperactive ADHD pup who doesn’t seem to be scared of anything and leaves a trail of chaos and havoc behind her. Everyday I come home to some kind of mess.

About the same time that I got Jessie, the 18-year-old Mary Jane developed a bladder problem; she would unknowingly pee when she is asleep. This means washing her every other day, and washing the place where she sleeps every week. It’s tedious, tiring work. And of course, there is the ADHD pup that I also have to clean up after.

It’s not the ideal situation. But it’s my situation right now.

Tragedy on the 8th day

On the 8^th day of 2019, I received tragic news that one of my good friend’s mum passed away. I am deeply, deeply sorry for her loss. That lingering sense of heavy grief which can only follow death, still follows me around until today, although the loss is not even mine to bear.

As my friend’s mum’s funeral would be in Kuantan, and as it is still very early in the year, I was contemplating an attempt to apply for leave and attend the funeral, without disrupting work and life obligations. Then on the morning of the 9^th day of 2019, I received a text from my friend thanking me, because my parents had just visited her.

My parents! Of course, my friend and I grew up together in Kuantan; from primary school right up until now we have somehow still remained friends (bless her heart). So of course my parents knew of her. But I didn’t give my parents my friend’s address, just the general area where her house is. And I certainly didn’t trouble them to go visit my friend.

But they did and in that moment when I discovered what they did, I loved them with all my heart (I always did, and still do love them, but even more so at that moment). I’m so glad and thankful to have such lovely people as my parents, and I sincerely hope that some of their goodness has rubbed off on me. If nothing else, on 9 January 2019 I was (and still am) so very proud, grateful and thankful for my parents being my parents.

Having said that, 2019 continues to be a disastrous year!

#2019isadisaster

I am absurd

I love how when I’m reading something, sometimes there is a reference to other literature in that literature, and then I go check out that new literature which in turn refers to other literature, and so on and so forth so that there is really no end to literature, reading and knowledge.

And that is how I came to be introduced to this philosophical concept named absurdism. It’s something that I have pondered upon countless times, but I never knew there was a term for it, and that there were others out there who felt the same way and cared about it enough to come up with entire ideologies and philosophical views about it.

If I understand it correctly, absurdism is the conflict between trying to find meaning in one’s life whilst knowing that we are living in a meaningless universe.

It’s really fascinating because just like atheists, agnotics, monotheism, polytheism or just plain theism, absurdism also comes with siblings called existentialism and nihilism. Absurdism is that while you believe the universe is meaningless, you believe that there is nevertheless still the possibility to find meaning in your life. Existentialism is that although the universe is meaningless, there is meaning in life, even if that meaning is trying to find a meaning in your life. Nihilism is that the universe is meaningless and therefore everything you do is just as meaningless; there is no meaning in life; you live and then you die fullstop.

Since I’ve already pondered about this for some time now without knowing the exact terminology, I can say for certain that I am an absurdist. Or that I am absurd. This explains (almost) everything!

Five days and already a disaster

Written on 5th January 2019; 10.00 p.m.

It’s only the 5^th day of the year. And already I’m ready to give up.

First, it was the drain pipe in my bathroom that was clogging. The water was going out, but very slowly.

Then, my worst nightmare came true. My mother is my alarm clock (that’s not the nightmare). Every working day she calls me at 6 a.m. sharp to wake me. One morning in late December my handphone beside me rang and I picked it up. On the screen was a real live cockroach. Cockroaches are to me what kryptonite is to Superman. I threw the phone away and ran helter skelter for my life. The phone kept ringing (God bless my mother, she is persistent if nothing else). I came back armed (Shieldtox) and looked for my arch enemy. It wasn’t there! Ah, but I spotted it! And I attacked! And it ran! I sprayed everywhere. I don’t know where it was. I found it dead later in the evening and got rid of it with a broom with the longest handle that I could find.

The next 2 days I couldn’t sleep peacefully; I kept waking to check that I wasn’t in any danger. Then I went back to Kuantan and there was peace. But then I had to come back. I found 2 dead cockroaches in the bathroom. The clogging situation with the drain pipe was getting more dire. I needed help. I called for reinforcement but they could only come 4 days later. 2 days passed without incident. On the 3^rd day, the enemy attacked! I found 2 cockroaches in the bathroom and emptied a can of Shieldtox in my defence. That night when I slept I had a weird dream about how the clogged drain pipe was somehow connected to the sudden appearance of so many cockroaches.

Whatever it was, I wasn’t taking any chances. Before I left for work I fumigated the entire room and bathroom, as soon as I got back from work I fumigated it again. Desperate times call for desperate measures. Finally my reinforcement arrived and unclogged the drain pipe which took a long time, a lot of effort, and left a mess behind. But at least no more clogging and hopefully, no more cockroaches.

Today I decided to spring clean due to the mess. Moving my bed to sweep and mop under it, it gave way and finally died. Actually my bed was ill for more than a year. I tried medication (hammer and nails), alternative medication (industrial tape, cellophane tape, any kind of binding material) and physiotherapy (minimal movement while sleeping) but all of this only served to prolong its life. Finally it gave up and died. So tomorrow I have to go look for and buy a new bed frame. Which means tonight I have to sleep on the floor. Not a problem except for this lingering paranoia about cockroaches.

Only the 5^th day of the year and already so many things gone wrong. What a disastrous start!

Books read in 2018

1.                       The Sociology Book – DK London, Penguin Random House (publishers)

2.                       The Woman in the Window – A. J. Finn

3.                       The Snowman – Jo Nesbo

4.                       In the company of Sherlock Holmes – Laurie R. King & Leslie S. Klinger (Editors)

5.                       The Hanging Girl – Jussi Adler-Olsen

6.                       Three Wishes – Liane Moriarty

7.                       The Private Patient – P.D. James

8.                       Down the Darkest Road – Tami Hoag

9.                       Animal Farm – George Orwell (re-read)

10.                   Sole Survivor – Dean Koontz

11.                   The Amazing Hat Mystery – P.G. Wodehouse

12.                   The Hound of the Baskervilles – Arthur Conan Doyle

13.                   Suicide – Emille Durkheim

14.                   The Essential Rumi – Translated by Coleman Barks

15.                   The Taming of the Shrew – William Shakespeare

16.                   Endymion, or the man in the moon – John Lily

17.                   Phaedo – Plato

18.                   The Husband’s Secret – Liane Moriarty

19.                   Kriminal (Catatan Seorang Wartawan Jenayah) – Syahril A. Kadir

20.                   The Lighthouse – P. D. James

21.                   The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes – Arthur Conan Doyle

-                       A Scandal in Bohemia

-                       The Red-Headed League

-                       The Case of Identity

-                       The Boscombe Valley Mystery

-                       The Five Orange Pips

-                       The Man with the Twisted Lip

-                       The Adventure of the Blue Carbuncle

-                       The Adventure of the Speckled Band

-                       The Adventure of the Engineer’s Thumb

-                       The Adventure of the Noble Bachelor

-                       The Adventure of the Beryl Coronet

-                       The Adventure of the Copper Beeches

22.                   Aesop’s Fables

23.                   Cather in the Rye – J.D. Salinger (re-read)

24.                   The Winter’s Tale – William Shakespeare

25.                   A Study in Scarlet – Arthur Conan Doyle

26.                   The Jew of Malta – Christopher Marlowe

27.                   The Girl Before – JP Delaney

28.                   The Memoirs of Sherlock Holmes – Arthur Conan Doyle

-                       The Adventure of Silver Blaze

-                       The Adventure of the Cardboard Box

-                       The Adventure of the Yellow Face

-                       The Adventure of the Stockbroker’s Clerk

-                       The Adventure of the ‘Gloria Scott’ – Arthur Conan Doyle

-                       The Adventure of the Musgrave Ritual – Arthur Conan Doyle

-                       The Adventure of the Reigate Squire – Arthur Conan Doyle

-                       The Adventure of the Crooked Man – Arthur Conan Doyle

-                       The Adventure of the Resident Patient – Arthur Conan Doyle

-                       The Adventure of the Greek Interpreter – Arthur Conan Doyle

-                       The Adventure of the Naval Treaty – Arthur Conan Doyle

-                       The Adventure of the Final Problem – Arthur Conan Doyle

29.                   Jack the Ripper Case Closed – Gyles Brandreth

30.                   Everything is Lies – Helen Callaghan

31.                   Look For Me – Lisa Gardner

32.                   The Return of Sherlock Holmes – Arthur Conan Doyle

-                       The Adventure of the Empty House

-                       The Adventure of the Norwood Builder

-                       The Adventure of the Dancing Men

-                       The Adventure of the Solitary Cyclist

-                       The Adventure of the Priory School

-                       The Adventure of Black Peter

-                       The Adventure of Charles Augustus Milverton

-                       The Adventure of the Six Napoleons

-                       The Adventure of the Three Students

-                       The Adventure of the Golden Pince-Nez

-                       The Adventure of the Missing Three-Quarter

-                       The Adventure of the Abbey Grange

-                       The Adventure of the Second Stain

33.                   He Said She Said – Erin Kelly

34.                   My Sister’s Bones – Nuala Ellwood

35.                   His Last Bow – Arthur Conan Doyle

-                       Wistaria Lodge

-                       The Adventure of the Bruce-Partington Plans

-                       The Adventure of the Devil’s Foot

-                       The Adventure of the Red Circle

-                       The Disappearance of Lady Frances Carfax

-                       The Adventure of the Dying Detective

-                       His Last Bow : The War Service of Sherlock Holmes

36.                   The Scarred Woman – Jussi Adler Olsen

37.                   The Case-Book of Sherlock Homes – Arthur Conan Doyle

-                       The Adventure of the Mazarin Stone

-                       The Problem of Thor Bridge

-                       The Adventure of the Creeping Man

-                       The Adventure of the Sussex Vampire

-                       The Adventure of the Three Garridebs

-                       The Adventure of the Illustrious Client

-                       The Adventure of the Three Gables

-                       The Adventure of the Blanched Soldier

-                       The Adventure of the Lion’s Mane

-                       The Adventure of the Retired Colourman

-                       The Adventure of the Veiled Lodger

-                       The adventure of Shoscombe Old Place

38.                   The Valley of Fear – Arthur Conan Doyle

39.                   The Sign of the Four – Arthur Conan Doyle

40.                   The Comedy of Errors – William Shakespeare

41.                   The Stranger – Albert Camus

42.                   My Husband’s Wife – Jane Corry

43.                   The Word is Murder – Anthony Horowitz

44.                   God – A Human History – Reza Aslan

45.                   Zealot – The Life and Times of Jesus of Nazareth – Reza Aslan (re-read)

46.                   Anne Frank – The Diary of a Young Girl (re-read)

47.                   It Ends With You – S.K. Wright

48.                   Born a Crime – Trevor Noah

49.                   Lord Edgware Dies – Agatha Christie (re-read)